Posted by daisym on October 20, 2004, at 1:22:38
I have a new homework assignment. I am supposed to write a letter to myself that clearly outlines all the reasons I have to live. I am supposed to include things about myself that I still do well, and those I love. I'm supposed to write it in a way that reminds me of my strengths and reminds me that there are those who care about me. And the letter is supposed to include reminders of the promises I've made to my therapist and others about at least talking it over *first*.
This assignment came about because last Thursday evening I lost it completely and couldn't remember any of these things. I couldn't reach my therapist (at least I called) but I missed his call back and things went south from there. A very good friend sat with me until I could keep myself safe, but she found me only by sheer accident. On Friday, I told my therapist what I had done (left home with pills in hand) and on Monday I told him the rest of the details. I can't answer the question of "how intense was your intent?" because it is all muddled up in a confused ball of hopelessness. In the light of day, I *know* there are other answers, and very real reasons to struggle against the seduction of suicide. But in that moment, when that intense despair takes hold, those reasons are lost into the blackness and I can't *think* at all. I only want the pain to stop.
We talked yesterday and today about frozen despair and about how it can be triggered, just like the memories get triggered. That sometimes I get paralyzed in that old fear and I really can't think or make judgments, or see that I'm not as trapped as I was when I was a kid. That I'm an adult now and I have other options. That I'm the mom now (and a pretty good one) and I have kids that love and need me. I just feel so overwhelmed and hopeless that the pain will ever, never stop. Sooo...my therapist is hoping that the letter will remind me to wait, until a real person can remind me why I should keep struggling. He even said he would write in his own reasons I should *wait*, if I needed him to. And he "coached" me about how to leave a "desperate" message. I had to laugh at that. He did a great impression of corporate me, my best polite message voice. He said he has no way of knowing if I am changing a time or jumping off a bridge.
At least he wasn't mad at me. He is concerned and wants lots of contact this week. I have a go away for business on Friday, Sat.& Sun and then I'm back for a BIG two day meeting with my own staff the following Monday and Tuesday. I can't even go to my regular therapy sessions, let alone extra ones. He suggested we meet late Monday night (7pm) for a "total support" session -- I know better, he's checking up on me.
I have no idea how to write this letter. It feels ridiculous and dramatic but at the same time, I tear up trying to think of the good things and what I would be leaving. I'm sort of a mess...and I have a mountain of work to get through....so I'm not Babbling a lot. I tried to catch up tonight some, but if I don't respond to a post, please don't take it personal. I am reading and I do care about everyone here. I like Dinah's stool analogy...Babble is one of my legs too. Can I also steal, "this too shall pass"? Or better for me, "it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK." Now if I could only believe it.
poster:daisym
thread:405006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/405006.html