Posted by Voce on December 21, 2005, at 16:26:18
Going to see my former female T triggered something....old pain, old grief. She sees my ex male T once in awhile and I'm just so insanely jealous of that. She can shrug it off like no big deal, but I haven't seen him in 19 months, so it IS a big deal to me. She asked me if I still think about him a lot, and I said, "Every day. I think about him every day." She seemed to understand and respect that. The question is, what now?
I told her that I wish I could sit down with him now and talk about what went wrong in my termination. I have a lot more perspective now, and I feel as though I know where my illness/transference ends and reality begins. I feel like I could call him now on some mistakes he made, but I'm not angry, that's the thing.
My female T said, "He's not that far away. Have you ever called him?" I said no, I don't think he'd want me too. She said she didn't know about that, but I know that the answer I got from him, at least a year ago, was a firm "no." It's so maddening to know he's so close, but I can't see him, I can't talk to him.
She asked me if I went to see him, if it would stir up my grief again, or give me peace and closure. I didn't tell her that it hurts ALL the time, one way or another. Just sometimes it's worse.
I was in so much pain BEFORE I went to therapy. My health was eroding, and I just couldn't get out of bed, or stop crying. But after therapy, in the wake of termination and having him ripped away so completely--I'm trying to decide what was worse.
At least this way the pain is confined to one area. Instead of grieving for everything, all the time, I'm only grieving for him and what he represented. He represented my father, yes, he certainly served as a stand-in. But being with him was a time when I was supremely understood. He was tangled in my thoughts WITH me. I didn't have to worry about hurting him or meeting his needs or taking care of his feelings. He was constantly compassionate, unflappable, tuned in, concerned and passionate about the work we did together.
I am better now. I can look people in the eye, I am more secure in my body and with myself as a sexual being. I understand that not all men will hurt me or use me and then throw me away. My T saved my marriage before it began.
So it wouldn't have mattered what I would've done, whether I had gone to therapy or not. I'm still going to hurt. Only now, what I am hurting for is no longer nameless. It has a face and a voice.
What if it never goes away? What if I miss him every day for the rest of my life? What if I never see him again? What if I never stop grieving?
Anyone want to drink wine with me tonight until I can't even talk?
poster:Voce
thread:591027
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/591027.html