Posted by sunny10 on March 10, 2005, at 12:02:00
wondering what happens when a victim moves closer to becoming an abuser themselves...am I now the guilty party? I understand how the depression for me was anger turned inward- but now that it's turned outward, I'm not sure how to control it...
when someone has been hurt/deceived so many times, do they start to jump to conclusions and "fight back" before a fight has even started; thus starting a fight themselves?
when is a situation "abusive" and when is it just two confused people trying to get themselves straight (not being perfect all the time when they are still in the "therapy" process)?
Everything has me so confused. I know that my SO is trying to get away from drugs and the subsequent lying; which he is trying to work through and stop doing. I distrust so much now that I am going crazy, imaging him doing drugs all the time, that I have now become a nosy nag (who is wondering whether or not I am paranoid).
Plus, I am still internally reeling from the huge fight we had after he used and I caught him. He finally admitted (days after the fight- after the "calm down to rational" period, I guess) that he searched himself and found that he does have a fear of commitment. But, consciously, he wants to be with me and fight that fear. And I have such a fear of abandonment that I had temporarily kind of left rationality behind and thought only of how I could end all of the pain for once and for all instead of re-visiting it every few years!
So, now, is he an abuser for using agrressive tactics during the fight and threatening to leave, or am I an abuser for threatening to kill myself? Both are signs of abuse!
And we both know that we are not mentally healthy and are committed both to ourselves and to each other, but are we just fooling ourselves?
We are getting along fine (mainly because I am hiding my paranoia because I truly think that's all that's going on at the moment), but inside, my mind is reeling.
I really, really want to take advantage of the fact that he loves me and is willing to go through all of the hard stuff- no one else I've ever been with has made me feel that a relationship is something BOTH parties work on, not just me. And, except for the drug/lying part (which is usually the catalyst for the aggressive behavior as well), we have the same core life goals and belief system. I love the man that he is when he's NOT on drugs.
But am I just being overly optimistic? Or am I just worried about being overly optimistic because I have become so paranoid? Or is it just my fear of abandonment causing me to stick with this- do I really know what love is anyway?
I would really enjoy having an IQ of 25, I think... things would be so much simpler if my mind didn't run in fifty different directons at the same time trying to put every freakin' little thing into a "logical box".
As for what I have been reading on the boards lately...
for me, I have terrible eye contact with others because I am basically ashamed of who I am and what I think.
the right to die issue is complicated even MORE so when you try to add in feeling guilty for leaving others behind... most of the time that my mind goes in that direction, I am looking to make everyone else's life EASIER by not being around to have to deal with. So I guess that changes the thread's argument a little...
When I was forced to go to the hospital, the nurse asked the doctor on duty whether she should call in the plastic surgeon to fix my wrists. The doctor told her that a spoiled brat who wakes up people in the middle of the night at the ER should have to live with the proof of her selfishness forever... I definitely felt maltreated at the hospital...
Well, back to work and pretending I'm "normal", whatever THAT is...
poster:sunny10
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/469243.html