Posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:22:25
In reply to Lets live together in a perfect gardenw/o DH slugs » LadyBug, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 17:08:43
There is obviously a long story here but it is too hard to tell. The hard part is sorting out what all the motivators were/are. Would I have done this if I hadn't worked so much on myself in therapy? I think all the slow, little gains just came together and I realized as we entered into the ten year old fight that I was done. I didn't need to be there for the fight to happen. We could have taped it and just listened. So I said we needed a break. He agreed. But then I found a place, and made plans to move and he freaked out. I mean, freaked out! Tears, the whole bit. He didn't really "mean it." And he is so, so sad. And confused.
Me too. It feels like someone died. My therapist said gently today that essentially someone did. I did -- the old me that would put up with anything, do anything to keep the peace and maintain an equalibrium that was impossible without gravity boots. I had to save myself. He reminded me that way back when I first went into therapy I described my marriage as the two of us in separate swimming pools, drowning slowly side-by-side, neither able to save the other but I was trying like hell to throw my husband a rope. Today my therapist said I've let go of the rope out of sheer exhaustion. So now I have to tread water until I can actually pull myself out of the pool. But I only have to save me, so it feels a tiny bit like it might be possible.
In therapy we've talked a lot about how one of my biggest jobs is to give up saving my husband and let him do that for himself. It leaves a hole a mile wide and I honestly don't know how to not feel guilty about all of this. So, for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time, though sometimes it's more like an hour at a time.
My therapist tells me I can lean on him as much as I need to. Yet I didn't call him at all this weekend, or talk to him on Friday. He doesn't want me to close up and run away from my feelings. But it hurts to much right now to open up to any help or empathy. As I type this, the tears feel close. But somehow, I don't think I deserve to shed them. I did this. I chose this. So what am I crying about?
poster:Daisym
thread:636111
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/636818.html