Posted by ElaineM on September 23, 2006, at 10:27:19
In reply to question answers » caraher, posted by ElaineM on September 23, 2006, at 0:15:37
I was writing this out before I went to sleep Thursday night, after I posted my first rambling message to Poet. (There's more to this story from Friday's meeting, which may change everything around). But really, this LadyT part is the bit I'm having most trouble with. (Sorry if it sounds like gibberish, it was late and I'm too lazy to edit)
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During the same meeting, he said bad stuff about Lady T :'( He told me she only used me to learn from, and that our time together was more hurtful towards me than helpful, and that she didn't know how to treat me properly. Said that my therapy with her "was a failure". I (want to say love but) CARE FOR HER! I asked him if he was sick of me too, and that he could send me away if I was really horrible. He said, I always want to see you. ANd then he said, "No one else would take you on." ...that I'm resistant to change and "working" in therapy, and even if someone started to see me, they would get frustrated with me and end it. He said even though I'm not actively anorexic right now, that even only a history as severe as mine would turn other therapists away. He said people just don't like taking on ED clients. I pulled my feet up beside me and started crying over the arm of the couch. I thought I'd be sick. That's what I fear hearing the most. THen he came and knelt infront of me, pulled me in for a hug and said, "I'm afraid I'm all you have." Eventually I had to pull back cause the muscles in my back were pulling from sitting so awkwardly, and leaning on myself that way. I lay all the way back against the cushion but he didn't let go. He moved his hands down to my sides and just held my waist for awhile while knealing. I hate my waist being touched - it's so gross and fat!!! Fat pig from bingeing! I was afraid to look away from my hands in my lap because I really thought he was going to kiss me. And his head looked really big then. Like a monster head. My eyes must be f*cked up too. I almost started screaming. What is wrong with my mind? He didn't even speak then. It just stayed like that for so long. Then he let go and put one hand on the arm of the couch, and the other kinda behind my curled legs so that my legs were inbetween his arm and chest. And sometimes he would sit back on his heels and when his body leaned back his hand would move forward and rest on my calf. I guess it felt weird. Or I don't know. I mean, I guess it was only my leg. (And I wasn't dressed slutty. I was wearing a long skirt below my knees, cause I always like to dress to look like I'm better then I am. I really wasn't dressed in a bad way). His hugs feel different all the time. Like hugging after giving me the plot number felt different than this other hugging. I'm out of my f-ing mind. I don't know anything. I'm so d@mn crazy that the world doesn't make sense. Nice - not nice - love - fear. I don't have a brain.Nothing really bad happened though - that's the thing that confuses me and makes me mad at myself. Why do I get so worked up over actions that are really nothing (compared to other things)? It's just too long being like that. Especially if I say the thing that invites him near early in the session. Then it's like an hour and a half! It's just, I never know what it is that's going to sound like an invitation. But at least he's not mean. He still says I have to make all the decisions. He says it's not my fault that I always end up making him sad. I can't stand hurting others. (If I say something to one of you guys that hurts you, you must tell me. I don't know I'm doing it!) I can't remember what else we talked about and I don't feel like going to read the printout again. I KNOW no other T will want me. Oh god, I KNOW IT! Knew even before he told me. When my family does not love me, when all that's left in my world are Helpers, even they will turn away -- the last resorts will not even want me. I want someone to be strong for me, and care for me even though I'm messed up, and not care what I look like, and help. I WANT LADYDOC =:::( I want HER to hug me. That's why I'm so afraid of even thinking of trying to find another T now. Something is better than nothing. And I do think I judge him too harshly because I don't think I'd care as much if one of my mother-like helpers (Ldoc or Lt) wanted to sit with me and hold me. I have to stop this line of thinking. It is dangerous.
I'm sorry if I was rude or something in this post. I tried to edit out anything inappropriate. I hope it's ok. I feel very alone, like I don't even have the memories of LadyT anymore to make me feel better. I can't stand the idea of that being true.
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The other HelpLine didn't respond yet, and I also emailed CC late Thurs night and she hasn't got back yet either. :( I guess I'll have to try and hope for Monday.
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688416.html