Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 11:55:42
In reply to Re: Good news » Larry Hoover, posted by littleone on May 2, 2006, at 21:16:40
> I'm so glad you posted here Larry. I'd been worried that that incident would have been the last straw for you and caused you to leave. I'm so happy that you gained such valuable insight from what happened. You deserve good things.
Oh, I'm a little misty-eyed now. That's very sweet of you.
> > In discovering that I had an ego state disorder, arising from childhood experience, and falling under the more general rubric of post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic.....in discovery alone, I also discovered healing. Imagine that. The act of catharsis and the eureka itself were one and the same event.
>
> May I ask how exactly you've found it healing? eg you've learnt to communicate with your parts, or you've learnt how to soothe your parts or meet their needs or other things entirely. If you'd rather not answer that's fine, I was just trying to understand better how you've taken steps to heal.I understand why you're asking these questions. It's all very much a process, even the trying to describe it part.
My parts aren't apart any more.
Historically, the ego state transitions were transparent to me. I saw no evidence that they happened. The switch was seamless. It always was. Those others selves left no clues, save their words. And the lost time.
So, I built a scaffold. A cognitive perch from which to observe. Like a hunter in a blind. A hunter is only a hunter if game comes by. Otherwise, he's just some guy up a tree.
And I waited. The me part of me waited. It's like doing relationship work. You have to be in one to do it. I needed to see what happened to me, before, during, and after, a dissociative event. The clue for me, that finally tipped me off, was trying to figure out why those most florrid and immature and insulting comments were *added* during editing. With my implicit consent, apparently. It didn't add up, at all. Until I saw it happen. The recognition went both ways. The act of observing eliminated the fragment, because the "crack" between us disappeared.
I don't know if you do programming, but it's like what you go through when you're debugging. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. Then, it does. Like object-oriented programming, and a module isn't passing usable variables. It only works when the objects mesh properly.
My ex-fragments still need their needs met, but overall, my coping strategies are quite comfortable for them. After all, they have the same taste in things.
> > I could not ever have said this before, but I can say it now.....It is possible that I may never again be triggered into dissociation. Before, I could not have said that. But, now I can. {Aside: That is not a challenge, 'kay?}
>
> Could you maybe explain a bit more what you mean here? I'm certainly not doubting you, please don't misunderstand me, I'm just having trouble understanding why you feel this way. I guess a part of me is kind of a bit upset that you've moved forward so much in such a relative short period of time and I'm just going nowhere. I'd really like to understand a lot better what's been happening with you while you were gone.One thing is, the realization that re-integration was occurring, happened before I was blocked. It was an instantaneous recognition. This variable only comes in two states, and it changed states. 0 is now 1. If I took the time to look back at time stamps of the posts in question, I bet I could narrow it down to an exact moment in time.
Whatever it was, this variable that changed, it's analogous to a business being in the red, or being in the black. Certain conditions attach to either of those states. Before I saw what was happening during a triggering event, before I made that observation, I could not have predicted anything. I was still totally blind to what I might discover, if I ever did maneuver myself into the right place to see it. But once I've seen it, it is no longer a mystery at all. Because I've seen it, I can say that it *may* never happen again. I did not have the data to predict anything, before. Now I have data, *and* no more "cracks" between the modules.
> I'm really happy that you're feeling a lot better now and understand yourself better.Thank you. It's still a process. That part will never change.
I like to find the silver lining. I like finding shiny things amongst the muck and detritus of existence. I discovered that I am a living parallel processor. I have multi-tracking going on, all the time. It may be an obvious observation to others, but it feels different to simply know these things about me, now.
I hope I didn't just raise more questions with my attempts to answer, but it's okay if I did. I'm up for more questions, if you have any.
Hugs,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:639201
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/639938.html