Posted by daisym on October 30, 2005, at 20:58:06
In reply to Re: Tale Tales **May be big trigger for some, csa** » antigua, posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 16:22:57
I'm sitting here wondering how to respond. I feel furious and sad and filled with an understanding I wish I didn't have. My dad was my "favorite" parent -- he stayed home with us when we were small (he was finishing his PhD and my mom worked) and he was the snuggly, huggy one. There is so much confusion for me now, any yearning for physical comfort has sexual overtones. I expect touch to turn sexual...except with my kids. And I expect to have to "pay" for hugs, comfort, etc.
The fact that my dad moved away when I was 13, (without saying good-bye) and was gone from my life for 4 years added to the confusion. I missed him terribly, felt the loss deeply and was hugely relieved. He came back into my life when my older brother graduated from high school. By then he was remarried and he had had a vascetomy. (I swear, first two things he shared with me when he visited.) I cried when told me about his new wife -- like another loss was taking place. Like I'd been replaced and rejected. It didn't help that he had lots to say about my breasts, boys and my probable sexual conduct. This is where I started drinking -- my Junior year in high school.
I'm telling you all this just to try to show you that you aren't twisted and you certainly aren't alone. I wish you never had this experience. But I think it is huge that you have learned so much about yourself and your feelings through this episode. It is really looking more and more like a re-enactment, isn't it? It makes me wonder which part of you (younger self) was asking for the hug, and which part feels that 6th grade hurt? It is times like these that I wish we could just remember, not feel every damn thing!
I agree with everyone else. You aren't too old, nor too ugly to be loved, hugged and cared for. You are special. You deserve to have someone sooth the hurt, not add too it.
And...it is OK that you still love your dad. This is something I struggle with, holding love and hate at the same time. But it is what we grew up with.
No wonder we are confused.
(((Antigue)))
poster:daisym
thread:573261
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/573587.html