Posted by garnet71 on February 2, 2009, at 1:29:57
Hello Alternative People!
This is looooongggg and mostly boring, so if you don't want to read it - abort, abort! lol
I'm dreading going to a PDoc next week, for anxiety, but want to be more prepared next time so that I can be on top of the game for the five minute script-writing session. I had gone to this one for a couple years, and saw the psychiatric nurse most times; PDoctor only 2 or 3 times over a 2 year period...but they are better than the last 2 psychiatrists I tried recently.
So-I'm making a list of my history, writing it here to accomplish 2 things at once and want to hear your valuable recommendations for a supplement/vitamin/noortropic cocktail, possible unprofessional diagnosis - or whatever. I love psychology, so I'd be so lucky to discuss this with you all.
Family history:
Sister - heavy drug abuse, bipolar? after nervous breakdown, depression, very artistic; prior photographic memory
Mother - denial, self-defeating behavior, neglectful; no psychiatric 'disorders' but has permanent aura of victimhood from self esteem; absent father but grew up in good family; no family members with psychiatric disorders at all
Father - (deceased) very emotionally abusive and a short period of sexually abusive while having mini-nervous breakdown, anxiety; controlled alchoholic; grew up in severe, gut-wrenching, violent abuse and also stress taking care of his mother after death of his father; debilitating social anxiety; IQ over 160
Grandmother - paternal - (deceased) nervous breakdown/catatonic depression when husband died at 35; schitzophrenic; very independent last 30 or so years of life
Brother - There is something wrong with him but I don't know what; grew up very, very introverted and shy; had no one; was in military special forces for 8 years and war, then got divorced and did really weird stuff that may trigger others if I write it here; also alot of criminal behavior but not mean or violent; drug/alcohol abuse; once locked himself in a room at our mother's house for 1 whole year and only showered once or twice; mother in denial and enabled him; very high IQ like father
Paternal cousins - 1 with autism; 1 with dyslexia and slowed learning but very intelligent
Aunt/father's sister - phobias, anxiety; married abusive man
Son - has strong ADHD; had anxiety issues breifly; has deadbeat dad but seems pretty healthy but has potential for alchohol abuse; has been in trouble at school and driver's license/underage drinking issues; has tried some drugs, but mostly weed and now stays away
I am actually the most sane one in my family, believe it or not, the strong one. I have a huge family of normalcy on my mother's side, but my parents isolated us from them.
So my mental health history:
Childhood (0 to 16):
Don't remember much; father very emotionally abusive; I was very shy and pleasant; got straight As until high school (but not smart like dad/brother); remember not eating in high school and having depression one time, I think very short; did drugs/alchohol at 12 but didn't like drugs-weed made me feel like I could read peoples' minds and I got way too introverted; did some drugs because friends did but only on occasion; never felt like I fit in, but had a few friends; mostly hung out with outgoing sister and her friends who were usually 10 years older than sis and I; felt more comfortable around older people; starting skipping school alot, but very mature and responsible in many ways; worked since age 10 to escape from the house; some crime; got pregnant at 16 and kicked out of the house; dropped out of highschool after 10th grade because day care bill was so expensive and I thought high school was stupid - a waste of time - and I didn't fit in socially anyway. Friends 10 years older; even befriended old ladies in the neighborhood met from work.
Young Adulthood (17 to 23):
Was a busy mom. No support from family; few good friends. Abusive bf, but only on occasion. Not as good of a mom as I would have liked to have been, but not abusive, although I would yell at times when I thought I shouldn't have. Highly driven and confident. Was productive 16 to 20 hours a day; worked full time, went to school/associate's degree; took on all responsibilities for bfs kids; drank too much with friends; counseled and was 'savior' to friends-friends/coworkers always turned to me for support and advice; cooked 6-7 nights a week; took care of house responsiblities, 3 kids, and worked full time. Kids' stepfather was abusive, so took on helping bf's exwife and raised their kids; Was very alone-no support from bf, family, friends, but never felt depressed, just stressed. Financial troubles, lack of health care. Day care would call me every week with problems from my child. Had occaisonal anxiety attacks, not until I was about 20. Never had mental health treatment.
