Posted by daisym on July 13, 2006, at 13:17:52
In reply to Re: An Emotional Therapist » Daisym, posted by annierose on July 12, 2006, at 19:57:28
>>>How are you doing today?
<<<<<I guess today was yesterday but either way, I'm sort of OK. I'm writing this morning, which usually signals anxiety. I had group last night which was a hard one.>>>>>I think it's so hard to untangle our emotional lives from our cognitive mind. Your head knows that it is safe to share these secrets with your T. But your inner dialogue that has been playing in your head for years screams, "Don't trust grown-ups".
<<<<<<Grown-ups includes me. My younger self is screaming that I need to shut up before we all get into trouble.>>>>>>>>I'm thinking not only of your father, but your mother too. "Don't tell her" was what your father implied, "You'll get in trouble." As an adult we can see how twisted his thinking was on this matter. He was 100% to blame. You DID NOTHING WRONG! You as an adult can begin to see how it wasn't you, but that record has been playing for so long it is hard to change the tune.
<<<<<You are absolutely right here. But while I KNOW I wasn't to blame, I don't FEEL like I wasn't. And I don't know how to change that. And the mom stuff is the hardest. I'm upset with her for not saving me even as I protected her from knowing. Moms are supposed to read minds. I'm still protecting her from knowing. It is all so complicated.>>>>>>>Maybe sharing all these stories with your T is triggering the little girl in you that wanted to share with her mother, afraid of her reaction, what is she going to do with this information --- believe you or believe "him". Who is she going to protect? Who will she choose?
<<<<<<I didn't think I was still worried that "no one" will believe me but yesterday I was in tears talking with him about "telling" during group. I said, among other things, "what if they don't believe me? What if they think it wasn't that bad?" He just gently said, "how could they think that? It was bad and they will believe you." I asked him if he believes me and he said, "of course. Yes." He didn't act like it was a stupid question, even though I thought it was a stupid question. Old, deep fears coming up here. I thought I needed to be perfect for my mom to love me. Admitting this stuff makes me so much less than perfect.>>>>>Your T chooses YOU! He wants to hear what happened to you. He wants to soothe your pain. He wants you to unburden your heart to him. What a gift he is receiving from you, your complete love and trust in him.
<<<<The thing is, he didn't choose me. He took me on as a client without knowing what he was getting into. I never had any intention of telling any of this. And then I just needed to. But I do love and trust him. And I know he wants to help me. He says with lots of compassion that he knows we need to do this work no matter how painful. He is encouraging more balance right now though, especially on weekends. I figure it must be bad if he is encouraging me to put it away and contain it for awhile.>>>>I hear in your voice a stronger Daisy. You may not hear it yet, but you are. I hear it all the way over here and you are ready to share these stories with him now. And he is ready to listen.
<<<<<<I feel stronger and yet very fragile. Like a spider's web - strong enough to hold it all together and yet easily ripped apart with the right weapon or by the right person. I'm calling this sharing "round 2" because it is a repeat and yet different. I hope he can keep listening. I hope you can too.>>>>>That is therapy at its best. I'm glad he is in your life. I love him for being there for you.
<<<<<<I told him you said this. He smiled. He said he is glad to hear I'm back on the board and interacting. He thinks the support is good for me and he is always amazed at everyone's insight. Then he teased me and asked me how it felt to hear that someone else loves him...*sigh* such a smarta**!I still think we need a babble picnic that includes us on one side and our therapists on the other. Can you imagine what they would say to each other?
poster:daisym
thread:666262
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/666749.html