Posted by alexandra_k on May 10, 2014, at 17:34:55
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2014, at 0:32:52
The equations are getting easier. I remember physics guy saying last summer that things typically come together for people a couple weeks in and I was like 'yeah, right'. But things feel like they are coming together for me. It really is about pattern recognition. Here is the form for this sort of equation. Then you plug the values into the relevant places and your answer chugs out. Lots of little traps for the unwary, of course. To round or not to round. And so on. But getting it, I am. Then the next style or type of problem is just a permutation, really. A minor variation. An additional step or so. Keeping track of what you know and what you don't know helps you sort the steps in between. Chemistry really does... Make sense. I hope physics turns out similarly next semester. For now... My biggest worry is whether I can do the calculations in the time allowed - the actual hard bit - within the amount of white space we are given.
I've found a spot in the library that is good for a couple hours study on the weekend. It is nice... Pleasant view of the road etc. It really is good for me to get out...
Realising just how... Unfocused... A lot of people are. People throwing tantrums in libraries of all places that I won't acknowledge their presence despite their rustling and fidgeting and tapping. Realising how... It really is because I'm female. Last lecture a couple guys blocked me in by blocking isles to my row and the one before (you really do get caught by ponytail flippers with how close the rows are). And I realised... Both of them... Other people just leave them alone. They don't try and get them interested in conversations about inter-hall residence games people are playing which involves them turning up to class in fancy dress or whatever... The difference? One of them is a big guy. Gym big. Nobody bothers him trying to make smalltalk. He isn't even glaring at people. The other one is... Just a regular looking guy. Slightly geeky / shy. In an almost artsy way. It is just that I'm a girl so I'm supposed to be tuned in to stopping whatever it is that I'm doing on call and focusing in on paying attention to others and making them feel okay. And the fact that I'm not... Induces tantrums. Of the... And now I'm going to escalate and not let her get any work done at all variety. Or of the... Lets have conversations with other people in a big loud voice about that anti-social girl over there. I mean what is wrong with her and what is her problem? Ugh. People... Ugh.
There is a Jacob's ladder in the gym. In a corner. Nobody uses it. Because it is really very hard work indeed. It seems to... Gas you. Completely. As in... Total systems failure. Not breathing particularly hard, that isn't it. Not the muscular burn you get from something like spin. But a... muscular ache. Hard to explain... It just... Total fatigue. So... When I can't get a barbell... Or when a bunch of jerks arrive yapping about their protein powder... Progressively crowding me in their efforts for me to pay attention to them and be impressed... If I don't feel inclined to start mock staggering around with the barbell overhead fairly obviously threatening to drop it on them if they get too close and I just give up that they have ruined things for me since I can't properly commit to the lift because I can't safely fail / drop the bar without fear of it rebounding off of them back onto me... For the days when the cardio room is nearly empty and the first person to race in takes the machine right next to me so my sweat literally flings on them (I know - right??? What do I need to do??? Shower less???) I have that little corner of the world.
It isn't most people... Only some. Only one. One or two. Persistently. Wherever it is that I put myself. I really do... Think murderous thoughts about them. Why can't someone teach them to f*ck*ng well leave someone alone when that person obviously isn't f*ck*ng interested in paying attention to them. I just don't get it.
It makes me feel very cross that big guys are treated differently. But notice it, I do... Notice it in busy unfocused gyms. How people give the big guys their personal space... Or the Very Strong guys. Not always... But often... People will give a wide berth to people who are squatting or deadlifting or benching a Really Very Large amount of weight. Even if those guys are smaller. And these people are given more space without their glaring or growling for it. Some of these guys can be fairly smily and friendly even but that doesn't result in the puppies falling over their feet... But because I'm a girl people think nothing of setting up within a few feet of me or walking within a few feet of me before I make a lift or whatever. And even usual rules of ettiqutte don't seem to apply (e.g., guys that I would think would be guys to hold a door politely for anyone - especially a girl) are really very impolite about barging into whatever equipment they want and hogging it. And a bunch of bigger guys... Just honestly walk about totally oblivious to others need / desire for personal space. Just expecting everyone will get out of their way...
The gym has made me bolder when it comes to person-person collisions. I remember being panicked on the streets of sydney before that I had to defer to everyone because the cost to me of being nudged and falling was so much greater. Now... I can throw my body about into the ground... And it's okay. However big that person is... They aren't harder than the round. If we collide so be it. Won't even hurt. I can accommodate the deflection. So I can play convincing chicken. Becuase ready for the impact / collision I am. And I know it will occur only once. Bring it on. And then you have groups of guys... Set up in the rack just behind me (there are other racks) then set up their yappy tea party between sets in the bench just in front of me (there are other benches). Sit themselves around 1 1/2 meters in front of me just before I'm about to make a lift. Disrespectful. That is what it is. I pretend to nearly lose it on them and they get me looming over. That usually gets them out the way quick-smart. People... Gross... Gross... Gross...
And all this is because... People simply can't handle the fact that yes, I'm a girl. ANd yet my purpose on earth is f*ck*ng well not to pay attention to you on demand.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140502/msgs/1065455.html