Posted by Damos on May 23, 2005, at 2:11:23
In reply to Re: long........ » sunny10, posted by Damos on May 22, 2005, at 17:50:22
Hi Sunny,
Let's try again. Having re-read your note a few times now and thought about me and my situations, I have to agree in general with what you said. Also have to say I might go out and buy the book too - can't hurt surely.
I have definitely found that as I have worked on me and how I relate to others, the way they relate to me has changed too. But my proviso - and it's a big one, is that in a 'relationship' both parties have to want to genuinely move things forward. You need to be prepared for the other person to be playing along hoping you'll "snap out of it" soon. You know, the "I'll just humour them for a bit" thing. Personally the relationships I've created in the last couple of years since I've really started to work on me in a conscious way have been significantly better and the old patterns seem to be starting to fall away - slowly. Still there but I can see them now before I stumble into them. The hard part is to change in ways that are true to who you are and how you want to be and that don't compromise you or manipulate the other person in anyway. The biggest problem comes when the other person doesn't want to and sees no reason to change. You know, "this is who I am and if you've got a problem with it then that's your problem." Or they believe that talking the talk is enough. All we can do is provide the opportunity for change within the relationship and take the responsibility for changing ourselves in ways we believe are necessary. I can say that my relationship with my housemate is shot to h*ll and has no hope of redemption for all sorts of reasons, part of which is my growing as a person and them not wanting me to.
As a bloke I can honestly say that the term "emotional intimacy" doesn't mean a lot to me, so there's not much point expecting it or asking for it, and that's really only because it's not something boys/men are brought up doing. Because of this sometimes it's not that we don't want to be "x" we just don't understand what the h*ll "x" is in the language of our experience, and sometimes you're just too damn subtle for us. Like anything, learning to talk about ourselves and our feelings is a steep learning curve and not a comfortable one because we feel clumsy and awkward and incredibly at risk doing it. Not having the words to explain the things doesn't help either and this is not uncommon because we're not used to using that language. That's why I struggle here sometimes and don't respond to threads I want to - I just don't have the words to communicate what's inside. I think if you are in an honest relationship with what Stephen Covey would call and good balance in your "emotional bank account" it could work and work well. If however, you're in a relationship where one party is well and truly overdrawn on the account and there is low - no trust there is a problem, as there is if the other person doesn't acknowledge with genuineness and sincerity that there even is a problem. I think I said it before it's not only that the person knows that what they're doing will hurt you, but that knowing this they still did it anyway, i.e. didn't care enough not to. This doesn't even cover knew it, did it, lied about it, and aren't really sorry for anything other than the disruption to normal programming.
Like you I am giulty of letting people walk all over me for way too long and it's hard to unlearn that. People who we've allowed to do it also tend not to take us seriously when we do either. But we have to try to be what we want to be and have the relationships we want to have and people have to be willing to grow with us or go cause we don't choose to be that person anymore.
My newest friends are ones that I am growing with some I've whom I 've 'known' for a long time but am actually just really getting to know.
We can but try.
poster:Damos
thread:496008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/501557.html