Posted by KaraS on March 1, 2005, at 16:09:22
In reply to Re: Kara, my turn. How you are doing? » KaraS, posted by TamaraJ on March 1, 2005, at 11:04:21
Hi,
> >
> -- I know what you mean. My hormones have been crazy lately. It is the second cycle I have had in a month (yet again). When that happens, my mood and energy really take a nosedive. I slept and slept and slept yesterday, which is so unlike me. When I feel like this, I know I am not ready to go back to work. I can't even take care of myself when I am like this. I had so hoped that I would have some energy to start doing some things like exercising, etc. so I would be ready for work. But, I know I am of no use to anyone right now. I sent an e-mail to my pdoc. I told him that I don't even have the emotional or physical fortitude right now to come in for an appointment and that I would even be willing to re-try the Anafranil to see if I can get up to 75 mg. I can't go on like this much longer. And, it is time I was completely honest with people about the depth of the depression. I have tried to be upbeat and have people believe that I am just mildly depressed, but I am not doing myself any favors by doing that. I hope the pdoc calls me back today. He may, however, be fed up with me. And, what's so hard is that I don't even have a family doctor that I can go to. Whine! Whine! Whine! Sorry Kara, you didn't need to hear all that. I apologize.
> >Don't apologize for ranting. I've done my share here. We have good reason to rant! We're having a really hard time and we need to vent. It's better to do so with people who understand and are going through the same thing. Are you convinced that hormones are invovled? Is there any bipoloarity in your family? There is none in mine though my pdoc thinks I may be "soft bipolar". I don't have mood swings but I get periods of more agitation. I don't know if it's hormonal or a soft bipolar condition. I think I'm going to try taking some of the lithium orotate later on and see if that helps me at all.
But back to you and your work situation, I think you're wise to acknowledge that you're not ready. I'm so sorry to hear that though. I know how hard it must be for you to admit that to yourself and to your supervisor. You would only make things worse if you tried to push yourself. You really had no other choice. Depression and anxiety are so hard to deal with. With any other condition, you have some tools to work with. With depression/anxiety, we don't even have the energy for a fight. It's the hardest thing to deal with. I wish your doctor would let you try nortriptyline. I don't understand why he's so against it. It's not a dangerous, on the edge kind of a choice.
> -- It's good that your friend has maintained a positive outlook throughout all of this. And, she's lucky that her broker has a lot of integrity. I agree with you - we have to look for the good in people. Life would just be too hard to take if we couldn't find good in at least some people. But, there are good, honest and caring people out there. So, that makes it all worthwhile.
My pdoc is another really good person. In fact I think he's a saint. He talks to me on the phone, advises and prescribes for me without charging me because he knows I don't have any money. He is willing to listen to my input and doesn't talk down to me when I suggest things. I don't know where I'd be right now if he hadn't been there to prescribe for me immediately when I was so incapacitated with anxiety (and this after seeing him once in the last year). I keep trying to think of something I could do for him or a gift I could give him for being so kind to me. With all of the money grubbers out there, it sure is nice to know that there are also some saints.
> -- That's the attitude :-) What is that expression - the universe unfolds as it should (?) My fingers, toes, legs and even my eyes are crossed for you guys!
Thanks so much. I think it's only a matter of time even if the current offer doesn't work out.
> -- That's the way I feel too. I got my dog from the Humane Society, and it was heartbreaking to see all those dogs in cages needing homes. Luckily, my dog had only been there for a few days when I got her, so she didn't seem any the worse for wear after her experience. I wish I had a farm and then I could take them all home with me and they could be safe and happy. I wish more people would get their pets from the Humane Society instead of going to breeders and pet stores. It's sad.I know. I wish I had a house big enough to adopt all of the animals who needed a good home (not to mention the funds to take care of them). I wish they'd shut down those breeders and the pet store sales and force people to adopt animals who are already here and need homes. But I can't think about this for too long. It's too upsetting and it doesn't do me or the animals up for adoption any good.
> -- I just can't imagine how hard it must be to live with CFS. My heart goes out to you. A friend of mine has CFS, and it has been really hard on him. He was always so active - a real workaholic. He has adjusted to it, but it took a number of years before he was able to accept and adjust to his limitations. I'm glad for you that you didn't experience a flare up of your CFS symptoms during the most recent period of extreme anxiety. Thank goodness. The anxiety alone is enough!
