Posted by sunny10 on March 10, 2005, at 15:20:24
In reply to Re: what I learned at family night (longish) » sunny10, posted by AuntieMel on March 10, 2005, at 12:53:09
> Ok, where to start.
>
> I quit drinking almost 2 years ago. The IOP I went to has weekly family nights to help family members that have gone through the drugging of the SO, and are now going through recovery. Some tidbits:
>
> Anger is absolutely normal. You've been living with lies and cleaning up his messes for a while.
>
---- So I'm not crazy for being mad that I was lied to??? Good to know...> The person doing the drugging will go happily along thinking nothing is wrong. That person's brain is numb. The non-drugging person goes crazy worrying about the other one. If a stranger were to walk into the house he would think the user acted normal and the non-user was the crazy one.
>
---------yes, I'm afraid I am being the crazy one...> While the user is addicted to drugs, the family member is addicted to the user. If you ask the family member 'what do you like to do' they usually can't answer you with anything they personally like. The user doesn't have that problem.
>
----- Crap, once again you're right on; I have no hobbies except reading (sitting in a corner quietly... escapism from reality, really, more than a "hobby")> As part of the recovery process the family member needs to change also. Where before he had control of the bills, house, everything - he will need to learn to share that responsibility.
>
---- Funny, I've been wondering when/if co-mingling of funds would ever happen. It used to really bother me that "he didn't trust me"... but, to be honest, the rent is getting paid, there is food on the table, and I'm not sure that I "trust HIM" enough for that now!> Trust is hard to get back, but it helps if the family member does allow the (ex)user to earn that trust back. The person in recovery also needs to realize that they earned distrust over a long period of time and it will not come back overnight.
>
-------- How do I learn to "allow it to be earned back" when I am completely paranoid now?? (Really, I am asking for your advice, here, not trying to be a wisea**...)> Meanwhile the family member needs to learn how to take care of himself. You have play tickets and he's too stoned to go? Take a friend. Go by yourself.
>
----This hasn't happened... mainly when he HAS used, he is "having some alone-time"; basically, we are both in the house and he is ignoring me. HE knows now that I can tell when he's using by his facial expressions and actions, so now he avoids me for the whole evening (like I don't know now that THAT is the telling action!)> And one thing stressed over and over: Give the person in recovery the dignity to do it himself and to make his own mistakes. Also let him get out of his own messes.
>
--- He has no messes other than lying and deceiving me. He is not an addict that misses work, falls down stoned, et cetera- just one that is alienating me.> But it can all be done gently and caringly. Example: he gets drunk and falls out of bed. You help him back in. He falls out again and you help him again. The third time you leave him there, *but* you put a pillow under his head and a blanket over him.
>
---The only way I can be "gentle and caring" in this example is to condone his actions; which I am unwilling to do...> I could go on and on.....
---Maybe you can go on and on with the specifics I just gave you?!? Please?????
poster:sunny10
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/469325.html