Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 17, 2009, at 19:42:31
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering** » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by antigua3 on May 16, 2009, at 7:38:00
Oh antigua, I posted (I thought) a long reply, and it seems to have gotten lost in the moving forest of 0s and 1s. Actually, I probably didn't hit the second post reply button.
I wanted to say that I am SO HAPPY for you. The job, the dream project, and your son visiting all sound like such great blooms of triumph in the midst of so much low down dirty despair. I am so, so happy for you. And also, what a great reminder that all things, even despair, are impermanent. I CAN get through this--thank you!!!
What you said about knowing your core is solid--that you are a giving, loving person--so resonates with me. First, YOU are so obviously a giving, loving person--look at the gifts you've given me here, this support and this empathy! Second, that is what I aspire to. I would rather leave this earth knowing that I have truly loved and been loved than having been a great author. I'd like both, but if I can't have them, I'll take the former.
But I feel better, and, taking your advice, I'm going to leave off the triggering work for now and start writing something completely different. Something so foreign to me, it's as though I'm taking a fabulous trip through imagination.
Thanks antigua!! Did you start your new job--how is it?? I am sending positive vibes to you: may your dream project come to fruition, and be everything you dreamed, and more...
> I'm so happy to see that you're feeling well enough to post again, and please don't apologize. (Remember, at least you're writing!) Everyone here understands that we all go through phases, and depression can just take you away to that darkest spot where you can't do anything.
>
> We do seem to be going through similar things and I'm sorry you feel them too. It's nice to know I'm not alone either.
>
> I'm a writer and editor too and I know how difficult it can be to work when our minds can't concentrate or focus. I'm not a first draft kind of person. My perfectionism comes in where I rewrite and edit to death until I can let it go. It's exhausting.
>
> I, took, like short fiction and have been working on a collection of short stories (the novel has been put on hold like you), but I'm finding that writing them can be very triggering and not only do I have to back off, I become totally unable to write.
>
> Plenty of stressors to go all around. How do I keep going? Some type of internal faith keeps me going.
>
> But now let me make you feel better and show you there is hope.
>
> I have my writing and I've been working on developing a "dream" project for years. Last year, I thought the project was really going to work out this time. But last fall, my financial backer pulled the plug. I was devastated, partly because I didn't see it coming and also because all I could think of was what a huge failure I am.
> I thought I was functioning OK dealing with this loss, to the point that I went off my AD, with my pdoc's agreement, because it was too agitating.
>
> I couldn't find work as an editor either after this because the economy was so bad. I'd send out resumes,contact friends and colleagues, etc., all to no avail. Things started to get desperate around here, with my husband on my back to get to work. Also, while I was still working on developing my dream project, there was no way I was going to be able to pay to keep the development going. It was all so horrible, although gratefully my children were OK. Therapy was also so intense that I spiraled downwards pretty quick to the most horrible place I ever remember being.
>
> Last Sunday, Mother's Day, I woke up so early and couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and laid on the couch, trying to figure out what I was going to do. I was going to have to abandon my project and quit therapy, among other things, because there was just no more money.
>
> So I laid on the couch and did some EMDR. A hypnotist had taught me the protocol (I had done it before so I knew what to expect). This calmed me down some and the thought emerged that I was giving up therapy because it was causing me so much pain, I was having troubles with both my pdoc and T, and I just didn't see the outcome as being positive: I felt that when it came down to it, I was alone with my feelings (PTSD) and despite their help, I would always be alone and I didn't see heading down that final path with either one of them if the result was going to be the same. They are just people, not Gods, and I have to figure out how to deal with my issues by myself. I've always been alone when it comes down to it,so why put myself through such pain.
>
> I felt a little better and went to church with my MIL as part of her Mother's Day present as I had no money to even buy her a gift. Church was comforting in a way and I do admit I prayed pretty hard, although I don't ever expect prayers to be answered.
>
> Mother's Day is a difficult day for me anyway, but it worked out nicely with my kids, even though one is away at college. Last year I had to physically prevent myself from doing something awful,so I was on guard. After the festivities, I just spiraled even further downward and I really don't know how I made it through the day. I was quitting therapy, my dream project was dead, we are about to go under financially, I couldn't get work, I couldn't write and I felt terrible about myself. It was all my own fault for getting (us) into this situation.
>
> A couple of weeks ago,I asked my pdoc to put me back on an AD and while I did feel better in some ways, it just made me feel that I now had the strength to end it all.
>
> On Monday, things started to happen. I heard from a company that I'd sent my resume to last fall. They needed another editor. I made an appt to go see them and by Thursday I was working again. Then I had a couple of appts about my project and all of a sudden there is hope there again. And my son is coming home from college today for a visit.
>
> I actually had called to quit therapy before all this happened, and my pdoc and my T came through in ways that I never imagined. Talk about corrective emotional experiences! I knew my pdoc wouldn't try to talk me out of it, but we talked on the phone and he treated me and gave me what I needed to hear. So while I'd like to quit therapy, it's not time and hopefully I will have the money to pay for it again. They both convinced me that going down this path to the core of my tortured soul doesn't have to be the same as I felt when I was on my own as child: terrified, abandoned and abused. I'm not sure I believe them yet, but now I have the opportunity to find out, and hopefully take this last journey with them.
>
> I'm still stunned. Not writing yet, but that will come. All of a sudden I have hope again, the most precious commodity for a depressed person. And it all happened in a week.
>
> I don't know what my message is except Don't Give Up. There is hope, even in our darkest hours.You have to find something to hold on to. For me, it's just faith that things will change. Not religious faith, but something inside that keeps me going, although I came perilously close to losing it all.
>
> I get so involved in evaluating my self-worth by a really stringent set of standards based on my work. It gets so bad that I forget my value as a person. That I have a good heart, I'm compassionate and I freely give my love to those around me. Those are the things that really matter--not failing or succeding at work, or not being able to get work, or keeping the peace with my husband. I guess I know that my core is solid, even though I'm chased by demons I can't seem to eradicate. They are always there--criticizing me and letting me know what a failure I am. It's horrible, but in thinking so hard last Sunday, I shocked myself back into remembering who I really am. If we lose our house, that would be terrible, but it wouldn't change who I am.
>
> Sorry to be so long, but I think I needed to get this out.
>
> The only negative thing I can see from all the good that happened this week is that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've never been able to truly enjoy "success" (however I define it) without worrying that something bad is going to happen. Somehow or other, well, based on childhood experiences, I don't believe I deserve good things. Sigh.. another thing to work on.
>
> So write! Try something new if the old stuff is triggering. It doesn't mean you'd be abandoning the work that is triggering you. It just means that you will have another piece in your portfolio down the road.
>
> Please take care, and write to me anytime.
>
> I'm glad you're seeing a new pdoc this week and I'm sending good thoughts your way. Just be honest about how badly you feel and let him/her know what hasn't worked in the past.
>
> antigua
poster:Amelia_in_StPaul
thread:893471
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/896332.html