Posted by ElaineM on September 23, 2006, at 0:15:37
In reply to Re: T stuff, knowing what you feel?***triggers, posted by caraher on September 22, 2006, at 13:25:17
>>>>>>If you do want to answer why you don't "show him love," what might be a more true response? Because you don't love him?
I don't know. Except for my grandparents, I don't ever really show anything. Especially love. No one has ever "loved" me back. I stopped feeling a long time ago. It was hard for treatment people to understand. I go with the flow, I don't think, I do what is asked, or I guess what is wanted and hope I come close to it. It's kind of humiliating to say but I'm not used to people even asking for love or affection, only taking. Everyone takes. Everyone. It has never been my position to want, because my want/or lack of, has NEVER been relevant. I do what is required of me to keep others pleased or not angry.
>>>>>>Because you may "love" him, but only as one loves a caretaker?
That is probably the hardest thing for me to think of. I just push it away. That leads to the one subject that I just can't tolerate hearing. I can't do it. I won't go any farther then that, but only say that my mind often wanders that way, towards that discussion, and I can't take it. I don't even want to see those words. I know I'm being cryptic but I really can't go any deeper than that.
>>>>>>>Or only as one loves a good friend?
I think I do think of him (at least) as a friend. He is too kind and has done too much for me to not see him as a friend. But this is what often leaves me so confused and guilty --that I'm hurting a friend by betraying his trust, and talking to others, and posting about him here....It's so terrible.
>>>>>>>>>Or is the issue the expression of love... are you inhibited by fear?
I think I fear it cause I really don't know what it means to do that. I don't think I've ever seen love expressed properly (except with my Grandparents). But other then that, I wouldn't know the first proper thing to do or say.
>>>>>>>By not wanting to mislead him?
I was going to get to this part in a later post, but today he asked me to think if I have been leading him on. I haven't thought much about it yet, so I guess I'll just leave it at that for now. I am actually more afraid of not officially being his patient cause that would mean even minimal guidelines and rules in how we interact would disappear. But at least he'd be happy.
Caraher, this is one of the most difficult topics I've tried to figure out my thoughts on. I feel like I'm starting from scratch.
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688358.html