Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 19:57:44
It seems like people get better and move on, and I don't really feel like I'm getting better. Yesterday something happened that made me feel like I'm regressing not progressing.
I swing wildly between wanting to be close to my therapist again and wanting to cut all ties to him and never ever depend on anyone again.
I swing wildly between wanting to stay and wanting to move.
I am so tired all the time. With the onset of summer a few steps outside and I'm ready for a nap. Even walking across the house exhausts me and sets my heart to racing.
Am I that out of shape? Yeah, probably. But I know it's more mental than physical. If it were physical I'd be close to dead, and I'm not, so it must be mental.
It seems like I don't care about anything anymore. The dogs need brushing, but I'm just glad they let me know when they need food and water. I no longer really care what school is best for my son, or what is good for my husband's career. I sometimes wonder idly if I care abotu them. I know I don't care about me. Even stuff. I'm giving stuff away because I'm too impatient to try to sell it and I just want it gone. I'm supposed to be scanning things into my computer, but I'd rather just throw those things away too.
My therapist is going away in a way that will make it longer than a week till I can see him, but I feel no desire for camp comfort. I just want to hide away and sleep.
I'm ignoring calls from work. At least I think I am, except that I've got these slips of paper with information on them, so I must be doing something.
Time seems all wonky. I don't know how long ago I did something or what day it is. I forget what I'm doing between the time I set out to do something and when I arrive at where I'm going.
I just want to sleep.
I guess I'm better in the mornings since that's when it appears that anything I do gets done. But by evening it seems like a million years ago.
I'm even watching stuff I hate on TV because it's too much trouble to change the channel.
Yet I know I get stuff done sometimes because things are done. It just seems so distant and unreal.
I know I can't be doing as badly as I think, because my computer is almost restored.
I know I'm not doing as badly as I think I am.
I dunno.
I just want to sleep.
Some times I want to do worse things than sleep. But mostly I just want to sleep.
poster:Dinah
thread:636692
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/636692.html