Posted by Dinah on May 15, 2009, at 12:42:55
In reply to ??? » Dinah, posted by muffled on May 15, 2009, at 12:22:04
Hi muffled!
He said if I gave it to him, he'd tear it up. Sadly, I think it was more power struggle than rapprochement. I accused him of wanting to take away my moral superiority. He said that I had moral superiority either way, but that I also had $110. He said that he had acted like an *ss, and he was trying in the only way he could think to make it up to me. I told him that money couldn't make it up to me. He said he knew. But there was a mulishness to his chin and a flatness to his eyes that told me it was far more than an attempt to make amends. He's angry with me, I think.
I'm not sure he ever did understand the point. He kept saying things like "You have every right to be angry." but then was unable to accurately reflect back why I was angry. I explained many times, in as many different ways as I could. He said that in relationships, sometimes we have to repeat ourselves in order to be understood. I think he may have gotten a glimmer when I told him that there was a fundamental difference in our perceptions of the relationship based on the fact that I cared enough about seeing him to pay him every single time I saw him. While he had to be paid to see me. I told him that he needed to be cognizant of that when thinking of his words. That asking me for the cash, when I was clearly upset (or it should have been clear to him as my therapist, even if I wasn't crying or hyperventilating), shook the trust I had finally gained that I was more than an income stream. He didn't ask if I was ok. He didn't express regret. He asked for a check. I felt like a great big fat dollar sign.
I admitted that I'd hated him for a moment. I told him that had I not had a well established relationship with him, I'd have dropped his check in the gutter, walked off, and never seen him again. I told him it was a foolish business decision to jeopardize a profitable income stream for the fees of a single session. I was unkind. He was angry, but wouldn't admit it. I wish he'd admit it at least. His eyes get so flat when he's angry that they really do look brown instead of blue.
I also told him that maybe it was for the best. That maybe once in a while I needed to feel the truth in my gut, not my brain. And that the polite ritual of handing over the check and receiving a receipt might not be sufficient to viscerally feel the truth. He didn't deny it. He looked a little sad.
He said that being a therapist was a weird way to make a living. That it was a job in some respects. But that part of the job was forming relationships. And that the relationships were real - very real, and separate somehow to him.
Or something like that. He said it really well, much better than I do. I'm sure he has had to discuss it before...
poster:Dinah
thread:895355
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/895938.html