Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem Thread 694823

Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.)

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 18:13:37

I have learnt quite a bit about boundaries in the last 2 years or so.... I still have some struggles though, although strangely, it seems, mainly with only two or sometimes 3 different people. Some other people have crossed my boundaries, of course, and I am learning to deal with that more kindly and effectively. Although in some cases I have wanted to shout at them.. and more....

I have mentioned some of my feelings about "intent" several times. I feel it's very important to interactions of all types, and not always easy to guage accurately. Several people have said I am intuitive, however.

What I am trying to say is that I have never crossed anyone's boundaries intentionally. When I have done so, it has been because I was badly triggered, together with a misunderstanding re. words/meanings/nature of friendship etc.

re. words............. eg filter used to mean something totally different to block to me. I thought filter meant to filter out certain words. I know that sounds stupid. I guess it shows how much I was triggered and possibly unaware........... and "I can't be around much" used to mean something totally different to "do not write to me"..........Those examples perhaps show gaps in my life skills which I am not proud of. I would rather have gaps in skills than be habitually selfish though. I do not believe I am a selfish person, just very sensitive and perhaps easily confused. Yes, this is old stuff I am writing about. I would have liked to communicate this in a different way, or just let it go completely, a long time ago, but for various reasons, I have not done so. I KNOW I am far from alone in struggling to let certain things go. I know I am far from alone in bearing "grudges". Although I generally forgive quite easily, until I realise the other person still bears a grudge. This is exactly what happened in my childhood with my parents. UGH>

Now, however, I have learnt to look harder for subtelties in communication that I sometimes used to miss.

Someone said I "live in the past". That is not a fun place to be and one I am sure everyone would like to get out of. Why would I choose to live in the past any more than I would choose to disrespect anyone??? It is not in my nature. My former T did say "we are products of our past"......Living in the past, to me sounds like a judgement. I wonder if there are other ways of expressing that or the conditions/disorders/illnesses that cause people to be overwhelmed by or to dwell on pain from the past at times.... hurt, in pain, triggered, confused, angry, tired of bottling things up or ignoring/avoiding things and finding that doesn't help..........

I do, however, feel that some people make conscious choices to disrespect others, often in very subtle ways. Some people make conscious choices to violate other people's boundaries, in subtle or not so subtle ways, instead of communicating more directly, and with more respect, when they have the skills and experience to do so. I am not sure I understand that sort of behaviour. Maybe it is a sort of revenge. I do not know. Maybe it is to make a point (I have done that one although I didn't think it was a serious crossing of boundaries... my bad) or because ways of interaction are "limited" (sigh) But maybe it would be better to direct energies elsewhere if one finds oneself repeating such behaviour. I am thinking about my patterns too. And ways to get out of patterns.

I am rambling a lot here. I hope this post is not seen as uncivil, but as I am taking a break anyway, a week's block would not hurt me too much, apart from the sense of shame it might induce.


This is stuff I would have dealt with in therapy if I had the funds. I am not the only person in the UK who has found that people from some other countries don't understand why we are not currently in therapy, or who project (?) their own opinions as to why this is....

A few of you know that I was intending to go back into full time therapy a while ago. There are many reasons why that didn't happen. Many things changed, and some of them changed suddenly.

I do find typing stuff out here therapeutic, I think. I know that therapy would be more productive though. I do believe that very soon I will be seeing a full time therapist, or probably a counsellor :(.... due to the ridiculous cost of therapists here. I think maybe it was a form of arrogance in me, thinking I could get "better"/heal without more therapy. I am far from an arrogant person. Or maybe it was just denial :( But whatever, I am convinced now that therapy/counselling is the best and only real route to true healing. Supplemented, of course, with self help etc.

I do not have time to proof read this. I hope my rambling, spelling, grammer etc does not offend anyone :(

One final thought and something which bugs me no end. I can only control or change my own behaviour. However much I rant, argue, type to myself here etc etc :( And this is true of everyone no matter what their dx or IQ. Kinda sucks (growl)

I do not like this post. I wish I had time to change it. Part of me wants to delete it. I hope that in a year from now I will look again at this post and smile at how much I have progressed....I hope.

