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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DannaB on January 13, 2007, at 23:14:11
I had a really rotten childhood. Consequently, I am uncomfortable in social situations and have very low self esteem.
Tonight I went out with some friends. They are all closer to each other than they are to me, but sometimes I'm invited to tag along. Well, try as I might I am always awkward and sorta left out. I am not completely clueless, but I have a knack for saying things that just slightly don't flow with the rest of the conversation and for not having the right body language or whatever. It is so depressing to me because I try so hard--but what is the point??
Something that makes it even harder is that people seem to find me attractive. I'm not complaining about this, but what I'm saying is people approach me with the expectation that I will be cool & interesting & confident and then I think they are disappointed when they talk to me and find out that I'm shy and awkward and have low self esteem.
Being liked is the basis for almost everything good in life--it's what gets you ahead in your career, in school, in everything. I feel that I'll never get ahead at this rate. Finally now I have a boyfriend who I'm crazy about (after being single for SO long), but I'm afraid he too will realize that I'm not good enough for him. :(I feel that I'm an interesting and nice person "inside" but that my true self and spirit doesn't come across to other people, or that they misunderstand me, for whatever reason. For instance, I tell my psychiatrist everything, and I know that he is really fond of me and believes that I have a lot to offer. He sees me for who I really am inside and is able to appreciate me, but most other people aren't. It's hard to always feel that I'm on the outside looking in.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on January 14, 2007, at 4:31:09
In reply to I am a reject -- really, posted by DannaB on January 13, 2007, at 23:14:11
Hello!
Well, first of all, I can understand your situation - I think I've been like that alot too when I was younger.
Okay so some suggestions.
First of all, you really have to work hard on developing your self esteem. I mean, buy books, buy tapes, try and get some self esteem therapy.
Secondly, when you're out with friends, just try and relax. Be yourself. Don't care about what they might be thinking about you. Just be you. Don't try hard. The harder you try and be something you're not, the more difficult it will be, and the more you will make awkward conversation etc. Just try and show them some of your inner self, which you said your pdoc likes, so why won't your friends like that too? Try and go to some clubs or groups or something. I don't know your age, but try going to a group or something that interests you - I thinking that you need to have new experiences and adventures - when I was 17 or so I go into outdoor pursuits heavily, and that really helped. Perhaps you prefer drama or music or something, but whatever it is, it will help. Try and travel too, even if it is just visiting an aunt in a city you've never been to before. Go there by yourself using public transport. Just kinda broaden your experiences.
Thirdly, you don't have to be nice to get ahead in your career. Quite the opposite in fact. You really don't have to give a hoot about what people think about you. Imagine you're the manager of 20 people. You are the same age as they are. Several of them regularly turn up late for work. As their manager, you are going to have to reprimand them for being late all the time. They are clearly not going to like you for telling them off for being late. So clearly, you are not being nice. At Christmas I was watching a show about entrepreneurs and a multimillionaire said that he got to where he was because he was a 'sh^t' to other people and he clearly wasn't nice. Thats not to say you shouldn't treat people with respect and manners, but one should try not to become a doormat, just because you're trying too hard to be nice all the time. You can't please all people at all times.
And lastly, YOU'RE NOT A REJECT!!!!!!
Everyone has times when we feel we aren't as liked as we should be, but that doesn't mean you're a reject. Reject is a very harsh word, and I believe that no-one is a reject. Everyone is unique and has good qualities. Other people are not better than you. In fact, I bet you have a whole lot of compassion and sympathy and are a very nice person without even trying! I like you already, and thats just after reading one post!
Kind regards
Meri
Posted by Phillipa on January 14, 2007, at 12:28:55
In reply to Re: I am a reject -- really » DannaB, posted by Meri-Tuuli on January 14, 2007, at 4:31:09
Merri you are so sweet and you of course are correct. So listen up above to Merri one sweet and smart girl. Love Phillipa
Posted by justyourlaugh on January 14, 2007, at 12:55:02
In reply to Re: I am a reject -- really » Meri-Tuuli, posted by Phillipa on January 14, 2007, at 12:28:55
danna..
so many of thoses "confident" people are masking their own estem..
you will find the one that can see your inner beauty..you cant make others see this from a book .
keep being you..
Posted by DannaB on January 15, 2007, at 18:49:06
In reply to Re: I am a reject -- really, posted by justyourlaugh on January 14, 2007, at 12:55:02
Thank you, everybody. You are all so kind. Sometimes I think people with depression are more kind than others.
It is harder for me in groups--I'm better one-on-one. Sometimes I'm a bit awkward, but I was also blowing things out of proportion as we all do sometimes. I guess I was just feeling down on myself.
xoxo
DannaB
Posted by WorryGirl on May 8, 2007, at 16:51:13
In reply to I am a reject -- really, posted by DannaB on January 13, 2007, at 23:14:11
I completely relate with your story. Mine is similar in many ways and I have struggled with some of these issues for years.
I don't know how old you are (I'm assuming fairly young), but in my experience, as I have gotten older, it has begun to dawn on me (I can be slow :)) that I have wasted a lot of time worrying about what others think of me. Because in the end, it doesn't make a d*** bit of difference, and I end up feeling worse than if I had just been myself.
I will share what I've observed in my own life and maybe it will help you (I have been a poster girl for anxiety and low self-esteem for many years). I finally seem to be getting on the right track (taking baby steps but getting there).
As has already been said by the other great responses, just be yourself. I know, it sounds so cliche, but if you just do it, it really works. And you can even make fun of yourself for your "quirks" such as saying, "If you hear me repeat myself one more time just slap me!" or "I've got a reputation for putting my foot in my mouth". But you have to do it with a sense of humor, yet maintain your dignity at the same time. In other words, never apologize for your quirks, just acknowledge them with a light sense of humor.
If you notice that you start feeling like you're on the outside of the circle you're in, here is something I've tried, and as wrong as it might sound, it usually works.
Discreetly carry a book or crossword puzzles with you when you know you are going to be in any kind of informal social setting. When you start feeling like you have been shut out of the conversation, make an attempt to get involved back in their banter. If they still seem to be snubbing or ignoring you still or giving weird looks pull your back-up ammo out. It will get their attention, trust me. They will say something like, "What, are we boring you?", or "Is everything OK?" Just say, "I'm sorry, I thought maybe I was boring you." Say it with a little smile on your face that is not really sarcastic, just kind of wistful. They will immediately assure you that you are not boring them. At that point, I usually add that sometimes I am not the best conversationalist, but I am always happy to listen. Trust me, they will include you after that. And if they continue to ignore you after that or no longer include you, they are probably not the friends for you.
It has taken me several years to get a network of friends. Once you acquire one or two, the others somehow follow over time. Your initial friends will spread the good word about you. Just be willing to laugh at yourself a LITTLE and always act interested in what they have to say and make eye contact. I look in between their eyebrows when I'm feeling shy. It looks like you are looking them in the eye to them, but makes it more comfortable to you.
I also make great impressions from a distance, then when people get to know me, when they soon figure out I actually have quirks and flaws (heaven forbid). If I don't take it too seriously and joke about it, it helps. If someone doesn't like me because I have flaws, then I will never be a member of that particular "Stepford Society".
You sound like you have a lot to offer. It could be that you are intimidating to some people if you are attractive and have an extra edge about you. Just be bolder with that edge.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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