Posted by Annierose on May 31, 2009, at 9:01:02
In reply to Re: Back to the same yucky place » Annierose, posted by Daisym on May 31, 2009, at 1:21:36
Daisy -
I just want the spiral to stop. I can't see how this is healthy or even helping me. Her response to my disappointment feels punishing.
>>I think your therapist's observation that you throw up a wall to protect yourself from her caring might be valid - - - She may react to the closeness as well - by attempting to "teach" right in these moments or make an interpretation that goes no where - she may be intellectualizing instead of emoting. Because after so many years together, if this is the pattern, then she may (unconsciously) be wary and waiting for some kind of push back, which contributes to it. Kind of like we get what we expect because we provoke it. <<<<<
The part that especially struck true for me is her intellecutualizing instead of emoting. I want her to "be" with me in the moment --- not on the outside looking in. On Friday she was drawing from my past, and I thought she was going one way with the story and instead went in a very cold direction. In my grade school years, I spent a lot of time in my closet. It was a big closet and I made it my safe zone. I had blankets, a pillow, my favorite stuff in there (complete with flash light). My t brought this up and said "I think you need to build those closet walls up to protect you. So you won't get hurt." (Something like that). I was shocked. "WOW ... you went somewhere with that story that surprises me. I came to therapy to tear those walls down so I won't be alone anymore. This doesn't make any sense. (silence) I thought you were going to say, 'think of my office as your closet ... that this is your safe zone.'" Quite frankly, I forget most of her reply because she had already lost me ... but it contained the phrase "Yes it would be wonderful if you could think of my office as a safe zone ... (and something like) you need to protect yourself so your parent attacks won't penentrate you anymore."
>>>The other piece is around the quiet responses or silence. Not being seen, or being ignored, pushes big buttons with me. So it makes sense that your anger might be more intense than intended in order to get her attention. She, in turn, shuts down, gets quiet (won't defend herself, as she says) which makes you seek her out even more frantically. Sometimes when there is silence I feel abandoned in it - like I've been psychologically deserted. And that hurts a lot. <<<
This is exactly right but she doesn't seem to want to push through to me with words. When I express "I feel abandoned over here," she will say "I'm right here waiting for you." F*ck that. I wish that she would reach out to me, help me to the next stepping stone. Instead I must jump across and trust that she will be waiting. I can feel how your t reaches out for you and just as importantly lets you know he will catch you if you fall. Can your t call my t and tell her it's okay to open up her heart too?
>>>All that said, I absolutely agree that different styles interpret behaviors really differently, especially on the intensity scale.<<
And the funny thing is, I like my t because I can trust that she will never ever ever get angry. It's not that I haven't gotten her upset on occasion, but her calm exterior matches her inner zen as well.
>>>And I couldn't help but wonder, under all of this, if you aren't hurt that an earlier slot on Tuesday came open and she filled it with a new client instead of asking you. This has happened before, right? So you may not really realize it but you might beel dropped or slighted about this. <<<I did bring tell her how having a client in that time slot hurt my feelings. After some hesitation she explained that this was his first appointment, he came significantly late and that appointment time is not a standing appointment time that is available --- she only comes in that early occasionally. She also made the interpretation that it probably reminded me of my mom making special time for my brothers.
This stupid and minor incident has bothered me for a week now. I was convinced last night that I wanted to take a week break to sit back and chill. I woke up feeling better. My feelings sway back and forth.
Why is this so darn hard? and brain consuming?
poster:Annierose
thread:898357
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/898602.html