Posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 15:21:23
In reply to I just got a little boost, posted by llrrrpp on July 31, 2006, at 14:29:22
seriously feeling a lot of anxiety something.
very confusing emotion.I think it's cognitive dissonance. That is, that the world is telling me one thing [former co-worker's email] and my insides are telling me something else [you're racist and ugly/difficult/unpleasant to work with/etc].
Now I have to reconcile these two opposing world views.
1) i can deflect the compliment
2) i can absorb the complimentproblems 1) if I deflect the compliment, I am rejecting something from someone I value. I am throwing his words away, as if they were garbage. Actually I respect this guy. He is smart, talented, kind and very professional.
2) If i absorb the compliment I have to rewrite an internal script. I'm a good coworker. I didn't make him dislike me despite my candor about race relations in the US. I stand out among many people he's worked with. I'm supportive, and "awesome".I guess I'll go with option 2. I just wish it were easier. I *want* to believe that I'm crap, but I *think* maybe he's right, at least in his experience of working with me. want in one hand. think in the other. feel = anxious. uncertain. not happy. yuck
poster:llrrrpp
thread:672321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060725/msgs/672335.html