The CFS isn't a big deal in my life now. It doesn't occur often enough and I can usually prevent it by not letting myself get run down. It was h*llish for a while there though. I wish I had known that it would get better when I was initially going through it. That would have helped immensely - but fortunately it's not a huge problem now.
> -- I just feel drained. And, as for quitting smoking, maybe what I have to do to begin with is try to cut down. That hasn't always been the most effective approach for me, but I will try. I didn't take any Provigil yesterday or today, and I don't have a piercing headache or any nausea. I will probably try the Provigil again tomorrow to see how I react. Maybe it's just not for me. Bummer. The headache I could handle, but the nausea was gutwrenching (a real burning sensation and like I was constantly going to throw up - yuk). Oh well. There has to be something out there that will help me. Seems like both of us are having a heck of a time finding not only a med that works, but also one that we can tolerate. How's the Zoloft titration going? Have you been able to tolerate increasing the dose even modestly? Any more thought to trying a different AD? And, have you been able to keep the anxiety under control a bit more lately? It is amazing how much anxiety can exacerbate depression, isn't it? Well, I will keep thinking positive thoughts that you can begin to tolerate a closer to therapeutic dose of the Zoloft or that you find a more suitable and tolerable AD.
If you do cut back now, do it very gradually. You don't need any more anxiety than you have right now. As for the Provigil, the nausea and headache sound horrible. I don't know whether it will pass if you manage to take it longer. I guess only you can decide if you can stand to continue on it. I often read about people (on the main board) who have been close to discontinuing something but managed to persevere and work through the initial side effects and were glad that they did. OTOH, there are no guarantees that it will work or the side effects will diminish. Just wish we had a way of knowing!
I stopped taking the Zoloft. I may try it again soon though. It was making me too anxious at a time when my anxiety wasn't yet under control. I also had only a mild antidepressant effect from it previously so I'm not expecting much from it anyway. In the past it has calmed the anxiety and allowed me to work (though I still couldn't keep my apartment clean and in order.) I was hoping for that now. Even with the Effexor, it helped somewhat with mood but left me apathetic and unable to take care of my apartment or push myself to find a job. I was just hoping to get on one of these drugs and control the anxiety and provide some functioning while I tried to figure out what else to do. It was a big surprise that I haven't been able to tolerate either of these meds or the maprotiline that I've used so much in the past. It felt like I was losing ground rather than moving forward and that was really scary. I'm sure you understand because you're having a hard time tolerating meds.
Right now I'm on only 25 mg. of doxepin and it is really getting the anxiety under control. The agoraphobia is almost gone as well as the panic. This med worked wonders for me years ago in a similar situation and it is doing so again now. My doctor said that I could increase the doxepin instead of trying to get onto the Zoloft. I am considering it but at the higher dosages come the side effects and the serious impairment of cognition. At the moment I think I'm going to try to stay on this small dosage and add more exercise, the tapping, lightbox (been using it every morning for about a week now), vitamin D, increase fish oil, utilize CBT, meditation with visualization, aroma therapy and even more of the reiki. I'm also going to try to get into a support group, get formal CBT training and get an idividual therapist. I may also try that CES device if I can get a prescription for it. If all of this doesn't work or I'm not able to do it all then I may try an MAOI or maybe the selegiline patch which will hopefully be on the market soon. I don't have the energy yet to do all of these things at once but I'm finding that it's getting easier to start doing some things and so I'm hoping that the rest will follow. I want to find something(s) that will give a complete response - not just allow some mood lift. I want energy, motivation and drive!!!
Back to you...you had some success in the past with amino acids, didn't you? Have you tried tryptophan? Dr. Slagle has a program where you use the tryptophan at night and the tyrosine during the day. Or perhaps a new pdoc might be willing to prescribe nortriptyline for you. A lot of people find it very easy to tolerate. It's less likely (as you know) to give you the blood pressure problems like clomipramine did. Would you ever consider an MAOI? (I know your current pdoc would never go for it.) Who knows, maybe this healer/doctor you're going to see this month may be able to help you.
I know we'll figure this out eventually. It may take a little more time than we hoped though.
Hang in there. You'll get through this!
Kara
poster:KaraS
thread:456548
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050224/msgs/465049.html