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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 7, 2014, at 8:56:37
Sorry to just drop in casually, but I was having a crisis that I don't know how to manage.
One thing I miss about my old psychiatrist/therapist is that he was willing to offer hands-on advice, unlike a lot of behavioural therapists I've seen. I have a tendency to get 'sucked into' arguments -- laying my whole self-worth on the line -- and he gave me some useful strategies for disengaging.
I discontinued a medication 10 weeks ago and have been suffering from some kind of awful, persistent restlessness (or akathisia) that has left me house-bound, and otherwise bed-bound.
I lack any kind of negotiating/assertiveness skills whatsoever. I managed to get to the emergency room, and, instead of standing up for myself and asking to see a psychiatrist or neurologist, politely agreed when the doctor said it was anxiety and sent me home. My own GP has said there's nothing he can do, unless I drive the one hour to see him (which is impossible). I managed to see one other doctor, who was no help.
My mother has a tendency to deny, negate, downplay or obfuscate any requests for help beyond *her* immediate capabilities. She will lash out and act like it's an affront against her; she makes weakness seem disgusting. When I explained what was going on to her, she said I'm restless because I do nothing all day and need to go for a walk. Later, she made me drive myself to the emergency room, which was ridiculous.
So, without any recourse, I've spent 2 months in my room. Since the emergency room visit 6 weeks ago, she hasn't asked me how I am once, even though nothing has improved. I have recurrent dreams of being strangled/gasping-for-air and unable to speak, which I know relate to a sense of powerlessness, because this has happened before. It's a bad cycle, because I won't get any help or attention, then have to act completely self-sufficient, then when a problem arises, it's like "no there's not, you seem fine".
I need some kind of help getting to a doctor. I need financial assistance to see a neurologist (we aren't well off, but it isn't completely beyond their means, particularly when it's becoming so bad).
Knowing a quick fix is impossible, how do I possibly broach the issue with an infant-parent and avoid them lashing out? How do I convey the gravity of the situation without them diminishing it, or making it all about them?
The hardest part is asking for their help in the first place. I just get paralyzed and overcome with revulsion at the thought.
Posted by baseball55 on February 7, 2014, at 19:27:20
In reply to asking a 'Narcissist' for help, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 7, 2014, at 8:56:37
I'm not sure why you feel you need to see a neurologist, as opposed to consulting with a psychiatrist or therapist.
I'm sorry your mother will not help you. Is there someone else who might drive you to an appointment? A sibling, neighbor, friend?
Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 8, 2014, at 0:04:03
In reply to Re: asking a 'Narcissist' for help, posted by baseball55 on February 7, 2014, at 19:27:20
> I'm not sure why you feel you need to see a neurologist, as opposed to consulting with a psychiatrist or therapist.
Well, it's a neurological issue. How would a therapist help? I've vowed off psychiatrists.
> I'm sorry your mother will not help you. Is there someone else who might drive you to an appointment? A sibling, neighbor, friend?
My brother lives here. Our relationship is fine, but not very intimate. I asked him for a lift once and he said no .. and then there's still the matter of paying for the doctor/specialist.
Posted by Poet on February 8, 2014, at 17:35:37
In reply to asking a 'Narcissist' for help, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 7, 2014, at 8:56:37
Hi GGG,
I was once in cable television marketing and I was taught to train customer service reps in how to handle "difficult" subscribers. One approach was to say "I understand your frustration" which for your mother would be "I understand your frustration that you can't help me other than financially or by giving me rides to the doctor, but this is the best way you can help me."
Do you think you should go back on the meds you discontinued? Did you taper off or go cold turkey? Or did it stop working? I'm just wondering if what you're currently experiencing is from stopping the meds?
Keep me posted.
Poet
Posted by baseball55 on February 8, 2014, at 18:29:15
In reply to Re: asking a 'Narcissist' for help » baseball55, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 8, 2014, at 0:04:03
> > I'm not sure why you feel you need to see a neurologist, as opposed to consulting with a psychiatrist or therapist.
