Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 12, 2009, at 23:11:15
In reply to Re: Throwing away the transference part? » FindingMyDesire, posted by Dinah on June 12, 2009, at 19:46:15
Hi Dinah,
Thanks for your thoughts. I'm in a Really, Really Bad Place. Close to tears constantly today. Had a terrible day at work, which I usually love.(Editor's note) Dinah - you may not want to read this whole thing depending on your state or even depending on if you have that many hours... ;-)
My partner is clearly trying really hard to be different - since couple's therapy on Monday. It's hard because I want to encourage these "behaviors" but that's what they feel like - things she is doing, not feeling. I don't trust her or them.
So, is my relationship with my T progressing like my other relationships? Well, "progressing" seems like an unusual word to use here. I suppose all of my issues are projecting onto her and so I have the opportunity to play them out with her.
She is totally trustworthy and I do think I believe she cares about me. But there are some things about her style that seem to surface when I'm in a certain state. I suppose that means it's all me. I tried to check it out with her and she wouldn't really take responsibility for what I was sensing. Goes back to me. That's familiar. Anytime I felt hurt by my father he did this mocking wave goodbye to me and said, "Bye, bye. You are taking yourself on that trip all by yourself." Maybe that's how healthy relationships are and I have to accept that. I'm me. You are you. And I shouldn't be effected by you or if I am then I just have to deal with it on my own. But don't think I can come to you all vulnerable feeling like I was hurt by you and expect that I'm going to feel safe when you won't engage yourself in the process at all.
I think I'm angry. (Another editor's note. My therapist, has been at least, the most incredible, supportive, caring, smart, intuitive, and attentive therapist I have ever experienced. She does many things within her boundaries for me to show her love - or what I guess just feels like love - for me. I'm just pissed off right now at everyone!)
And it's such a waste to be angry at my T. I'm really angry at my mother and my wife and my dad and who knows who else.
And that's such a waste too. Really, my relationship with my wife is all that matters. So, I should just be spending time on that one.
I'm in the spinning now. And I have to get out of it. No bad behaviors happening here. I'm just going to write A LOT and then cry A LOT and then go to bed. I see the T tomorrow.
I'm imagining All Kinds Of Rejecting Scenarios. (Again, a total waste of time.)
Telling her off in several different ways and then walking out (as if she would care.)
Sitting in the waiting room but not flipping the "someone's waiting" light and waiting to see how long it takes her to come out looking for me. Then pretend that I forgot. LOL That's funny. Whoa! I bet *that* would get her back for not calling me. HAHA I'm cracking myself up.
Wait for her to start talking. She will most likely ask something about what came up for me after Thursday. Or something more wilted, like, "How are you?" Then I somehow muster up enough strength to say I've been fine. Let's talk about my partner and what's going on at home. (This would require swallowing a lot of me which hurts. I can feel it right now in my body as I imagine this one.)
I start in first saying (in my most intellectual voice) that I have come to realize just how much projection I am doing onto her and that I realize I am having anger towards my partner, not her. That I am wanting things from her that I want from my wife. And so it's really irrelevant that I didn't get what I needed Thursday (or Saturday) from her because it's not about her. It's about my wife. So, let's just talk about my wife from now on. I'm done with that transference stuff. It served it's purpose and now it's just in the way. (This one hurts in my chest as I think it too.)
And on and on.
Problem is that these are all the LIES I'm trying to tell myself (and her in my head) to get away from the way I feel right now.
WHY CAN'T SHE SOUND AS COMFORTING IN PERSON WHEN I'M IN TERRIBLE NEED THAT SHE DOES WHEN SHE LEAVES ME SUPPORTIVE MESSAGES?????? CAUSE I *KNOW* IT'S DIFFERENT. SHE FEELS DIFFERENT. I HAVEN'T BEEN IN THERAPY FOR YEARS TO LEARN NOTHING ABOUT READING PEOPLE'S BODY LANGUAGE, TIGHTNESS OF VOICE, EYE DIRECTIONS. (Sh*t if I hadn't been so f*cked up myself, I would have wanted to be a T myself.)
If she could just say to me that she feels vulnerable or afraid of doing it wrong or afraid of showing too many of her real feelings for me and getting us off track (that'd be unlikely since I know she thinks I'm just pathetic now.) If she could tell me some of what she is thinking. I've had a therapist (3, actually) say things to me like, "I am really wishing I could comfort you right now. Or, "I can feel myself wanting to hold you right now." (with no intention of doing it - just letting me see some real feelings of theirs.) That can be so helpful in these situations.
WHAT ARE HER REAL FEELINGS FOR ME?
I mean, how can she expect for me to go in there like I have The Last Three Saturdays pouring my raw self out and sustain that without more connection? We didn't get to process it enough - to reconnect enough. We didn't get to talk about "us." And then she FORGOT to call me for that week. And then I got really, really drunk. And now we REALLY aren't connected.
She seemed so distant from me and so totally unable to see how humiliated and hurt I feel under all of my anger. She encourages the anger but doesn't make a container of warm love for me to have it in. Maybe cause she wants to leave space for me to be angry at her too? MAYBE. I'll give her that possibility, maybe. But you can't expect me to be angry at you, T, my primary *everything* and not also need to be held by you, my primary *everything*. I need to be held by you. (Not literally)
She just said, "I'm here." At the beginning of the session. And it sounded stifled. Sure, I can "be there" too. My *ss is on the couch and I've got my arms crossed. "Here I am!"
F*ck.
I don't think I have ever really complained about my T before. This feels WAY, WAY worse than anything else.
I know what any of you are thinking if you read all the way down here. I just need to try to talk to her about all of this. WHY? So I can cry and cry and feel like an idiot? While she sits there staring at me thinking to herself that all of these feelings are about my parents, my partner, and me.
I want all of my love letters back from her. If She Didn't Throw Them Out. They aren't really about her, right? What a waste of creative energy - expressing my love for her.
Bad Place, Bad Place.
I'm writing here in my old post cause I don't want any of the newbies to get scared away from the complexity and beauty of transference and it's positive uses. I just *think* too much. I just should have let it unfold, not asked for things, and then just found myself laughing with her at the end. "Yeah, that was so funny how you thought you were attracted to me or that you loved me. Remember that? Good times..."
F*ck this humiliation. I hate humiliation more than anything. I HATE TO BE HUMILIATED. She needed to set a boundary, but SH*T she could have done it with a LOT more sensitivity and care. Maybe she doesn't get that when I'm furious - that's my child too. Not just when I'm crying. My anger is a desperate attempt to hold on to myself.
My anger is the only thing keeping me from cutting this hole out of my chest.
Formerly Looking For My Desire
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:899835
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/900711.html