Posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 17:53:53
In reply to Re: figuring things out..., posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2014, at 18:31:43
mother.
spent about 40 minutes talking to her on the phone. brought back a lot of memories. how her anxiety is expected (by her) to rule everything (especially me). other people are... her mechanism of emotional regulation. the only one she's prepared to look at.
e.g., she'll say this stuff about how she's so anxious she gets stuck into her hands in the evenings. tearing at the skin / nails with her teeth. which she does. which i also used to do. as a kid. i suggested she do something like knitting and she was like 'no'. like there is this anxiety demon in her and all there is to be done is for her to succumb to it and let it tear her hands apart in the evening.
unless of course good kid wants to be good kid and come snuggle up in bed with mother regulating her emotions into a state of calmness...
shudder.
get the hell out of me.
she doesn't want to travel up here... but she really (really really really really really really) wants to see where i live. after talking to her i can just imagine it... her walking around opening drawers to rummage her fingers through. sure she'll ferrett out my tampon box and have a good feel around in there... she simply cannot / will not take the signals to back off.
sometimes she sees them. when i did visit her and we went out shopping and she was ooing and aahing about how luxurious the public bathroom was. i was visibly embarrassed since everyone was staring at her. here's the thing: when she notices the embarrassement she pushes still further. like with her hands, i guess, when the skin starts to tear and the pain starts and the blood starts... you kind of get excited about it all, that's what it is about really, now's when the fun really starts. the fun really starting was always: her upsetting me. i'm upset. now she's excited. victorious. what will alex do? right from when i was a kid ffs. ffs. ffs.. bitch. i hate her so.
it isn't anywhere near so bad now i'm older and so is she. people probably just imagine i'm a carer for some demented woman. in fact... i can see it in their faces. that that is their response. it isn't like they are other 10 year old kids. or 12 years old... or the stepford wife-y other mothers who were sure to keep themselves / and their kids the hell away from her/me. they didn't assume that when i was a child.
i was like 'it's a public bathroom, mother. most people are concerned to get out of them as soon as possible'. and she looks at me with big eyes and pretend stupidity 'why?' waiting for me to have to say something in public that nobody likes to say. all ready to fill her drink bottle from the warm tap in the handwasing basin (there are plenty of cold fountains round the rest of the mall). 'because you don't know what people have been doing in here, mother, and there is an awful lot of through traffic'. victory.
she's not coming to where i live. never. she'll ruin it.
i really don't like her at all.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140312/msgs/1064538.html