Posted by Daisym on July 12, 2006, at 1:46:23
I know we've talked about this before so I understand if this gets little to no response. But...
I made my Therapist cry on Monday. He said he felt very, very sad for me. I read him a journal page and cried the whole time I read it. Usually I can get through the readings, but not lately. I'm retelling the stories and the retelling is graphic and brutal and angry and outraged. I think the pain on the page infuses itself into the very air we breathe in his office sometimes. We both feel it and I can see it reflected all over his face. I told him the anger has its own set of tears and they are hot, deep tears...like my soul is crying.
Today I asked him about making him feel so sad and the tears. He said he was OK, that he can take care of himself. But yes, he felt sad, but that I wasn't hurting him. And he wasn't going to leave because of how he was feeling. He tried to explain that it was appropriate for him to feel sad, to look shocked and to be angry. He sometimes gets angry for me about what I tell him. Like today, he said he hates my dad for making me hate myself and he hates what he did to me. I asked him if he is really allowed to hate. He nodded and said it was just a feeling, just like love and beauty and sadness. To me, hate and anger are scary because they seem so much more solid than other emotions. They feel like weapons to hurt someone with.
I feel so selfish and relentless in my pursuit to feel better. I'm terrified that it is too much again and that I'm going to burn out my therapist, or use him all up or something. I'm terrified that I'm going to get into trouble and the punishment is no more therapy. I even offered today to cut back to twice per week so he didn't have to see me as much. He said he thought that was a bad idea, that if I needed him, I needed him and that was OK.
Is it? Is it really OK to make someone you care about so much, feel hurt and sadness? I felt so bad and yet I marched in there today and read another page. And he wants me to keep reading them. What if he gets tired of them? Or of me?
I'm very scared tonight.
poster:Daisym
thread:666262
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/666262.html