Posted by susan C on August 9, 2001, at 10:33:14
In reply to Re: What would you do? Help me. » susan C, posted by Marie1 on August 9, 2001, at 8:23:58
Thank you for your kind words and sharing.
Yes, I too think surviving a suicide is different from someones death. I see 'survior of suicide groups' but I never go.My brother was 18 months older than me, I Idolized him. Truth be told, I think I was in love with him. He was handsome, entertaining, and always on the go. I look back now and remember how he would ignore me, or tease me ( like my older (5years) older brother...but that didnt stop my awe.
We, as a family, couldn't really trace when the problems started with him, though my father and now I think my paternal great grandfather had problems. depression and manic/depression respectively.
We'd watch old movies and mom and dad would comment on how he was always falling down. In college,he came back from a trip to mexico, having been dumped by his girlfriend and taken drugs, MJ, probably, speed, maybe, hash, probably, lsd most likely, and he was a mess. He was in college, a poet, philosopher and writer, into east indian religion, mysticism, starting a rock and roll band, reaching for the stars, one of many experiences I remember where I look back and say, ah, yes, manic. I didn't see him much then, I was off to college and had hooked up with my now spouse.
He was diagnosed as paranoid Schizophrenic with hallucinations of litttle green men that he talked to. I know at one time my parents had him involuntarily committed. He never forgave them for that. This whole time (I figure about 7-8 years between 20 year and 28) it upset my mom so much. At that time, it was considered the mothers fault. My dad, finally 'disowed him' and told him not to come to the house again. Bro went on SSI and lived 80 miles away. We went to see him probably a year before he died. He was talking to himself (having conversations with his little green people) I kept trying to communicate with him that I loved him...My spouse (who had lived with many drug addicts and crazy people) just listened to him. We talk about that visit sometimes and how upset I was, and how I didn't see what was going on. About a year later, my dad died suddenly of brain cancer. Three months later my mom invited my brother home for Christmas. Fortunately, she was not alone. My sister and her boyfriend found him after he had shot himself in the head in the closet.
When my mom sold the house, a couple of years ago, all the deaths had happened long enough ago, we didn't need to disclose them. The last evening, at sunset, my sister, my mother and I walked through and around the empty house with burning dry sage and lighted candles, saying prayers and holding each other and crying. It was a small ritual.
He had kept saying he had lost the ability to love. That he was in so much pain. We all agree he went to somewhere where he can express his love. I was reasured that he knew we loved him. Thank you for holding my hand. I think I have needed to think about this for a while.
-s> Susan,
> My brother killed himself at the age of 32 (4 yrs. ago). I don't think I'll ever get over it, but it comforts me to think that maybe he's happier now. Both my parents were gone by then - my mother in '95, and my dad in '92 (on the same day!!) I'm glad they didn't have to suffer through what we did. I lost another brother recently (natural causes), and I realized the pain of mourning a suicide is different in some ways. It would have killed my parents.
> I'm so sorry about your brother. Were you close in age? Was there any history of mental illness or any forewarning? It's so awful - now I'm the one crying on the keyboard. Hugs to you.
>
>
>
>
>
> > Dear Gracie,
> >
> > I would probably have done the same thing.
> >
> > You don't describe what happened after he started crying. Did you touch him? Will you contact him to let him now know how you feel?
> >
> > Like Greg, I too dont understand your spouse's reaction, except that I too have had mine intercede when I am about to do something that 'will make things worse' and later, begrudgingly, I have appreciated his help.
> >
> > Has he cried about the loss of your brother?
> >
> > When you were describing the scene with your dad, I imagined my dad across the table from me.
> >
> > You see, my dad died of cancer three months before my brother suicided. So, I haven't heard a word from my dad about my brother's death. True, it is different situation, but I would like to think that we would have cried together, held hands and grieved the loss of a great guy whom we loved.
> >
> > From a keyboard wet with tears, hugs
> > -S
> >
> >
poster:susan C
thread:8982
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010807/msgs/9041.html