Posted by sunny10 on May 20, 2005, at 13:37:08
In reply to Re: Waiting, Waiting........ » sunny10, posted by Damos on May 19, 2005, at 18:21:11
Brave is not a word that applies here...
stupid might
self-protective might
optimistic might
pessimistic might
analytical might
paranoid might
emotional might
loving might
non-loving mightbut brave doesn't apply...
It MIGHT apply on June 15th... if I have to end the relationship.
You mentioned that therapy wouldn't be an option for you. Would you please read my last post to Dinah about men and respond to it? I'm asking because you mention not being comfortable about feelings and I really want your biased response. Funny favor to ask, isn't it? A biased response?
Yes, last pattern stuff and familiarity sound so much like me, too, that it's scary. I don't WANT to be that person. And I especially don't want to attract the "same" lover over and over. And, yes, I am concerned about having done that with my SO which is why I am trying to "answer to" my paranoia. But I will try the "do anything I can to "not listen". Although I think it's important to me that you understand that I ordered the drug test kit because he deceived me in the past about his use. It is the only thing that I know he lied to me about.
Chemical abusers get out of control and have physically harmed me- and have harmed millions of other people in the world! AND how do you build a future with someone who may overdose the next time they decide to "let go"? They continue to take that chance because "that would never happen to me" is their mantra!
I would like, more than anything, to be wrong. To have that test come back negative. Being able to trust again would be much easier. Because he will have proven himself trustworthy. I will know that I can trust his word- and I don't know that right now. Especially ever since the strangling episode. Experiencing that forced me to "do I really know this person" mode. It forced me to find out whether he needs to deal with his issues to go back to the man I used to know, or if I was always wrong about him. It became imperative to my physical wellbeing as well as my happiness.
Maybe I want to believe desperately in our love. Yes, yes I DO want to believe in our love. But I don't have a great track record of dealing with these things on an emotional level. So this time I am going with the intellectual and logical level.
I got the impression that you feel the drug testing is an invasion of my SO's privacy. If I am projecting here, forgive me, but I must answer this as well.
Committing to a relationship with me in which there would be no drug use takes away the privacy issue. He may not "privately" indulge because he promised me that he wouldn't. And I caught him deceiving me in the past, after which he reiterated that promise to not do anymore drugs. And I asked him if he is doing drugs again now that we do not live together and he said no. I am less testing his drug use than I am testing whether or not he is being truthful.
When I give my word and break it, I expect to need to prove my innocence next time. It is part of making amends to the person I've injured.
-sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:496008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/500372.html