Posted by Wendy B. on October 7, 2001, at 12:27:48
In reply to Re: Bipolar Disorder without Mania-Wendy and Roo, posted by tina on October 7, 2001, at 0:01:57
> Thanks Wendy for the thread. I"m sorry I didn't get back to either of you sooner but I've been preparing for our Canadian thanksgiving this week and I haven't been back to babble in quite a while. But, here I am, unable to sleep so I thought I'd check in.
> Wendy, 3 of the docs were psychiatrists, 1 a social worker and 1 a psychologist. The psychiatrists just prescribed meds and asked me how they made me feel every week. The psychologist was pretty good but she was too expensive for me to keep seeing. The social worker was the first person I ever saw about my panic and anxiety 12 years ago. She was a very hands-on "lets change your life" kind of person. She freaked me out. After a few sessions, she decided that I needed medication and more help than she could give and referred me to a psychiatrist friend of hers. That first psych was a real winner. She fed me meds and every week just sat there, staring at me or writing in her files. Sometimes I though she wasn't even writing about me but was catching up on her paperwork. She never gave me a dx. I didn't ask either because I was so new to mental disorders. I thought I was a total freak. I decided to terminate sessions with her as I believed it was counter-productive and I had a good 5 years of feeling ok. The anxiety was under control and I could hold down a full time job and felt completely normal for 5 whole years. It was amazing really. But, when the anxiety and anger and panic and agression and craziness crept back in, I went to my GP and asked her for yet another referral. She sent me to this asshole-scuse the language-who told me to go out and buy some new clothes and have my hair done and i would feel like a brand new woman. Well, needless to say, I didn't go back to HIM! Still, no dx. Then, I ended up in marriage counselling (I'd rather not go into the whys of that) and it was a husband/wife team. The wife decided that I needed one on one therapy and I enjoyed our sessions but she was just way to expensive and not on a "plan" of any kind. The idea of a dx just never came up. I was seeing her for too short a time.
> The last one was a psychiatrist. She was alright in the beginning. She is the kind of person who likes to tell you to "get over it" though and I'm just not really capable of doing that. She was the one that fed me full of the most meds. She tried lots of them on me. None of which helped. I asked her outright what dx she would give me and she said that it would be impossible to pigeon-hole me into a specific disorder or condition and she would "prefer not to" because she believed that it would just make me "feel worse about myself" Don't know what that means but anyway........
> So, you see, I am without good luck when it comes to therapy. It seems I go through years when I can feel fine, like myself, and then go through years where I am a basket case. There are, of course, the daily "freak outs' like punching holes in walls, throwing laundry baskets out the front door at birds that are making too much noise, tripping over a dog toy and deciding that setting it on fire on the front lawn is the only way to really get rid of it........that kind of thing. then, the ridiculous running, jumping, incessant yapping, no sleep, no eat, gotta do something before my skin flays off days. I'm in them right now. I workout for 2 hours a day. I clean and clean and clean my house. I cook, bake, draw, fidget non-stop, drive everyone around me completely insane and wonder why the hell I am so anxious, nervous just being at home. I pace the halls in the wee hours, I can't stop blinking and I have these ticks......annoying ticks that frustrate me to the point of intense rage episodes where I stare into the mirror holding scissors to the offending ticking area threatening it. Telling IT that I will cut it out if it doesn't stop "misbehaving"
> Some days are intense Wendy, some days are flat.
> Bet you're sorry you asked.
> hugs
> T
> PS, over the years, I have been prescribed:
> Celexa, Paxil, Lithium, Moclobemide, Trazodone, Serzone, Amytriptiline, four different benzos, and a few more things but my memory is swiss cheese from lack of sleep. I am currently only taking a benzo, as needed, and I am not in therapy at all.
>
hi tina,wow. your post knocked me out. i'm not sorry i asked at all. i really feel for your situation. the only thing i'm sorry about is that you feel so badly. it's obvious that it's unhealthy for you to be going through times like these, you're in a serious phase of hypomania... impulse control is gone. at some point, those scissors are going to go through flesh, and you're going to regret it, and maybe you would have been able to avoid it. please please don't ignore this, or think there's no point in trying *again* to get help. there is a point: it's your life we're talking about, and it's worth it, worth it to me, worth it to others here on PSB, worth it to those who love you.
who is with you? husband, boyfriend, children? is there anyone you can talk to at home? a close friend or relative? you need someone you can trust, who'll help you wade through the morass of symptoms, and who'll be your advocate. if there's no one, call a local hotline.
it's TERRIBLE that 5 different therapeutic situations have failed you. obviously, it's going to take a special person or clinic to help you. i'd say your best bet *right now* would be to call the last one you saw, the psychiatrist, and just tell her things have gotten worse.
i don't see depakote, neurontin, lamictal, topamax, etc. on your drug list. there are many many drugs for you to try. they need to be tried in such as way as there are as few in your system at one time as possible. it's hard to tell what's doing what if you're on too many (although i understand people's needs for 'cocktails.') right now, you probably need at least a mood stabilizer, even something as easy to take (few side-effects) as neurontin, 600 mg x 4 per day. i'm sure you'd feel much more able to cope. or else depakote. you've got to get smoothed out, cuz i'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself, from what you're writing. setting fire to the dog's toy because it's tripped you is not behavior that you yourself would call 'normal', as you know, because you say so. cutting your facial skin because the tic won't stop is not normal, and you'll feel worse, i'm sure, if you wind up doing it...
please be careful, and write back. i'm going to keep up with you, and check in on you, but you have to do something, too. and i know it's hard right now, but things will improve, i am absolutely sure.
BIG hug,
wendy
poster:Wendy B.
thread:11562
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011006/msgs/12217.html