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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 14:29:22
This is from a guy I used to work with. No longer in my department. I just got this random e-mail and it's so kind :) almost made me cry. Someone remembered me :)
Hi [llrrrpp]
Nice to hear from you again [I had responded to his group e-mail complimenting our department on our safety record]If we had a "Hall of Fame", I would definitely put you there. I enjoyed and miss working with you. Awesome should be your middle name. I really appreciate all your support and I would like to again say that you deserve the best in life because you are simply the best.
[Isn't that incredibly kind? It's so kind that it's almost causing me anxiety because I don't really feel that way. I don't feel like I was supportive, I was just goofy- tried to make a boring job more fun. And I'm not used to such strong explicit compliments about my personage, usually I get isolated compliments about my work, or my cooking, or whatever- but rarely on my personality. I'm dumbstruck. trying really hard not to completely discount this. it would be an insult to this guy's good judgment -which he has- if I discounted it.
why do compliments feel so uncomfortable??!!!
Also, I was worried the whole time that I was committing faux-pas's. You see, this guy is African-American, and much older than I am, coming from a different background. And after we'd been working for a year or so, I would bring up cultural differences and race relations and things into our conversations. I've never been comfortable speaking about these things before, and even our superficial conversations felt kind of difficult, just because two people so different from each other rarely have the opportunity to discuss things like that.
I consider myself lucky that he let me learn from the ignorant things I said, rather than becoming defensive and closed, pegging me as a bigot. Because the truth is that I was raised by a family (one side) who has a long history of organized overt racism, southern style. And the other side of the family is ultra-liberal equality for all, etc... I always had things that I wanted to know about the Black experience in the USA, but I never knew who to ask, who I wouldn't offend. And he taught me a lot. More about how similar we are and how our differences are social constructs that are no longer relevant. Also an appreciation for many wonderful aspects of African American culture, (food, family life, ceremony, etc.)
And he thinks I'm awesome. wow. I'm blown away. Don't know whether to smile or what.]
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 15:21:23
In reply to I just got a little boost, posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 14:29:22
seriously feeling a lot of anxiety something.
very confusing emotion.I think it's cognitive dissonance. That is, that the world is telling me one thing [former co-worker's email] and my insides are telling me something else [you're racist and ugly/difficult/unpleasant to work with/etc].
Now I have to reconcile these two opposing world views.
1) i can deflect the compliment
2) i can absorb the complimentproblems 1) if I deflect the compliment, I am rejecting something from someone I value. I am throwing his words away, as if they were garbage. Actually I respect this guy. He is smart, talented, kind and very professional.
2) If i absorb the compliment I have to rewrite an internal script. I'm a good coworker. I didn't make him dislike me despite my candor about race relations in the US. I stand out among many people he's worked with. I'm supportive, and "awesome".I guess I'll go with option 2. I just wish it were easier. I *want* to believe that I'm crap, but I *think* maybe he's right, at least in his experience of working with me. want in one hand. think in the other. feel = anxious. uncertain. not happy. yuck
Posted by curtm on July 31, 2006, at 16:29:25
In reply to I just got a little boost, posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 14:29:22
That seems completely normal reaction to feel like you were put on a pedestal by an old friend. But that is simply because you are not narcissistic. In fact, from what I know of you, you have very good insight. Get used to it because you are a very special gal.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 16:30:49
In reply to Re: I just got a little boost » llrrrpp, posted by curtm on July 31, 2006, at 16:29:25
> That seems completely normal reaction to feel like you were put on a pedestal by an old friend. But that is simply because you are not narcissistic. In fact, from what I know of you, you have very good insight. Get used to it because you are a very special gal.
(((curtm)))
that's so sweet. now you're going to make me cry!stop being so nice to me, i like it!
-ll
Posted by Phillipa on August 2, 2006, at 12:30:32
In reply to feeling pretty uncomfortable now, posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 15:21:23
Yeah curtm is a sweet guy. Love Phillipa
Posted by Racer on August 4, 2006, at 1:09:33
In reply to feeling pretty uncomfortable now, posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 15:21:23
> 2) I didn't make him dislike me despite my candor about race relations in the US. I stand out among many people he's worked with.
You said that Curt nearly made you cry by being nice? I'll try to avoid that by being mean to you.
Lurpsie, have you considered that maybe you stand out as a good coworker BECAUSE of your candor about race relations in the US?
lol Honestly -- think about this guy's experience: he's got to hide, in a way, his own experience of the world. You offered him an opportunity to be candid about something he probably can't talk about very often. And you listened and learned and treated what he said with respect.
Wow, what a lousy coworker!
It's funny, tonight in Group, I told about a woman I study with, and something that happened that I feel bad about. I'd been skipping lunch, but with the stress of this class I've started bringing a salad to eat at lunchtime. The other day, she said something like, "Racer, you're always so good with your little salad." And then said something unkind about her own weight, and her mother eating when she was upset, and I did tell her that my mother was so afraid of gaining weight that she never had anything in the house to eat that didn't need to be cooked for a long time -- but I didn't tell her that my "good" salad was actually very bad, that I have an eating disorder, and that I feel like a loser for eating at all, for not being able to keep thinking without something to eat during the day. I'm betting that she might have felt better, knowing that I wasn't just really good about eating -- that I was really bad about eating, in fact, so bad that I'm eating *disordered.* And I would have been relieved to be able to say something, but I'm so ashamed of it. I couldn't possibly talk about it, tell people that it's why it looks as though I'm a healthy eater, or why I shrug off comments on how "slender" I am -- I've gained more than 40 pounds, fer cryin' out loud!
I'm betting your former coworker feels similar in a lot of ways. He obviously can't hide his race, but I'll bet he wishes frequently that he could TELL someone what it's like to be inside him, to TELL someone what his experience is like. He can't tell other Blacks, because that just turns into "Well, but this happened to me..." He probably doesn't have a lot of whites he can talk to candidly -- think about how many people you know who would be so uncomfortable with the whiff of racism that they'd cut him off, invalidate his experience.
Lurp, I'm betting you really are every bit as awesome as he said you are. And that it was a great benefit of his employment for you to have been part of it.
I hope that helps. And that I wasn't too mean to you...
Posted by Phillipa on August 4, 2006, at 11:18:41
In reply to Re: I just got a little boost » llrrrpp, posted by curtm on July 31, 2006, at 16:29:25
Funny maybe cause I'm originally from Connecticut during my high school days one of my best friends was Afro American. We always forgot and would talk and then remember.See we just didn't see color up North. And where I'm living in NC the richest people are of that race football players and retired from the North. And we discuss the differences from the North to South. It's changing here. More like CT now. So think of him as no different from you cause he isn't. Just has a nice tan. Love Phillipa
Posted by llrrrpp on August 5, 2006, at 17:48:36
In reply to Re: I just got a little boost, posted by Phillipa on August 4, 2006, at 11:18:41
seriously!
youre all too nice. i just dont get it. i thought my coworker looked uncomfortable because he was offended. maybe he just wasnt used to talking openly about such things and was caught off guard.anyways racer, you are good with your salad. you have made a habit of eating regularly. something with nutrients. bravo. and your personality has no weight, and its absolutely lovely, so dont disparage racer. you can disparage your real name if you wanna, but racer is absolutely weightless. as is phillipa and llrrrpp. we are pure. i guess?
phillipa, i wish i could reprogram my racist mind. i automatically activate my stereotpes, and can only overcome them with a lot of conscious control. can i borrow your harddrive sometime? i wish i had your experience in CT growing up, instead of the south...
-ll
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