Posted by wendy b. on May 16, 2002, at 13:44:19
In reply to Back To Basics On Sex (sort of personal ), posted by NancyLee on May 15, 2002, at 7:47:32
Sorry everyone,
I have been wanting to respond to these posts, but running around a bit (music concert for my daughter last night, teaching this a.m.)
Anyway, yes, I think it's great to pose these questions about sex and sexuality on the P-Babble board, it's very important. I think we need to be open, honest, and frank, use the language that makes sense, and obviously try not to offend others. So far, so good. But you know me, KKat, I swear a lot, too!
So in general, it's been a male posting on the Board (sorry, guys), who's about to go nuts, and is asking for advice, because he can't come on these drugs... especially the SSRI's. Almost any man I've ever heard of who takes them says his sex life is misery. Although I went out with a man, a few years back now, who was on Zoloft, and it was GREAT for me, because he could (eh-hem) LAST for a really long time... so, great for those of us who "want a lover with a slow hand," as the Pointer Sisters would say. I just like to take a looonnnggg time when I'm in bed with a man.
Anyway, on to the questions at hand. Nancy, it sounds like you're coming back to life sexually, and that's a great thing! I agree about the nice hotel and the wonderful dinner (with a little wine, not too much, it'll loosen you both up!), and then the goody-bag of sex toys... Massage oil, especially the kind you can swallow (i.e., doesn't taste awful when you need to lick or suck something) is great! Closing the eyes and releasing tension is a great warm-up. BTW, try http://www.adamandeve.com/ for the edible body lotion (recommendations: #3692, Strawberry Jam, and #9052 Juicy Cool Mint Lube, and no, I am not a sales rep for A & E, but it's a great site for all sorts of toys and ideas, and they ship in discreet brown boxes that don't call attention to the fact that you've just been shipped a dildo, or whatever).
I think just RELAXING and taking one's time are the most important things, for you and for Roo, too. Intimacy isn't about rough, hard & fast. It's about lying back and getting to know yourself and your lover. I think the recommendation from Kat to touch yourself in front of your lover is an excellent one. For the lead into this, DO rent "Being There" as Kat suggests... It's probably the best sex scene (no pentration, either) I've ever seen on film. Why? Because it's about female pleasure, and it's also just plain funny. Shirley McLaine is an absolute riot! And a very sexy woman...
More on "Being There:" it's a good video to watch to remind yourselves that it's ok to laugh and have fun in bed. And that you can sort of "back up" to earlier phases of sexual inimacy and have that be ok for now. The movie underlines the fact that every sexual act doesn't have to end in penetration and with fluids squirting. Sorry, guys. Shirley McLaine's character masturbates ecstatically in front of Chauncy Gardiner (Peter Sellers), whose main line throughout the movie is: "I like to watch." This sets Shirley off in a big way...
So, "backing up," or re-learning how to turn each ther on, might be a possibility. Getting to know how to kiss each other might be step number one. Just try necking on the couch. And that's it. No pressure to go further from either partner. Just kiss and play around. Pretend to be two little dogs, or kitties, roll around on the floor and have fun with each other. That's a very good way to get the intimacy going again. Just try to play, like kids in high school.
Roo, from your other posts, which I appreciate your writing, by the way, it's very courageous... you say you have a hard time not pretending to be some Hollywood diva in bed. I understand completely. I have felt that way, too. Like the only thing I could offer to a man in a relationship was great sex, since the rest of me (emotionally speaking) was such a mess. I mean, my hair was ok, and my bod was always pretty terrific, but I was always depressed and unsatisfied and sad. And I know now that I didn't love myself much, or at all sometimes, and that's a huge barrier to real intimacy. So 'pretending' is a real refuge. It's like hiding. So you don't have to show your true self (whatever that is) and risk falling in love, or risk trusting someone with your heart. Cuz if you don't give it to him in the first place, you can't lose it or give it up.
As an aside: I do have a problem with the term "your true self," or "your real self." What we are is really a product of our past, our family upbringing, our culture, its values and mores, etc. Our personalities are informed by these things. And we value glamour to an extent, and that's not a crime... So I don't think pretending to be an actress in bed is necessarily bad. Or pretending to be a mean nun who slaps her man around, that's not bad either. And you don't always have to share with your partner what you are up to, who you're pretending to be. Some like to know, some don't. As long as you are in the moment and pleasing each other, that's the goal...
But Roo's man wants to know what you're up to, and that's actually very nice. Maybe if you shared that image you have of yourself as a vamp - who she is, what she looks like, how she behaves, etc. - he would be more open to what you are doing. Maybe you LIKE to pretend. And that's OK. Say it again: that's OK. However, if you want to drop that because you and he both think it's a facade, or a wall between you, then you should, by all means, try to come up and out of that.
And it's all just a game... If we could see that and try to live that ideal, it would take a lot of the pressure to perform off us, and off our partners. Forced intimacy doesn't lead anywhere, and for Kat, that's something your hub should know. That's not what is going to make you feel turned on. You'll feel more able to respond to him if he courts you, if he takes you to dinner and pours you a glass of wine.
Or how 'bout making dinner FOR you? That's always a turn-on for me, as a single mother who HAS to cook every night, when someone else makes it (or breakfast, too!), I am just pleased as punch that he wants to please me. My therapist says that a man LOVES it when you tell him what you want him to do to please you, because by god, he'll try really hard to do it. She hates making generalizations, too, but she says it's a man thing: give 'im directions, and he'll go down that road. And if he does, and it's what you wanted, you will melt, I guarantee you. And that's what's necessary for good sex - you, the woman, has to feel courted and pleased and melted.
We should keep the conversation going... I love talking about sex (if you haven't noticed...) with real women. I know you can work these things out, if you love each other and take the time.
more anon,
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:23803
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020509/msgs/23854.html