Posted by Racer on August 4, 2006, at 1:09:33
In reply to feeling pretty uncomfortable now, posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 15:21:23
> 2) I didn't make him dislike me despite my candor about race relations in the US. I stand out among many people he's worked with.
You said that Curt nearly made you cry by being nice? I'll try to avoid that by being mean to you.
Lurpsie, have you considered that maybe you stand out as a good coworker BECAUSE of your candor about race relations in the US?
lol Honestly -- think about this guy's experience: he's got to hide, in a way, his own experience of the world. You offered him an opportunity to be candid about something he probably can't talk about very often. And you listened and learned and treated what he said with respect.
Wow, what a lousy coworker!
It's funny, tonight in Group, I told about a woman I study with, and something that happened that I feel bad about. I'd been skipping lunch, but with the stress of this class I've started bringing a salad to eat at lunchtime. The other day, she said something like, "Racer, you're always so good with your little salad." And then said something unkind about her own weight, and her mother eating when she was upset, and I did tell her that my mother was so afraid of gaining weight that she never had anything in the house to eat that didn't need to be cooked for a long time -- but I didn't tell her that my "good" salad was actually very bad, that I have an eating disorder, and that I feel like a loser for eating at all, for not being able to keep thinking without something to eat during the day. I'm betting that she might have felt better, knowing that I wasn't just really good about eating -- that I was really bad about eating, in fact, so bad that I'm eating *disordered.* And I would have been relieved to be able to say something, but I'm so ashamed of it. I couldn't possibly talk about it, tell people that it's why it looks as though I'm a healthy eater, or why I shrug off comments on how "slender" I am -- I've gained more than 40 pounds, fer cryin' out loud!
I'm betting your former coworker feels similar in a lot of ways. He obviously can't hide his race, but I'll bet he wishes frequently that he could TELL someone what it's like to be inside him, to TELL someone what his experience is like. He can't tell other Blacks, because that just turns into "Well, but this happened to me..." He probably doesn't have a lot of whites he can talk to candidly -- think about how many people you know who would be so uncomfortable with the whiff of racism that they'd cut him off, invalidate his experience.
Lurp, I'm betting you really are every bit as awesome as he said you are. And that it was a great benefit of his employment for you to have been part of it.
I hope that helps. And that I wasn't too mean to you...
poster:Racer
thread:672321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060725/msgs/673519.html