Posted by muffled on August 25, 2006, at 14:58:33
In reply to late last night **SI, posted by ElaineM on August 25, 2006, at 13:57:44
> I messed up big time -- I thought I was doing so well considering the mess my body and mouth are now. UGLY.
***I dunno what you like outside, cuz I anin't seen ya irl. But inside(which is what REALLY matters), I think your lovely.
I've been fighting the urge very strongly the past week and a half. There is too much happening -- more than I could type out. And I'm not sure anyone could understand. My mind is so confused, or stupid -- I'm not comprehending things, or at least not fast enough. Everything someone says takes twice as long to work through my brain.....I don't know what I'm saying...
***Well, you can only try, and see if anyone understands, even part of it. And you have been good in the past bout explaining what is good and bad as far as helping you. We have had some concern about your situation, but its a matter of what needs working on first. What would be the most helpful to you at this time.
I get like that when I'm stressed. I just can't seem to think. Its VERY frustrating. So I don't think its a matter of stupidity, but just a reaction to stress.
>
> I'm sorry I haven't been writing. There's too many words for my fingers to get out, and I don't know if it does any good anyways. I say the wrong things, or nothing at all.
***Sometimes it helps to write things out, in a journal, or Babble. You can't say the wrong things here, unless your purposely trying to hurt others or something, and I have never seem you do that. You have been very supportive of others.
Little bits. Can you imagine your life as a pie, and all the things that go on are slices of the pie? (my T calls it the 'pie of your life' LOL!)
Then can you look at those slices as individual things, and see if theres anything, no matter how small, that you might do to make the troublesome slices smaller?But I've been reading everyone's posts and I do sometimes feel not as frantic, because someone else is fighting too -- it's just alot of the time it's barely enough.
***Yeah, that helps me too. I don't feel so alone in my craziness.
Sometimes I think I'm not gonna make it, but somehow, I do.
My T is big on explaining that no matter how intolerable the emotion may be at the time, it will pass.(I tend to say, yeah, the intensity DOES lessen, but sometimes it seems to take an awful long time for that emotion to actually pass)My head hurts. I need to make my insides stronger. I need an iron-clad mind that doesn't care about any of sh*t that happens outside of it -- to my mouth, my heart, my body, my bank account, my family...It always happens that when I think I've made it over a hump, that's when everything blows up in my face, and I find out that the hard stuff is only just beginning. That's when I SI. Like last night.
***My T HATES that I SI. HATES it. She has been unconditionally accepting of it as a coping mechanism, but thats all. I have finally(I think), truly made her UNDERSTAND, as best as she is able, that its not that awful.
She's very good about it. Its a coping mechanism I've used for a long time. It works for me. And it sure as hell is better than some of the alternatives.
>
> Yesterday around midnight I got a call saying that my little brother had been arrested! I'm not too clear on all the charges, mainly DUI, running from the cops, insanely speeding in residential area, and resisting arrest. My parents (who I'm not even close to) are just about over the edge now, and my heart is breaking for them (?). They have to buy his lawyer.***HELLO???? Why are they paying for his lawyer? Doesn't he get legal aid?
I don't know when the trial is. What is going to happen to him? Everytime he does something he finds a way out, and so never gets help, and never suffers any consequences. I'm scared for him.
***I dunno how 'the system' is in your area, but maybe he will be able to get treatment in jail? I'm sorry, but I can't remeber iof he is a juvenile or not?
You know what, I know that you know, that there is nothing that you can do for your brother other than say that you'll be there for him and help him find options for help should he ever wish it.
Yes. He could die. The streets can be deadly. Or worse, as far as I'm concerned, he could end up hurting someone else.
But its HIS life, HIS choices. You can come alongside to be a friend to him, but the choices are his. Its SO SO hard. But you need to be able to keep a distance from him emotionally. Its the f*cking sh*ts, but its the way it is.I'm worried about my Dad -- we (their kids)are gonna kill them. ANd it's so frustrating to me that they won't help me with my sickness, but they'll enable my delinquent, addict brother...Who I love though. I want him to have help....see, I can't think properly. I'm so selfish. I'm sad that they hate me so much -- but I'm even sadder for them. Why does it work that way?
***"Your even sadder for them"......God El, you have such a big beautiful forgiving soul.
Would it be possible for you to tell us more about your relaationship with your parents, and history etc, so that we might better understand? Don't if its gonna be too painful for you, but it might help us to better understand....
Maybe we can somehow give you some ideas as to how you could possibly whittle down some of those pieces of the pie of your life that are hurting you?
>
> I can't take all this. I really can't. It just never ever ends -- just one thing after another, after another.***Overwhelmed. That usu my #1 reason for SI. Cuz I get overwhelmed.....
But then things get better for a bit.....
>
> I have too much stuff and it's stuff that no one can help me with.***The physical stuff?
I feel you all here, and yet I know I am still alone.
***I'm religious, so I always got Jesus with me, though sometimes He feels so far away. That I am SO ashamed of myself, that I SO bad, that how on earth could He ever possibly want to be with me? How could I be with Him, in the depths of my shame? But even when I feel that bad. He's always been there. I look back, and realize I may have FELT alone, but I wasn't. And thats how I in fact survived the seemingly unsurvivable.
All alone except for one - not a help right now, but a chunk of the worry and fear himself. Maybe he'll be grossed out if he sees the SI. Not so lovely then. He hates that. But I'm not sure I want him to think I'm terrible.
***From what you have said of your T, I don't think he'll be grossed out. It just hurts him to see you hurt. My T is the same really.
Are you able to talk to your T openly bout the worries and fears you have regarding him? Guess thats a thread unto itself! But ONLY if you feel able.
We don't want you to feel pressured here. We want you to feel safe, and that you can talk bout what you need to, and that if we going down the wrong track, or getting judgemental by accident, then you can say so, cuz we just want to help. We know pain. Anything we can do to lessen anothers pain helps us too.I don't know what I want. I'm so scared. I just want someone to take me away from all this. Is it ever going to end? =:::(
**So, so sorry its so hard for you now. :-(
Can I send you a safe warm hug?
Can you feel my arms around you?
Squeezing, but not too hard?
I am beside you, I think you are not ugly, I sit beside you, and your not alone. I am there with you.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:680048
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/680055.html