Posted by WorryGirl on May 8, 2007, at 16:51:13
In reply to I am a reject -- really, posted by DannaB on January 13, 2007, at 23:14:11
I completely relate with your story. Mine is similar in many ways and I have struggled with some of these issues for years.
I don't know how old you are (I'm assuming fairly young), but in my experience, as I have gotten older, it has begun to dawn on me (I can be slow :)) that I have wasted a lot of time worrying about what others think of me. Because in the end, it doesn't make a d*** bit of difference, and I end up feeling worse than if I had just been myself.
I will share what I've observed in my own life and maybe it will help you (I have been a poster girl for anxiety and low self-esteem for many years). I finally seem to be getting on the right track (taking baby steps but getting there).
As has already been said by the other great responses, just be yourself. I know, it sounds so cliche, but if you just do it, it really works. And you can even make fun of yourself for your "quirks" such as saying, "If you hear me repeat myself one more time just slap me!" or "I've got a reputation for putting my foot in my mouth". But you have to do it with a sense of humor, yet maintain your dignity at the same time. In other words, never apologize for your quirks, just acknowledge them with a light sense of humor.
If you notice that you start feeling like you're on the outside of the circle you're in, here is something I've tried, and as wrong as it might sound, it usually works.
Discreetly carry a book or crossword puzzles with you when you know you are going to be in any kind of informal social setting. When you start feeling like you have been shut out of the conversation, make an attempt to get involved back in their banter. If they still seem to be snubbing or ignoring you still or giving weird looks pull your back-up ammo out. It will get their attention, trust me. They will say something like, "What, are we boring you?", or "Is everything OK?" Just say, "I'm sorry, I thought maybe I was boring you." Say it with a little smile on your face that is not really sarcastic, just kind of wistful. They will immediately assure you that you are not boring them. At that point, I usually add that sometimes I am not the best conversationalist, but I am always happy to listen. Trust me, they will include you after that. And if they continue to ignore you after that or no longer include you, they are probably not the friends for you.
It has taken me several years to get a network of friends. Once you acquire one or two, the others somehow follow over time. Your initial friends will spread the good word about you. Just be willing to laugh at yourself a LITTLE and always act interested in what they have to say and make eye contact. I look in between their eyebrows when I'm feeling shy. It looks like you are looking them in the eye to them, but makes it more comfortable to you.
I also make great impressions from a distance, then when people get to know me, when they soon figure out I actually have quirks and flaws (heaven forbid). If I don't take it too seriously and joke about it, it helps. If someone doesn't like me because I have flaws, then I will never be a member of that particular "Stepford Society".
You sound like you have a lot to offer. It could be that you are intimidating to some people if you are attractive and have an extra edge about you. Just be bolder with that edge.
poster:WorryGirl
thread:722106
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20070330/msgs/756873.html