Posted by Angel Girl on January 22, 2005, at 11:40:42
Disclaimer: It is not my intention to offend anybody or lead others to feel put down by this post and if that should happen, I sincerely apologize.
I don't think I can stay on PB any longer. I have had a LONG week to reflect on what has happened and with each passing day, my initial feelings have not changed.
I have not been able to sleep well and I've cried endlessly. I feel extremely traumatized by what happened to me on the Admin board.
I have e-mailed Dr. Bob several times and I have told him how I feel and what I needed from him to feel any better, all to no avail.
Replacing the first letter of that *evil* word with an asterisk has not lead me to feel any differently. I think everyone here is smart enough to still know what that *evil* word is, even without the first letter being present.
I do appreciate the very kind efforts of several posters, who have supported me by asking that the word be changed from it's *short-form* back to the entire word and/or by trying to archive the board. Unfortunately, in spite of your very good intentions, neither one of those options would have helped me to feel any better either. Lots of people, including myself read the archives and the word in it's entirety would been equally upsetting to me.
I deeply regret that several posters have received either a PBC or a block for supporting me.
I have tried endlessly to convince Dr. Bob of the depth of my feelings and have begged and pleaded with him to remove *that* short-form and to not replace it with anything else. As you can see, that has not happened.
I was blocked because I called the actions of another poster insensitive. To make it clear, I did not call the poster insensitive but only the actions. I felt and still do, that this poster payed extremely little *concern* for my feelings but instead continued on with the subject of the thread, leading me to feel even further traumatized than I already was. I felt that my feelings were being swept aside and deemed unimportant, and it was more urgent to discuss the topic of the thread instead. I'm not stating that is how he felt but that is how I interpreted it, not only at the time but still do today. It upsets me even further to see this same poster say that he wants to put everything behind him. I'm glad that is so easy for him to do. Unfortunately for me, it is not. Every waking minute, I think about *that* word beside my name on the subject title and it sickens me. It is irrelevant to me whether he meant any offense by it or not, the end result for me is the same.
I also don't understand when a poster who feels as traumatized as I do by the actions of another poster can go unpunished for what their actions were, intentional or not and then for that poster to ask *me* if I was apologizing to them. Dr. Bob told me that he has made his decision of what action was taken regarding myself and this other poster, for the safety of the whole community, at least that is my understanding.
To be honest, at the time of this all happening and still now, I am holding back and refraining from posting a *lot* of things that I feel, that I know would be considered uncivil at best, so therefore; I can not even fully explain my entire feelings over this.
Due to this situation and the way that it was handled by this other poster and Dr. Bob on the Admin board and in several e-mails between Dr. Bob and myself, I no longer feel safe here. This was the one and *only* place on the net that I felt that I could come to, to feel understood, get support and attempt to offer it back to other posters in return. I no longer feel that way.
I don't know how to convey the depths of how traumatized over this I am. I spend every waking minute thinking about it, crying and unable to get the support that I desperately needed and still do because I was blocked from my only source of doing so. My therapist is on vacation for several weeks and I have absolutely nobody else to which I can turn.
I think it is a known fact here, that I do not handle stress very well, and certainly not in a manner that is very appropriate. I have found that I have had to take Xanax each and every day, even immediately upon awaking because what happened on Admin completely engulfs my every thought. I've taken far more Xanax, than I'm sure would make any of my doctors happy but at this point without support, it's the only thing that has helped me to deal with the tremendous amount of emotional/mental pain that I continue to feel each and every day.
I do want to take a minute to thank a number of posters who have supported me on the Admin board and via Babblemail before I was blocked. I hope I don't forget anyone because it is certainly not intentional and if I have, I deeply apologize. In no particular order, they are coral, toph, TofuEmmy, gabbix, atticus, Nikki, gardengirl, MKB (who is never returning), and fallen. You'll never know how much the support y'all have shown me has meant to me. Blessings to each and every one of you.
fallen sweetie, I was going to try to be strong for you but since that *evil* word is still beside my name, I don't have it in me. I'm sorry, I know I'm letting you down and that in itself saddens me.
I hope those that showed me support via babble-mail, know that I was unable to respond to them due to my block. Receiving that block was a total shock to me to say the least. I feel it has only added insult to injury.
After considerable thought, I feel I can no longer stay in an environment that leads me to continually feel traumatized, with apparently very little empathy for my feelings. Had *that* word been removed, when I begged and pleaded with Dr. Bob in e-mail, maybe I could feel differently, but at the time of writing this post, there it still sits in all it's evil glory to continue to intensify my feelings, as I feel compelled to look several times a day, in hopes that Dr. Bob could understand what this has done and continues to do to me and has the compassion and empathy for me to remove it.
I fail to understand how leaving *that* word is for the betterment of the community at large and I also will never understand how the poster who put it there, regardless of intention, goes completely unpunished, without even a PBC, given the effect it is having on me.
Another reason that I feel I can not stay here is because I obviously don't have the wisdom to understand the PB rules and guidelines and I'm sure that I have probably broken a few in this post. It is certainly not my intention but this is the only way that I know how to express myself, even with holding back *far* more that I wish I could say. I also feel, that this post may be brought to Dr. Bob's attention as being uncivil and that I will be given another block, which will lead me to feel even more hurt, offended, put down and traumatized. It won't matter anyway, as I've already stated that I no longer feel safe being here and it's already been proven that my feelings are a contradiction by what is deemed better for the PB community.
The fact that I no longer feel safe here, is in fact, furthering to traumatize me because as I said, this is the *only* place on the net where I felt safe. Finding PB was a Godsend for me. Now, there is nowhere else for me to go. Once again, I feel that there is nowhere in society that I belong. I feel very isolated and alone, where my feelings stand for nothing.
I will miss y'all more than words can say and I thank you for welcoming me into your community, understanding me, supporting me and giving me a hug when I so very much needed it. Now, I feel that I will have to draw on my own devices for that, and I haven't reached that level in my recovery yet. I will also very much miss lending whatever support that I may have been able to give other posters while I've been here.
With deep regret, this is probably the last post I will ever make. If it is reported to Dr. Bob, I will not defend my words. They are my feelings without intended malice, for whatever they're worth, which I feel is not very much here. That, I feel has already been proven to me.
My decision to leave pains me greatly but I can not stay in what I *thought* was supposed to be a safe environment but in fact is not because Dr. Bob finds it necessary to leave *that* word beside my name on Admin.
I feel so traumatized and that my feelings contradict what is better for the PB community as a whole, something I will never understand.
I will miss the good that I have found here but for my own mental and emotional well-being, I feel I must go. For that, I am so deeply saddened. My depression has taken a far deeper plunge and I now reside in the *black hole* once again. I will withdraw further within myself, as to not allow further opportunity for more hurt feelings to penetrate my soul.
Thanks again for all the goodness that I have received here. I wish you all well and I hope y'all find good health and the happiness and peace that you are all striving for and so very much deserve. Y'all will be in my prayers. Please take care of yourselves. I will miss y'all more than you will know. I feel so lost and alone already. I also feel that something that has been very important to me is being ripped away from me. I'm sooooo depressed over this.
May God bless you all.
With deep regret, good-bye,
An extremely depressed and traumatized Angel Girl :(
PS: Can somebody please explain to me why it is so important to leave that *evil* word beside my name? No words can really explain how traumatized I am by this.Again, I sincerely apologize if I have hurt or offended ANYBODY with this post.
poster:Angel Girl
thread:445691
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050116/msgs/445691.html