Later (24 to 29):
Left abusive bf, single mom. Left with a few trashbags of clothes; he destroyed things in the house was angry I left him. Picked up refrigerator to throw at me, threw a dresser at me, he had an anger problem, but I just calmly went around the house gathering what I could, acting like he wasn't ever there. Still took care of step children. Ex bf/son's father never paid child support. Poor, stressful; lived like a gypsy. Had to sleep on friends floor because with day care bill, couldn't earn enough for house. School calling me all the time wiht problems about my child. Babysat 8 little kids at times so that I would have someone to watch my kid while I worked. Had lots of patience, and was calm with 8 kids. Strangers would tell me I had a good head on my shoulders, to the point where I was sought for dates and pulled aside for promotions and recognition. Example - doctor I saw called me at home to ask me out, CEO of company called my boss to say he was impressed with me; stuff like this happened regularly. Was very confident, articulate, good head on my shoulders, and decisive. Even though I had more friends now, I started drinking more, I think from lonliness. Was on my 15th or so job by the end of this period. Landed some good jobs and promotions. Didn't date much, mostly casual relationships. Very sharp, very focused. Great memory-I was the mental phone book of the office, but never tried to memorize the numbers. People at work came to me all the time for answers; trained many w/college degrees although I ddin't have one. Bought a house at 25. Joined the military at 28. Confidence started to decline about this time, but I had never felt depressed, just stressed. Occaisonal anxiety, but very rushed all the time. This was the time when I started to recognize I had self esteem problems. It just sort of crept up on me, but the feeling was very vague.
Later (29 to 35):
I fell apart. I started college at this time, and worked full time and another part time job; was raising my son alone. I felt I had some stability in my life, though. But my son kept getting into trouble, never violent, but still trouble at school all the time. When I was 29, I began a romantic relationship with narcissist/sex addict. Actually, I wasn't that interested in dating and he pursued me so strongly. Now that I look back, he was a predator and somehow chose me as his victim. I met him from work, and his coworkers and everyone thought has was the nicest guy in the world. I thought so too. This is a whole story in itself. This person treated me like a queen, then slowly, stealthly broke me down with insidious abuse and gaslighted me; compulsive liar. I had been a victim of in your face abuse most of my life, so this is part of the reason I did not realize I was being abused until I had already began a debilitating depression; I think I was 31 at this point. My parents never broke me, the military didn't even break me. But this person did. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression, started therapy for the first time at 31? Shortness of breath/shaking, heart pounding I learned was anxiety at this point. Primary care doctor suggested I had depression. I could not stop crying in the exam room for no reason. I can't believe I was so stupid that I didn't even know I had depression. It's like I didnt' know what hit me with narcissist guy. Much of it is still a blur.
Symptoms:
Anxeity; crying all day/night-even at work while I faced my computer and avoided everyone; ignored my son - came home from work and went right to bedroom; didn't take care of myself/stopped fixing my hair/wearing makeup. Late for work, missed work; triggered all day long by sexual things/anything to do with objectification of women (ex.-hearing about porn on the radio). Self esteem destroyed. Hyperfocused on narcissist guy - became obsessive - he was still in my life. Had to drop out of school.So started therapy and was put on Zoloft and Xanax by primary care physician.
So that was age 31. Zoloft made me so tired and I went to psychiatrist as recommended by primary care doctor. From here, took Lexapro, Celexa; made me sooo tired and no positive effects. So was put on Effexor; also made me soo tired and ruined sex for me, so PDoc added Wellbutrin. This combo worked for a while; I started becoming outgoing and productive again, but I thought it emotionally numbed me. I did not 'feel' and that was disturbing, so went off it but don't remember other combos tried from this point. I had to quit taking meds as told by the military, so I kept starting and stopping as synchronized with my medical exams, yearly. I came to not be able to stand the side effects of SSRIs, mainly the weight gain, tiredness and sex issues, and not being 'me'.
