Posted by orchid on May 1, 2006, at 17:53:01
In reply to I couldn't look at my T today, posted by happyflower on May 1, 2006, at 16:10:27
I am sorry it is so painful for you.
Your T was wrong from the beginning to let you in too much. He should have really kept his boundaries intact and high, and not let himself slide it whenever and wherever he wishes and push it back up whenever and wherever he chooses. It was his job to realize how it would make you feel and stop that from happening. It sounded a warning bell to me even 6 months back I think. And it is sad to see it taking its toll on you.
I don't honestly know if it is possible to revert the effects now. If he starts keeping a very hight boundary now, you would feel rejected and punished and hurt more.
I really don't know what the right solution is now. I think since he started slacking it off, he should continue with that, and be kind of warm and friendly with you everywhere, and at the same time, work on focussing on your therapy more and help you grow. That probably would make you feel good, and will help you in your growth, and you might be able to accept one day that you really cared about each other, and will help you move on. In short, if he starts pushing the boundaries now back, it would hurt you even more I think.
As to the situation with your husband. I think it is normal to feel repulsive when they start to come around. And it is very understandable that you are mad at him, and want a sincere apology and honest answers from him before you relent.
But many men do not apologize, and neither do they feel the need to. I think they think if they start acting differently, it is enough, and don't see the necessity for apology. However, if it is not enough for you, I think you should stand up to your convictions, and ask him to talk to you about what happened, and stick to seeing a marital counsellor. I think it will end up helping your marriage in the long run. Don't give in and have sex, because then he will never learn and he might repeat the behavior.
poster:orchid
thread:638845
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/638904.html