I haven't shared much about my life here. Part of that is my trust issues, in fact most of it is. People can speculate all they wish about me, but I do not believe that any one of you here really knows me. Maybe one day that might change. If it does, maybe it will show I have made progress.

I have enjoyed getting to know people here. Thank you for allowing me to share with you what I have done, especially those I have IMd and emailed/PMd with. Sorry for this long post (ugh!!)

butterfly

 

Re: delete? trigger :( » rainbutterfly

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 19:31:11

In reply to Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.), posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 18:13:37

That function would serve me well here. Just get over all your old crap butterfly. There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything wrong with you. You won't be helped. Stop that damned crying you stupid cry baby; Your mother and I will throw you out if you don't shut up and behave.

Daddy hits caterpillar with a belt. Caterpillar tries not to cry :(


Butterflies and cave breaks? No I don't think so :( I need my cocoon. Waaaaaaah :(

Butterflies and warm fuzzies? Privacy issues? Ouch. Yes I DO hurt. I have been hurt. Past passive? Growl.

Toxic shame. It hurts so much :( Questioning my own reality. Who is really the crazy one here :(

Hugs are ok for me. Your hugs are ok. Just don't ignore me. Go away. I don't need anyone :( I don't want YOU.

((( cocoon ))))

:(

Its ok to be weak sometimes. It's ok to show weakness. It doesn't mean you are weak. Even if they say it does. Even if the doctors say bad things too. And won't listen. And won't help.

Time to sleep. I'll be back :(

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.) » rainbutterfly

Posted by ClearSkies on October 14, 2006, at 22:18:45

In reply to Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.), posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 18:13:37


>
> I have enjoyed getting to know people here. Thank you for allowing me to share with you what I have done, especially those I have IMd and emailed/PMd with. Sorry for this long post (ugh!!)
>
> butterfly


I wish you didn't feel that you need to take a break, Rainbutterfly. I hope you are back soon.
CS

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.)

Posted by Phillipa on October 14, 2006, at 23:37:04

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.) » rainbutterfly, posted by ClearSkies on October 14, 2006, at 22:18:45

I'm hoping she'll stay(not talking behind your back) and try the psychology board. I think I just suggested this on social righr butterfly. You know I like you you seem so delicate and fragile. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 15, 2006, at 16:55:21

In reply to Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.), posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 18:13:37

ClearSkies and Phillipa, thank you both for your kindness,

under a tree,
butterfly

Trees are strong. I have always loved trees, and climbing them. And flying near them. I am questioning every damn thing I post (again) but I know my reality. Sometimes I have to do what is safest. For me.

If someone looks for something hard enough, someone might just find it. Even if it is NOT there :(

I said it before. I am ONLY going to read posts by people I trust. Or people who haven't hurt me. I wish others would do the same. There are some who I have no desire to communicate with ever again, on any level, however small or limited, so I see NO point in reading any of their posts. I am tired of being triggered. And I own my stuff. It is ME who is triggered by some. It is ME who finds some VERY VERY scary. A few might find me scary. That is THEIR stuff. Many many people find me safe,kind, sweet, intelligent even, (grrr) and as Phillipa said, delicate and fragile (how different from "weak".. and yet interchangeable. Just from a kinder perspective. Perhaps. ) So what else to do but avoid them totally. To completely avoid the people who scare me. Too bad we MIGHT post in the same place. I wish it wasn't so. This time I am going to stick to it. Stick to avoiding what hurts, angers, confuses, and scares me. Stick to avoid what makes me feel of little value. I KNOW I am not "worthless". not that anyone has said I am. Apart from me. But I NEED to avoid those who make me feel that way.

I have been all over the place like a freakin yo yo. I hope no one else has EVER said that. But I do now know.

PS dysteleological (sp) I did read that. And I might have posted it in a haiku, being unaware of a patent on the word (?) (I have known of this place for a LONG time (since summer 04 I think, or before that) and occasionally read some posts) And I found (it) amusing. Little things perhaps. But it gave me a smile, in a good way, at the time, if I recall. Maybe I recall incorrectly. I am totally confused. But things will get better. There have to be some good T's out there. I persuaded my friend(s)? today to see a T... I think.... if we both make the calls etc. we can support each other. If she/he/they don't make the calls, though, I still will.

