Posted by fallsfall on April 23, 2004, at 7:31:54
In reply to Re: Not being understood, posted by shadows721 on April 22, 2004, at 22:26:33
*** Thanks, Shadows, you are very right about many of these things.
> "WE started off with a great example. I had a couple of short bits of good news, and then I said WE had some choices about what to talk about (and I listed them)."
>
> It's not WE had some choices. It's YOU. What did you "feel" you needed to talk about? It's fine to bring in a list of things you need to talk about, but the list is just for you. The focus is on what you need. I think that's what he meant by saying he just wants you to talk about what you feel. Maybe, he thinks you are bringing in the list for him.*** I know that it is my choice. I didn't ask him to choose. I just wanted him to know what the big picture looked like to me before we got into the details. I think I would feel better about this if he *never* seemed to have an agenda. The other day we had a rough session, and the next day I went in and started talking about my daughter and my dogs. He immediately interrupted me and asked something about the previous session. Granted, I was avoiding the topic... But yesterday there *was* another topic that I thought was pretty significant, and I thought he should know about it. I guess in some way I was trying to prove that I *wasn't* avoiding the previous session's topic - while trying to give him the option of deciding that my newer topic should be tabled for the previous one if he wanted.
>
> "Why is it that I can't seem to figure out how to *DO* this therapy thing? Why am I always doing it the wrong way - even when I am trying my hardest to follow his directions? Why does it feel like I just can't win?"
>
> Therapy isn't like school. There's no passing or failing. There's no strict instructions. There's no perfect way to "do" therapy. Therapy is about being yourself and bringing into therapy what really needs to be covered for you.
>
*** Yes, you can tell me this as many times as you would like. And I will tell it to other people, too. But when he says "The way that you are thinking about this doesn't look like it is going to be helpful for you", my gut says "You did it wrong". On a good day, I can follow that with "So let's try a different way next time" - but the "wrong" is still there. On a bad day I can't figure out any different way to try it next time - so I am "wrong" and "hopeless".> It's appears to me that it is you that doesn't understand what he is saying. I think he does understand you. It looks like you are trying to appease or receive his approval. Also, it appears that you are punishing yourself by saying you are failing with him.
*** Yes, I don't understand what he is saying. I keep trying to do what he wants (talk about feelings instead of being intellectual), but I obviously still don't know what he is saying. I am not so much trying to gain his approval as I am trying to follow his direction. I think I should follow his direction because I've been doing it "my" way for 47 years and it hasn't worked very well. So I'm trying to do it differently - not to make him happy, but in hopes that it will work better for me. Am I punishing myself for "failing"? I am continually frustrated that I can't understand his direction enough to follow it. I have usually been pretty succeessful in accomplishing things - I'm not very experienced in not understanding. I think that my overall response is frustration (and waning patience).
>
> I don't know why, but I get a feeling here. I think this guy is reminding you of a parent or a teacher that couldn't be pleased. Think about that. Does it fit? Was there a person in your past that you tried to do things just right and still was critized? Did you feel that they never understood you?*** Yes, my dad. We talk about this all the time.
>
> You aren't doing anything wrong. It seems you are trying to therapy "right" for the t and not for you.*** But MY way doesn't produce the desired result.
>This is all about you. What brought you into therapy? Is that being addressed?
*** Much of my issue has to do with not being able to handle being wrong or criticized.
>Where are your feelings? Are they being acknowledged by you? Are you allowing yourself to show emotion in t or do you just analyze yourself?
*** Feelings are a fairly foreign concept. I really am trying to find them and understand them and talk about them. I show emotion all the time in therapy - and am continually overwhelmed by it.
>Do you feel safe with this t in expressing painful emotions and/or memories?
*** Yes. He accepts what I say. But I also am concerned that I will talk about something painful and he'll say "Hmmm, that is painful for you, but I don't think that it is particularly relevant for where your therapy needs to go"
>Shift you focus off of being the "perfect" client and focus on what do you need to help you with what brought you into therapy?
*** What I THINK I need has not been helpful in the past. So I believe I need to try a different way. So I'm trying to figure out what a different way might be - and looking to him to give me ideas. Is that trying to be the "perfect" client?? If so, then I really am at a loss to know what I *should* be doing.
>
> As for reading and re-reading your posts, does that make you "feel" better to do that? If it does, that's okay.
>
> Maybe an issue you have is really about trying to please people or meeting their needs and it's foreign to you to meet your own. Focusing on what you need is new territory. You will get the hang of it. Just let go of trying to say everything right and doing things right. Just be your uniquely beautiful self.*** I *WAS* my uniquely beautiful self for 38 years. It was not successful.
>Maybe next time, don't go in with a script or a list, just go in an talk about what problems brought you initial into therapy.
*** I have made SO much progress on this - I used to rehearse the whole session beforehand. Now I try to have a topic, but not to have hashed through the topic in advance. I went into therapy 9 years ago, that was another lifetime.
>Also, I get the feeling that you are unconfortable in this situation where the center of attention is you, your feelings, and your issues.
>
> What do you think?*** Correct again. I don't want to be the center of attention because then I run the risk of finding out that I'm doing it *wrong*. Sigh.
Thank you, Shadows. You are very insightful. I think that you do understand what my basic issue is. I think that I understand the issue, too. What I don't understand is what to do about it.
poster:fallsfall
thread:338953
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339091.html