Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 7, 2009, at 13:33:22
I'm not in my usual writing mood just now so this won't take too, too long. Just want to feel a bit connected. Therapy has continued to be intense, deep, and amazing. I feel pretty connected right now. (Just saw her yesterday.)
But, unfortunately we agreed she would leave a message for the week and she hasn't done it yet. Usually she would have. These are the possibilities running through my mind:
A. She forgot. I would have big feelings about this one although I would like to think I could handle it. But as I say that, I don't think I could.
B. She was short on time yesterday and now it's a Sunday family day so who knows when she will get to it. Again, I would like to be OK with that, but it only takes 2 - 4 minutes to call me and leave a message so I'm really not OK with this one.
C. She thinks she left a message but there was a technical glitch. This can happen which is why we agreed I would call her if I hadn't heard from her in 24 hours from the time I would expect her to call. That would be right about now. But I can't seem to make myself call. Too vulnerable. Too pathetic. Too much burden on her. Too much.
D. Something terrible happened to her or someone she loves. I just worry then and definitely don't want to call if it could be D cause I would just feel like an insensitive jerk.
E. Another client is in crisis (while I'm not at the moment) and has taken her attention away from me. I feel insanely jealous about this idea, and then, also like an insensitive jerk.
*sigh*
I'm trying to do good things. I'm thinking of really loving (or just supportive, I guess) things she said yesterday and I'm just feeling them over and over in my ears. I'm reading my special notebook where I have written little notes expressing only the times I have felt connected to her. I'm staring at her little tiny icon picture of her on my desktop. I'm telling her how much I love her in my head.
Usually I might be rejecting her and then me... so it's not that bad right now. But I am still asking, what's my next move? What should I do? When do I call? Should I call? Why must I call? See... then the judgments start coming... and it's only Sunday. I have until Thursday potentially to deal with this. I just want control. I don't to hurt, be hurt, be in need, get critical, start to spiral, and then spin out over something like a stupid phone message.
Wow. Somehow I think I just described one of my issues, but I'm too tired to figure it out. Just took and Ativan.
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:899835
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/899835.html