Posted by sunny10 on March 12, 2005, at 8:24:03
In reply to Re: if it DOESN'T last... » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 11:06:57
I'm not sure if I am perceiving what you wrote incorerctly, but I THINK you are asking whether it is really love or am I just trying to fill a void in myself. (And I HAVE done that in the past, so I am not upset by my perception of what you wrote, don't worry!)
As I just responded to AuntieMel, I didn't pick him, he picked me. I was not starting a relationship to fill a void this time. There wasn't a void ( other than the one most people suffering from depression have, I mean! You know, the "okay, I'm going to just try to make the most of this rotten life I'm stuck with" feeling!)
Will there be a void if this relationship can't be saved? Of course. I wouldn't love him if I haven't felt love and joy in our conversations, outings, and everyday living.
I have two things upsetting me right now. First is the lying and deceiving that comes with hiding drug use from a loved one. I feel betrayed. The second is that I fear for his health. I see how his body tries to adjust after he has used. The over-sleeping, racing heart rate, cold sweats, sinus infetions, et cetera. I know that his brother died at a young age (in his early/mid thirties- my SO's age now) froma brain anuerism (sp?). I know that his brother was also a user. I know that prolonged use of cocaine can result in brain anuerisms. If his brother died that way, isn't he also genetically predisposed to the same health issues? Don't I have a right to be concerned that the same thing will happen to him?
Do I "give up" on the relationship because he has lied to me, knowing that I will still care whether he lives or dies? Even if he chooses the drugs over me. Yes, my ego will be hurt, enraged even. But I will still love him.
At this point I am not trying to fill a void by attempting to keep his presence in my life- the void is actually very present WHILE he is in my life because of the deception. The betrayal has caused a void which needs to be repaired.
So the main questions running around in my head right now is whether
1) He feels the void, too
2) He wants to work on repairing my trust, and is trying to keep his promises of quitting for his own sake.But with him being the "proud type", he doesn't communicate any of what he is thinking with me.
And I am afraid to ask. If I ask it will seem like I am nagging (which, I guess, I would be....)
(By the way, our phone call cost nothing... it was just absorbed by my "minutes allowance"- it doesn't seem to matter that you are in BC and I am in the US! That means we can do it again.Yay!
I have wanted to call you, but my thoughts are so scattered right now it takes forever to even write/rewrite these posts!! And they probably STILL don't make any sense!)
poster:sunny10
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/470015.html