Posted by noa on October 23, 2003, at 13:23:27
In reply to People's Motivations » Larry Hoover, posted by Susan J on October 23, 2003, at 11:02:15
Susan, I understand wanting to understand the 'whys' of what she does, but I urge you not to put your energy into that. She is that way and was that way before you arrived on the scene and will be that way when you and she are no longer working together someday. She is not going to change.
But you can change the way it affects you by focusing on the 'what' not the 'why'. The 'what' is all the things she does that are uncomfortable for you, and all the things you can do to establish boundaries that will be comfortable enough for you to be able to come to work and do your job without feeling invaded.
It sucks to have to do this, I know. But when people (myself included!!) focus on the 'why' of another person's behavior, I have found that it often is because we somehow feel some responsibility that really isn't ours to own--whether it is "I must have caused this" or "if this is because she has some emotional pain of her own, I will be responsible to help take care of it" or "maybe I am responsible to help her change her personality".
OK, so maybe you left your boundaries a little too open in the beginning. So what. You didn't know she was such an invader. Now that you do know, you can correct the opening. But you didn't cause this. You said in your first message that it was all your fault. Wrong! Yes, you left yourself vulnerable and maybe sent some messages that you wanted her to be a part of your personal life, etc. But you did not cause her to seize on the vulnerability to invade. She does that. It is like having your window open. On a calm day, it feels right. But if the wind gets very powerful and might knock over the vase on the window sill---you close the window. Or the rain starts pouring in, you close the window. If you start to get weather reports that the climate conditions are such that it might be gusty and rainy for a period of time, you will keep the windows closed in anticipation. But if you go on vacation to a different climate where it is calm and mild, it will be ok to keep the windows open all the time. Same with people. You may be someone who tends to keep the windows open, and with many of the people you are around, that is perfectly fine. But not with this one.
Don't blame yourself. Don't get too involved in analyzing her beyond analyzing what will work to protect your boundaries.
Good luck.
PS--I don't know how big a place it is, but is there a human resources dept. in your company? Some kind of ombudsman who can help you with this?
poster:noa
thread:271851
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031020/msgs/272332.html