Posted by orchid on April 27, 2006, at 14:49:37
Not sure if this is the right place to talk about it. But it is about my work and since it has quite a bit of psychological aspects to it, I think this might be the place to ask for advice.
I had an excellent career, and was quite very accomplished - I worked in perhaps one of biggest companies in the world, and I was doing decently well. And I gave it up 6 months back for personal reasons to move back to my country and am not working now.
However, now I am thinking of either going back to work or atleast studying further in my field and there are some psychological blocks that are occurring in my mind.
Growing up, I was considered to be very geeky, and the serious type with no fun and who always is a book worm etc. I was even considered to be completely feeling less or without any sexual feelings by my cousins. I was also very fat and way oversize. But I was considered to be very intelligent and always did well in studies, even with minimal effort. (Later I realized that being fat and being so studious was my perverted attempt to come to terms with my mild csa and to avoid any attention to myself to even look attractive). But naturally I am decently good looking, and eventually I shed all the extra pounds and became more feminine (according to the traditional terms, and now there is no issue with my appearance). And now I am decently good looking.
But there is always a part of me that associated being a good student and doing well in academics and career with being geeky and masculine, and somehow associated that with being not attractive and feminine. Logically I know that is not the case, but emotionally I still find it hard to accept that I could do very well in my career and still be a good woman - so to speak.
So even though I was doing well in my career, a part of always fought against it myself - I would loaf around, and delay doing things etc etc, but I somehow managed to do well in the end.
Now, however, I find myself not able to overcome this emotional block. I find myself unable to study about my career, and I need to constantly study and do well and be assertive to be able to succeed. And wheenver I try to study, I find myself feeling very yucky about myself, and feel like I am being like a man.
Any advice on how to overcome this? And to add to that, my husband is following some cult which is preaching against women working. They take a very conservative stance about every thing, and that is not helping, though my husband doesn't object to my going back to work, I get the feeling that he would prefer me in a more homely kind of role.
And there are some practical issues like being in a constant shuttling mode from my country and the US and we plannning for a child etc which are working against me working again as well. But still I would like to overcome this psychological block now.
poster:orchid
thread:637513
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/637513.html