Posted by Tamar on August 12, 2006, at 21:37:48
In reply to Re: I’m going to tie my therapist to his chair, posted by Daisym on August 12, 2006, at 20:33:15
> >>>>I wish my love for him could be something good. Instead it feels immoral and inappropriate. And if I’m so sure he doesn’t want me to love him, why would I tell him I love him? I know I shouldn’t tell him because he doesn’t want my love. It’s strange how powerful it is: the longing to be allowed to love him.
>
> <<<<<This really resonanted with me, except it isn't my therapist who is telling me I'm not allowed to love him. It is some other voice (s?) that loudly proclaim that this is presumptuous on my part and "who the he!! do I think I am to love him..." etc. And it isn't like I even want him to DO anything, I just want it to be OK for me to feel this intense about him.Yeah. I have that voice too: it’s harsh and mocking. It tells me that my love for him is disgusting, because I’m disgusting. It tells me I’m stupid because I forget that people don’t want me to love them. And it tells me that if I allow myself to confess my love for him, he will certainly be disgusted.
> Any ideas on how it can be made OK? Him telling me it is OK isn't working.
I wish there were an easy answer. For me there’s a lot of fear. I’m afraid to allow myself to love him because the feelings are so powerful. I don’t think I can love him just a little bit. If I allow myself to love him, then I’m going to love him a lot, and it feels inappropriate. I don’t want to overwhelm him with my feelings and drive him away. He told me when we talked about anger that therapy is a place where it’s ok to have very powerful feelings. And I suppose the same should be true of love. I’m not afraid that my anger will drive him away, but I’m terrified that my love will drive him away.
I think it would feel more OK to me if I thought that he wanted me to love him; if he could tell me that he values my love and that he’s pleased that I feel it. The thing is, love is a gift. But how could he want my gift when it’s so contaminated by my disgustingness? I don’t think he could persuade me that my love is clean or good. But if he could tell me that however contaminated it is, he values it because it’s all I have to give him… then maybe I could believe it was OK.
> I hope the vacation goes really fast. I'm happy you found you can talk to him about sex. Those conversations are often hard to have, and yet can be really great for moving closer and building trust. I'm not surprised he was unflappable. I would expect no less.
Yes, I do feel a bit more trusting after that conversation. I almost think I could tell him anything…
Thanks Daisy!
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:675486
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/675945.html