I left narcissist guy, but still was off on. I learned about sex addiction..Like I said, this is a whole story in itself; I had never been 'off/on' with bfs before in the past. He was an emotional vampire; he destroyed my sparkle, my being. He stole personality traits from me and somehow they manifested to him (can explain later). Sucked my soul out. My confidence was destroyed. My whole being was destroyed. I had lost the identity I worked so hard all my life to become. I also gained weight for the first time - from the SSRIs. Later from anxiety 24/7.
Was off/on medications for several years. PTSD dissipated (I think); depression milder but still off on. Stayed away from narcissist guy for as much as a year at a time - but he somehow managed to suck me back into his life. Regained college; did well; no concentrational problems for the most part, but my sharpness and memory had started to decline. I also started developing a social anxeity - like blushing and feeling ashamed. It was during this period that I also did a lot of miltary exercises out in the woods; one time I pulled a tick out of me,but with the heavy chemical warfare stuff and other variables, I probably wouldn't have noticed if this happened at other times.
Now (36 - present):
Was depression free mostly since then, but developed severe anxiety attacks. So severe, 24/7, that I woke up with panic; if I slept at all, I would wake up to what would feel like a jolt of adrenaline, a bursting feeling in my heart/chest. I still don't have my confidence back. My self-esteem is very low. I've had anxiety attacks and full blown panick attacks off and on. i've had many biological symptoms. My cognition has declined. I'm still in school, and my motivation is at an all-time low. I dont' feel depressed, though. I quit taking my medications about 2 weeks ago, and have improved since then. Meds the last year or so-Zoloft and Wellbutrin - made me feel worse. Ativan instantly relieves my anxiety and makes my mood better. I've had memory lapses during this period - like I couldn't remember putting my gas cap on after stopping at the gas station - and I will try so hard to remember and just can't. If feel like there is part of my brain is trapped and I can't access it. I cannot stand being overweight, which I think makes me feel 'depressed' and unsocial, but i don't feel clinically depressed. I'm tall, so people always say I dont look bad (real friends who tell the truth), but it bothers me every day. I started overeating,a fter already gaining weight from SSRIs because it was the only thing that stopped my anxiety symptoms. It has now become a habit/emotional eating. I self loathe at times; my self esteem is at an all-time low, but yet I don't feel depressed. I deal with fatigue all the time. I am worrieda bout dropping at of gradate school, and being stuck with $60,000 in student loans and no retirement savings. I almost lost my house to foreclosure a few months ago. My house is a mess. I am overwhelmed with everything I have to do.
I read about all the supplemtns, and am confused and overwhelmed. I started drinking green smoothies to get more vitamins. I can't seem to establish a routine with vitamins and supplements. I bought fish oil, magnesium citrate, and multi Bs. Rhodila and Flaxseed oil and evening primrose oil. Loaded up on Kava, Valerian, and Rescue Remedy to try to avoid SSRIS for anxiety. I am confused as to when to take them, which one's to take with food, and which ones to take with which. Ex: I know with magnesium you are supposed to take calcium, but can't seem to get it together. I feel now I am too scatterbrained to figure it out.
I dread going back on SSRIs, but they probably won't prescribe me anti-anxiety medications. What else is there? Last time, over a eyar ago, I asked this PDOC if they would work with me with supplements and nutrition and was told "if that stuff worked, then people would be taking it". WTF? Somebody please help me. How can i go from a self-assured, confident, ambitious, sharp, lively, attractive person to a total basket case? What is wrong with me? Why can't I get my self back? What should I be looking for in terms of meds or supplements? I wish so bad that my insurance paid for a nutritionist to help me. I miss therapy - I can't afford it anymore.
If you've read this far, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's embarassing putting yourself out there like this, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my old self back. Will I ever be the same?
poster:garnet71
thread:877609
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20081006/msgs/877609.html