Posted by ElaineM on August 25, 2006, at 13:57:44
I messed up big time -- I thought I was doing so well considering the mess my body and mouth are now. UGLY. I've been fighting the urge very strongly the past week and a half. There is too much happening -- more than I could type out. And I'm not sure anyone could understand. My mind is so confused, or stupid -- I'm not comprehending things, or at least not fast enough. Everything someone says takes twice as long to work through my brain.....I don't know what I'm saying...
I'm sorry I haven't been writing. There's too many words for my fingers to get out, and I don't know if it does any good anyways. I say the wrong things, or nothing at all. But I've been reading everyone's posts and I do sometimes feel not as frantic, because someone else is fighting too -- it's just alot of the time it's barely enough. My head hurts. I need to make my insides stronger. I need an iron-clad mind that doesn't care about any of sh*t that happens outside of it -- to my mouth, my heart, my body, my bank account, my family...It always happens that when I think I've made it over a hump, that's when everything blows up in my face, and I find out that the hard stuff is only just beginning. That's when I SI. Like last night.
Yesterday around midnight I got a call saying that my little brother had been arrested! I'm not too clear on all the charges, mainly DUI, running from the cops, insanely speeding in residential area, and resisting arrest. My parents (who I'm not even close to) are just about over the edge now, and my heart is breaking for them (?). They have to buy his lawyer. I don't know when the trial is. What is going to happen to him? Everytime he does something he finds a way out, and so never gets help, and never suffers any consequences. I'm scared for him. I'm worried about my Dad -- we (their kids)are gonna kill them. ANd it's so frustrating to me that they won't help me with my sickness, but they'll enable my delinquent, addict brother...Who I love though. I want him to have help....see, I can't think properly. I'm so selfish. I'm sad that they hate me so much -- but I'm even sadder for them. Why does it work that way?
I can't take all this. I really can't. It just never ever ends -- just one thing after another, after another.
I have too much stuff and it's stuff that no one can help me with. I feel you all here, and yet I know I am still alone. All alone except for one - not a help right now, but a chunk of the worry and fear himself. Maybe he'll be grossed out if he sees the SI. Not so lovely then. He hates that. But I'm not sure I want him to think I'm terrible. I don't know what I want. I'm so scared. I just want someone to take me away from all this. Is it ever going to end? =:::(
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:680048
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/680048.html