>
> Well, it's a neurological issue. How would a therapist help? I've vowed off psychiatrists.
>
I guess I'm unclear on what the problem is exactly. You say you feel restless, yet you also say you are bed-bound. Have you taken a med that causes akathesia? When I had akathesia from perphenizine, I could not stay in bed at all.
Posted by baseball55 on February 8, 2014, at 18:33:55
In reply to Re: asking a 'Narcissist' for help » g_g_g_unit, posted by Poet on February 8, 2014, at 17:35:37
> Hi GGG,
>
> I was once in cable television marketing and I was taught to train customer service reps in how to handle "difficult" subscribers. One approach was to say "I understand your frustration" which for your mother would be "I understand your frustration that you can't help me other than financially or by giving me rides to the doctor, but this is the best way you can help me."This is very good advice. Perhaps you could add - I know you are frustrated with me, but I can't help what's going on right now and want to improve. If you could help me..., I'm hoping things would go better for both of us.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 9, 2014, at 23:43:40
In reply to asking a 'Narcissist' for help, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 7, 2014, at 8:56:37
> One thing I miss about my old psychiatrist/therapist is that he was willing to offer hands-on advice ... I have a tendency to get 'sucked into' arguments -- laying my whole self-worth on the line -- and he gave me some useful strategies for disengaging.
>
> I discontinued a medication 10 weeks ago and have been suffering from some kind of awful, persistent restlessness (or akathisia) that has left me house-bound, and otherwise bed-bound.
>
> I lack any kind of negotiating/assertiveness skills whatsoever. I managed to get to the emergency room, and, instead of standing up for myself and asking to see a psychiatrist or neurologist, politely agreed when the doctor said it was anxiety and sent me home.
>
> My mother has a tendency to deny, negate, downplay or obfuscate any requests for help beyond *her* immediate capabilities.
>
> I need some kind of help getting to a doctor. I need financial assistance to see a neurologist (we aren't well off, but it isn't completely beyond their means, particularly when it's becoming so bad).
>
> Knowing a quick fix is impossible, how do I possibly broach the issue with an infant-parent and avoid them lashing out? How do I convey the gravity of the situation without them diminishing it, or making it all about them?What I hear you saying is you'd like strategies to help you see a psychiatrist or neurologist (and to disengage from your mother). Is there a friend or other family member who would go back to the ER with you and support you in being assertive?
Bob
Posted by SLS on February 10, 2014, at 7:08:58
In reply to asking a 'Narcissist' for help, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 7, 2014, at 8:56:37
> > Knowing a quick fix is impossible, how do I possibly broach the issue with an infant-parent and avoid them lashing out? How do I convey the gravity of the situation without them diminishing it, or making it all about them?
What drug did you discontinue 10 weeks ago? Did you taper it gradually, or did you stop taking it abruptly?
> What I hear you saying is you'd like strategies to help you see a psychiatrist or neurologist (and to disengage from your mother). Is there a friend or other family member who would go back to the ER with you and support you in being assertive?
>
> BobThat is probably the best immediate solution. Another possibility is to contact the psychiatry department of a university hospital directly and explaining your situation. If they cannot take you immediately, perhaps they can suggest alternatives given your circumstances. They might have a free treatment program. As an example, this is the depression program for Columbia University:
http://columbiapsychiatry.org/researchclinics/depression-evaluation-service
They also have a program for anxiety disorders.
- Scott
Posted by baseball55 on February 10, 2014, at 20:58:37
In reply to Re: asking someone else for help, posted by Dr. Bob on February 9, 2014, at 23:43:40
Is there a friend or other family member who would go back to the ER with you and support you in being assertive?
>
> BobI would caution against returning to the emergency room. It's not an emergency and if you want to feel completely invalidated and patronized, keep going to an emergency room with a non-emergency psychiatric/neurological symptom. They will keep sending you home, regardless of your assertiveness or negotiating skills and make you feel like some sort of nutcase/hypochondriac.
