Posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 16:22:57
In reply to Tale Tales **May be big trigger for some, csa**, posted by antigua on October 30, 2005, at 9:17:45
> Thanks for checking in. It has been a very bad couple of days but I think I've learned a lot.When I was rejected by my designated "hugee" all types of feelings were let loose, but the one I keep focusing on is a feeling that it was a sexual rejection; that I'm old, fat, ugly and this guy can have any young thing he'd probably go after (he is very proud of his physique, and is in excellent shape for his age--(older than me BTW). He has totally rejected me, and won't even let me speak with him. It's bizarre, as if I was a stalker or something.
Yes, I think I can relate to the sexual rejection thing. Especially since this man has rejected you so completely as to refuse to speak to you. That *is* bizarre, and he must be over-reacting. It sounds as if he has issues of his own… Otherwise, if he didn’t want to hug you, he could easily have said, “Sorry, I don’t really feel comfortable with hugs; I hope we can still be friends.”
I can understand that being refused a hug and being pushed away completely might cause you to feel ugly. I would feel that way too. The sad thing is that if he’s the sort of person who would reject you like this, perhaps a hug from him wouldn’t have been the beautiful experience you’d hoped for.
I was thinking some more about the sexual element in the wish for a hug and I wonder if it’s about being desired by a man who can touch you intimately (by hugging you) without trying to be *sexually* intimate. I think (for me anyway) it might be about experiencing a safe and restrained male sexuality. Maybe there’s an idea of sacrifice in it too… it’s the idea that he wants me but he won’t touch me sexually because he knows that despite his desire (and possibly mine) it wouldn’t be best for me... I guess ultimately it’s an attempt to rewrite history.
> The sexual rejection was very confusing to me. Why? Well, here's the hard part for me, and stop reading if it's too much.
>
> My abuser was my father. He left our family when I was about 11. I didn't see him for at least a full year after that until he came to visit for Christmas (and my birthday). I was in 6th grade, had just gotten my period, was kind of chubby (as girls tend to be during puberty, before they blossom), my teeth needed braces, you get the picture. The typical awkward pre-teen. There was some confusion over my birthday present--I thought he didn't bring me one, while brought my brother one, so I was really hurt (he had sent me something that arrived later, but I didn't know that and he didn't tell me).I’m so sorry about the present. How disappointing and confusing for you. That in itself must have felt like a rejection.
> That weekend, I felt rejected by my father; I just felt it all around me. He had a new woman and he had no need of me. I remember he told me I was fat, which made me feel repulsive (bulimia didn't happen until later!). . He never touched me, thank god, but that weekend was the end of it all for me. I felt totally, 100% rejected, and I guess I was too old for him now. He rejected me sexually, in my young girl's mind, and since love and sex were so confused in my mind, I felt he had taken his love away.
I think many girls would have felt sexually rejected by all that, even without sexual abuse in the equation. Fathers can be very important to pubescent girls, and there can be all kinds of sexual undercurrents in a father-daughter relationship. In an ideal world, fathers help their daughters negotiate all that sexual tension by helping them to feel comfortable about their new bodies and feelings and thoughts, and without exploiting them. So if there’s a history of sexual abuse it must be even more complicated and distressing.
> This is really, really hard. I wasn't even good enough for him anymore. Twisted, right? What kind of normal relationships could a girl like this ever expect to have?I really don’t think you’re twisted. I think it’s a perfectly natural way to react to his rejection. Sexual rejection is always difficult to deal with, but when you’re in 6th grade and it’s your father… that’s one of the hardest kinds of rejection anyone could ever face.
> Does anyone else have similar experience? Did anyone else feel rejected by their abuser?? Or have I just totally lost it?
I haven’t had the same kind of experience, but I know people who have, and I know it can be extremely confusing. You’d expect to feel relieved that your abuser is no longer interested in abusing you. But because the abuser is someone who also showed you love, and because sexual behaviour is associated with love almost everywhere else in society, it can feel as if by stopping the abuse the abuser has also stopped loving you. And to add into that his new woman and unkind words at a point in your life when your own sexuality is just beginning to develop… it must be one of the most painful things you could experience.
> I know we're working this back towards the beginning, with my T, and I will call her later, but I'm just so stunned.
I can really understand why the rejection by this man you wanted to hug would bring back all those 6th grade feelings about your father (and by the way, I wondered whether this man reminds you of your father in some way). But I’m certain that despite your feelings at the moment, you’re not too old or ugly to be loved, hugged and desired.
I hope you can find someone who deserves your wish for a hug, because this man obviously didn’t.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:573261
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/573482.html