Posted by orchid on April 25, 2006, at 14:32:34
In reply to I wish my therapist would fight more, posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:57:57
> or put more energy into trying to rebuild our relationship. Of course, he is who he is to me for the very reason that he's so laid back.
>
---Orchid
I think the truth is your therapist was always way laid back. And he perhaps will always be that way. And that style was the one that suited you the best in the past, and it is the same trait that is not working for you now. So I think it is you who has changed, and are now wanting something more than what your therapist is willing/capable of giving you. And I think that is the part you are struggling with right now, that you are putting all the effort in making this relationship work, and you are taking all the initiative, and he is continuing to be the same old person instead of recognizing the change in you and change his style to suit your needs now. He perhaps is still thinking of the same old Dinah who was happy to be content with what he was and is still being the same, instead of realizig that Dinah has undergone a severe emotional trauma and that he should be there for you more than he used to be. I think you should tell him that, and ask him to be there for you more.
> But I am afraid that one way or another I'm going to lose something that was once so important to me, and that I want to be important to me again. And that he isn't going to try to help me with that at all.
---Orchid
IT may happen that way. I think part of it also kind of growing up. Some part of you has grown up beyond your therapist's capability, and is now needing something more and you are afraid of losing your home with your T(so to speak).I think what has been happening has so much to do with the fact that you have changed and grown and need more than the fact that he hasn't changed.
>
> I hate to talk about this on board, because it seems to make people uncomfortable.
>
> But my rational side wants to move. All sorts of good reasons. Good rational reasons.
>
> And my emotional side worries about my son being uprooted at about the same age I had my first whateveryouwanttocallit and desparately doesn't want him to have one of those ruin the rest of his life like it did mine. And perhaps even more, my emotional side doesn't want to lose this person who is so very important to me. Or who was so important to me and who I hope to someday be important to me again. My emotional side thinks that life really wouldn't be worth living without him.
----Orchid
I think your above paragraph perfectly tells me that deep down you are realizing it is time to move on. And I think it would have happened either with Katrina or without it.And I think you have realistically two options left. 1. To decide to move on and find a new T.
2. To decide and accept in your mind that your T is not helping you now as much as he could, but continue to see him, simply because you don't feel like going to someone new and re establish everything again. IT is like when people in a marriage grow separate, but yet decide to hang on, for the fear of loneliness and are afraid to put too much effort again - but I think it is perfectly valid to stay in a relationhip because it is comfortable.
>
> And hardest of all to recognize is that there might be an angry nihilist living within. I'm a bit scared to talk about that because it doesn't fit in with my view of myself. But I think it's exerting a strong pull on me right now.
----Orchid
I think you are really very angry deep down. Who wouldn't be? You have lost many things, and it is taking a toll. You have every right to be angry. Don't be afraid of the anger. IT is ok.>
> I just wish I could get my therapist to dynamically help me with this. But it's like trying to light a rock on fire.----Orchid
I have felt that way with my first T - I wished he would come out and say something which would ease my mind and give me some peace. But he never did. And finally I had to accept that it is his style and no matter what I tried, he wouldn't change himself or put the effort to help me out. Maybe he had valid reasons, or maybe he just didn't bother enough. Some people are like that - they simply won't change. You can't do anything about it. And you have to accept it and make a decision about it for yourself.
poster:orchid
thread:636692
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/636944.html