Posted by fallsfall on January 5, 2005, at 7:07:59
In reply to Re: Conscious, unconscious and the grey in between » fallsfall, posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 23:41:19
A number of people have commented on my therapist's statement that I "want to be depressed". I certainly heard his statement as harsh and critical - blaming (but then again, I hear everything as a criticism...). And when he refused my answer that I didn't want to be depressed, that I was doing everything I could think of to get out of the depression, I did feel abandoned by him. He was blaming me for being depressed and offering no solution. It was awful.
BUT. That doesn't mean that he was wrong. Perhaps he could have worded it more nicely - but maybe if he had protected the message with soft trappings I wouldn't have gotten the message at all. And it was a message worth getting for a couple of reasons.
First, it prompted some very honest and important conversations about what I was *getting* from being depressed. As ShortElise and Littleone mentioned (but in reference to my daughter), sometimes the "rewards" of a particular behavior are not the obvious ones. I don't want to go into the particular secondary gains that I have - it is still a very tender subject for me. But my therapist and I have talked extensively about "losing therapy" - either because he won't see me because I'm "well", or because insurance won't pay for it. Identifying and voicing these fears has been really helpful.
Second, he made a convincing case that severe depressions don't last for 10 years. That depression comes and goes - yet mine just keeps coming. So why is that? He opened up the conversation to "considering the possibility" that I *did* want to be depressed - even though every cell in my body screams that I don't. This opened up a discussion about conscious and unconscious motivations. It was a pretty amazing discussion, because I truly believed that I had no unconscious motivations. So there was a lot of learning (very painful learning) that went on (and still goes on) to understand what "unconscious" means, and to accept that I might "want" things that I don't know that I "want".
The bottom line is that I *do* feel better these days, and I *am* doing better (no small matter after 10 years). And I credit his blunt, cold, hurtful comment that I "want to be depressed" to these improvements.
Could he have used a smaller hammer? One wrapped in something soft? Perhaps. But perhaps that is what he and my previous therapist had been doing for 10 years.
Do I still feel hurt when I think about that comment? You bet.
Some of you say that you would have walked out if your therapist made such a comment. I am a very dependent patient - and my therapist knows that. It would take a nuclear blast to make me leave. But I also know - very deeply - that my therapist cares about me. And that when he "hurts" me that it is either an error on his part, or that he is "doing it for my own good" - like when you take your child to the doctor for a shot. And I know that if it is an error on his part, that both of us will stick around to work it out. So, no. I didn't walk out. I stayed and tried my hardest to convince him that he was wrong - and in the process I learned some things about life and about myself.
He has learned to sprinkle the word "unconsciously" liberally in front of the word "want". And I have learned to interpret the word "want" in a more general sense. We are communicating more clearly now.
Would this "technique" work for other therapists with their patients? I would not make a blanket recommendation for that! But in my case, I think it has been helpful. Painful, but helpful. But who said that therapy wouldn't be painful?
poster:fallsfall
thread:437567
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/438043.html