Posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:28:43
Therapy is so hard right now. We talked about my mom and how angry I am at her. I wrote her a letter, trying to express what I was feeling. It was honest but not that hostile and angry. I just can't write down all the painful feelings. Something makes my fingers type more reasonable words, more acceptable sentences. Even my therapist commented that I didn't sound that angry. I sort of railed at him: "you write it then." Because what I really want to do is create a list of everything that was ever done to me, or that I was made to do and read it to her. I want her to hear all of it, to have to listen to me tell the horrible truth. I want her to hurt as much as I do. I scared myself when I said this. My therapist was quiet and then he nodded his head and said, "it is understandable that you feel that way. I feel the same way...I want her to know everything that happened to you and force her to listen. It is OK that you have these feelings." I argued that it wasn't. I think that the worst thing I could do would be to turn my anger onto a person with the sole intention of hurting them. Doesn't that make me like my dad...and my husband? I'd rather stuff it then let it out like that. Very, very, very, very quietly my therapist said, "but stuffing it is killing you." "Yes," was all I could say.
No matter what I write or don't write, those feelings are still there, that burning feeling of outrage that makes me want to cry out, "WHERE WERE YOU?!" (I say this often to my therapist as well, from a very deep place that really needs him. He always, always responds "I wish I had been there." He never acts like this is a stupid thing to say, even though we both know this is demanding the impossible.) It is so much more than my mom not saving me from the abuse, but it begins and ends there. Because I don't think she liked me, especially the child me, who was all the things she wasn't. I was shy, and clumsy, and not a morning person at all. She is outgoing and confident and wakes up singing. I use to love to smell her pillow because it smelled like her perfume and I would imagine what it would be like to be a happy grown up like she was.
Recently I've found out that a lot of her confidence and happiness was fake. She never let me see that she was scared or hurting or unsure of a decision. And I'm angry about that too. I wish she knew how hard I tried to live up to her expectations and to grow into the person she "knew" I could be. I think I've figured out that I can't grow in this shade, I need some sun of my own. But boy, does she cast a long shadow! It would have been helpful to know that even she had moments of self-doubt and regret. My therapist asked me if I was also saying that it would be helpful to know that he had self-doubt too. I wasn't sure...I think I want him to be confident and strong and able to take care of me right now. I've had enough reality checks.
Why is mom stuff so hard?
poster:Daisym
thread:645772
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/645772.html