Posted by Damos on May 23, 2005, at 18:25:19
In reply to Re: interesting weekend... long » Damos, posted by sunny10 on May 23, 2005, at 10:42:15
First thing I want to say Sunny is 'Thank you'. Thank you for being so frank and open with me and trusting me with your feelings and fears, it means a lot.
> Being a good conversationalist starts with knowing the person you're speaking to, right?
Actually I think it starts with listening. Really listening with your whole being. Not just to the words, but to the facial expressions the tone of the voice, the body language - the whole of the communication. It's about listening without resistance or imposition. It's about respect and awareness of the integrity of the other persons possition and the impossibility of understanding it fully. It's about suspending your assumptions, judgements and certainty about what's being said. It's about speaking the truth of what one really is and thinks. Oops preaching again. Listening is not just waiting for your next chance to speak. And it is all these things that allow you to get to know the other person. What's that old saying; "Listen and learn". See my roommate doesn't listen - not really, hence the problem. Don't get me wrong I'm not blameless here, not by a long shot, but in this particular case I'm just choosing not to play a particular game and role anymore.
You see what I mean. In your example he wasn't REALLY listening. He heard the words "can you be hear and do that at this time?" And responded accordingly. I do it with my roommate, by not looking at her when she's talking to me and a whole bunch of other stuff which really p*sses her off. Curiously I don't even consider doing things like that with people that I have an emotion bond with.
Can you please explain 'giddy' to me as I'm not really getting what you mean. I kinda think I do, but I'm just not sure.
Now for the geography incident. Fist I don't blame you for running. In your place I probably would have done the same. I don't understand how he got so worked up over such a non-issue. It's probably similar to my roommate asking to explain sports to her. She asks the same questions over and over again and trust me compared to comparative geography there's no comparison, and I just answer them over and over again. I aske question to clarify whether it's exactly the same question or whether there is some new nuance. Is it annoying when you're trying ot watch - yes, but I understand that for someone who genuinely has no understanding of the particular game it's like learning differential calculus. So I patiently explain. If someone is saying I don't understand, please explain it to me, chances are they don't understand. Some people just don;t like being questioned in any way by anyone. Everyone is just expected to know what they mean because no-one could explain it better. Do some people ask questions badly - yep. There is one woman here who asks every question with an accusatory tone and knows she does it and doesn't care. But it doesn't mean the rest of us have to get into a fight with her every time she asks a question. It's just her so we get over it.
Sunny, I'm not gonna get into the come back bit, becuae only you can judge what happened there. But I will say he has massive anger management problems and given the way this escalated I don't know that in your place I could ever feel 'safe'. As for "WE" need to lear to communicate better, it sounds as though you did a pretty good job of staying calm and controlled in the situation. It's impossible to communicate with someone who's first response to stuff is anger and aggression. BTW my roommates first response to anything that isn't going as planned is to attack, and in all honesty I just shut up shop and ride out the storm. So I understand.
There are a thousand things they can do before attack and threaten and abuse but they don't and they think being all peachy pie later on when they're feeling okay again is enough. There is no REAL acceptance and acknowledgement of the impact on us. I note with interest that of his stuff is WE this and we that, not ME, and that he spins everything back onto you eventually too. This worries my Sunny, it really does. And using the missunderstanding about the surgery as an excuse for all that followed - well I've got to say it's stretching it. And when have you ever treated him like dirt?
I'm really glad you had a good time at the concert, but sorry the demon bit you on the butt at the end of it. It's gotta be hard but I can understand it as the other episode ahs given you a new buch of triggers that you didn't have before and they are all hyper sensitive because of the association with the potential for violence.
Please don't hate yourself Sunny. As I've said many times, in your shoes I don't know what I'd be doing and feeling. You need to accept that your need to feel safe does not and will never make you a bad person. A bad thing happened and you are taking what you believe to be the necessary steps to protect yourself.
You might want to get a copy of
"Difficult Conversations" it's really good and is all about why conversations go wrong.
> I don't know how to begin trusting again. But I know I can't live not trusting anyone for the rest of my life. I'm just not hard-wired that way. It's not who I AM. It's not who I'm comfortable having become.I remember reading somewhere that it's impossible to know how to trust "just right" and that all we can do is to make agreements and "call" people when they break them and then re-negotiate or walk away. We can but try.
Love ya Sunny, wish I could give you a huge hug IRL to get you through, lord know I need one myself right now. Just know I'm with you all the way okay.
Damos
poster:Damos
thread:496008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/501876.html