And they don't make referrals. What is your goal in going to an emergency room? If you don't need to be hospitalized or stabilized in some obvious way, they really don't want anything to do with you.
Posted by Phillipa on February 11, 2014, at 9:14:20
In reply to Re: asking someone else for help, posted by baseball55 on February 10, 2014, at 20:58:37
It is sad to say & it was years ago that I did work in psych and the ER couldn't wait to get the psych patient out the door. Things seem to be a lot worse now. So I do agree with you. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2014, at 14:34:54
In reply to Re: asking someone else for help » baseball55, posted by Phillipa on February 11, 2014, at 9:14:20
i go to the er when i can't really see another way.
i have found that i sometimes do need to be a bit assertive to get past the initial gate keepers in order to be properly seen / assessed by someone.
i have found that it helps considerably if another person comes with me. i think there is something different about asking for help yourself (which you can't really do appropriately when you really need it most) and when someone asks for help for you. the later line is much much much much much much much more likely to be heard by clinicians.
do you have someone who could go to the er with you? be emphatic about how housebound you have been and how things haven't been okay. to perhaps express concern that your current living situation is minimising things / not really helping you get your way out of it.
i have found the ER to be a useful port of call to help speed along the whole process... otherwise... referrals etc etc can drag out to months. what is a matter of crisis or not is relative - especially when it comes to mental health.
i'm sorry it is so hard to ask for help - and to have that heard.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 13, 2014, at 6:38:10
In reply to Re: asking a 'Narcissist' for help, posted by baseball55 on February 8, 2014, at 18:29:15
Sorry for not replying, everyone. My internet has been messing up. But I really appreciated all of your help.
Just to update:
My mother found me lying in bed several days in a row and ended up going hysterical. I explained what was going on, and she asked our doctor (a family friend) to see us at home, who arranged a referral to a neurologist.. who I'll be able to see in 10 days. He also prescribed a remedy in case things get too unbearable.
It's kind of sad, because I keep yearning for a real mother figure, but she is clearly disturbed. She was extremely charming, attentive, pleasant around the doctor, who explained the severity of what was going on. But then the next day, finding me in bed again, lost her temper and blamed the entire situation on me .. i.e., it was only thanks to her that I got any help, I haven't done anything to remedy the situation (not true, obviously), I'm irresponsible for not informing her about what was happening (even though I blatantly tried to at the start).
I suppose the only up-side is that, after learning more about Narcissistic mothers (even though I do have some issues with that term), it's much easier to see all of her stuff for what it is .. i.e. I get so accustomed to the same lazy patterns of abuse/guilt-mongering that I can spot them as they're occurring, and disengage. I also, per my psychiatrist's advice, try to call attention to what she's doing as it's occurring, e.g. "you're being irrational", "how can I explain anything to you when all you do is scream?" and so on.
Wow, what a nightmare!
just to answer your questions ..
@baseball55 .. when I say bed-bound, I'm not just lying there comfortably.. I endlessly toss and turn, clutch a pillow against my stomach, writhe, flail etc.
@Poet .. that is good advice. I guess I get so frustrated that I never want to give her the benefit of me remaining calm, understanding, rational. So I'm more aggressive in return.
@SLS .. that's a good idea, and I should look into university psychiatry hospitals in case anything happens in the future. As far as I'm aware though, the only one I found while googling a little while ago is integrated into a private clinic.
Posted by LostBoyinNC45 on March 1, 2014, at 10:33:10
In reply to asking a 'Narcissist' for help, posted by g_g_g_unit on February 7, 2014, at 8:56:37
I admit to being somewhat of a narcissit, Im a bit stuck up and snide. Not real bad but I can be an *ssh*l* particularly when my CPAP therapy has gone downhill, like when my machine breaks or something happens, whatever that may be.
Anyway, ask me. As a narcissist I will attempt to answer your question as good as I can.
Eric
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