Posted by Daisym on April 28, 2006, at 10:34:45
In reply to Anger and bitterness, posted by fairywings on April 27, 2006, at 12:49:49
I have too much experience living with bitterness and it is the one thing I hope to truly never be. For me, I think of it as a hardened form of self-pity that gets globalized to all things in someone's life. It isn't an active state, but rather a way of existing within one's world. There is no grace or acceptance -- not be confused with approval. Just because you accept that something happened to you doesn't mean you approve of it, or embrace it.
I can't imagine you are bitter, based on what I know about you.
Being angry, on the other hand, is a very active emotional place. You might get stuck in this place but anger can give you clarity and motivation for change. The trick is to channel it in the right direction and not back inward at one's self.
I have a hard time with the concept of working through because to me that sounds like you finally do "put it all away" and are done with it. My therapist has recently started to talk to me about developing a relationship to the events in my life and the very different parts of me. This is a concept I can understand. Will I have a positive relationship with the memories of abuse? No. But I think figuring out how to deal with the memories is critical and the context of a relationship suggests something that will ebb and flow but that there will be familiarity...so I can think, "oh right, this is why I feel this way." Having a relationship to the events in my life also means owning them, and allowing myself to see the influence they've had on my choices. I so wanted to be "untouched" by my childhood -- as someone else said, "in spite of" -- not because of. But instead I'm Captain Kirk -- "my pain makes me who I am" and I'm beginning to see that. But it isn't all of me, it is only some of the experiences I've had. I can't reject those experiences without rejecting parts of me.
This is my really long winded way of saying that I don't think you can ever forget what happened to you but that if you develop a relationship to it, you take charge of it -- your memories, your feelings and your unconscious responses -- and you begin to feel more in charge of yourself. That doesn't mean that you aren't angry or sad when you think about the past...it means that you don't project that past anger on present events. Those events get their own justifiable response. And I think with this work comes a certain relief in trusting your responses -- you know what is old so you aren't always guarding against yourself. Does that make any sense?
I think it sometimes comes down to therapeutic orientation. Some therapists believe in talking about trauma until you don't need to anymore. Others want you to try to move past it and look at "just" the influence on your current life, how you are reacting to current stressors. But I always think it is appropriate to say, "when you say X, I feel Y" because it is totally possible that your interpretation of his words is not what he intended. This I do ALL the time. I learn a lot when I check it out.
Mostly I want to say I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.
Lv and hugs,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:637491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/637797.html