And I am finding it ok to change some details if I NEED TO> For MY safety.

Posting without checking. This stuff is over now. I am avoiding what is to me, unneccesary and unproductive conflict and hurt. And it took me a long time to learn that lesson. No point in blaming me for that though. I did the best I could at the time with the skills I had. Can anyone do more>????

Rhetorical question.

Adios

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly

Posted by Phillipa on October 15, 2006, at 20:08:00

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.), posted by rainbutterfly on October 15, 2006, at 16:55:21

If you trust me babblemail me. The whole world will not read what you write. It would be between only you and me. I feel you're a very special person. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 11:25:58

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly, posted by Phillipa on October 15, 2006, at 20:08:00

Thank you Phillipa! You're very kind... I might take you up on that,

Half in and half out of MY cocoon. (please note correct spelling. SIGH. ) Whatever dxs I have make me extra sensitive to subtle forms of invalidation. To subtle forms of.......?........?...Especially deliberate ones. Yes, I have learnt a lot. Good and bad. As many of us here are. Extra sensitive to unexpected and expected.................. things. I am no fool.

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 16:04:18

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.), posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 11:25:58

Just been doing a little role play with DH.

Used a pair of pliers. (sp)

It helped.

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly

Posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2006, at 18:59:07

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly, posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 16:04:18

How do you roleplay with plier? Love Phillipa

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)LOL » Phillipa

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 19:02:10

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly, posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2006, at 18:59:07

LMFAO

Maybe I will babblemail you some time and tell you.

:)

 

Where are you my delete function? :( ? :( ? :( ? (nm) » rainbutterfly

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 19:51:02

In reply to Boundaries, long, old stuff :( possible trigger.), posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 18:13:37

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)LOL » rainbutterfly

Posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2006, at 19:51:05

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)LOL » Phillipa, posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 19:02:10

Please do I'd love to talk to you. Love Phillipa

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)LOL » Phillipa

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 19:53:36

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)LOL » rainbutterfly, posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2006, at 19:51:05

k,thanks! I will when I am feeling a bit healthier or braver. Hopefully soon.
xobutterrly

 

Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 20:03:26

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.)LOL » Phillipa, posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 19:53:36

and a typo. UGH UGH UGH at me.

night :)

?<><>UGH<><>?

 

Hey, we all make typos » rainbutterfly

Posted by gardenergirl on October 17, 2006, at 10:12:05

In reply to Re: Boundaries, long, old stuff :( trigger.) » rainbutterfly, posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 20:03:26

And misspell words

And use sloppy or improper grammar

Or forget punctuation

No big deal. We can read your words. Your message comes through. We don't get a "grade" for typing here. (Thank goodness. I get really lazy about typing sometimes, especially on IM)

It's okay, sweetie.

Take care,

gg

 

Re: Hey (I am a rock?? Lyrics ) » gardenergirl

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 24, 2006, at 13:42:19

In reply to Hey, we all make typos » rainbutterfly, posted by gardenergirl on October 17, 2006, at 10:12:05

A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate,
I have no need of friendship; friandship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory,
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armour,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb,
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

 

Re: Hey (I am a rock?? Source.)

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 24, 2006, at 13:49:03

In reply to Re: Hey (I am a rock?? Lyrics ) » gardenergirl, posted by rainbutterfly on October 24, 2006, at 13:42:19

Simon and Garfunkel

(words.... funk.....sigh.... one)

(mon?)

 

Re: .....

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 25, 2006, at 21:14:36

In reply to Re: Hey (I am a rock?? Source.), posted by rainbutterfly on October 24, 2006, at 13:49:03

I just want to apologize for my freak out a week or so ago. I should probably have kept quiet. I was triggered but need to learn not to post when triggered...(on here anyway). I have real trouble trusting therapists, after bad experiences, but I need to see one (at least once a week) to make the positive changes I want to make... to my mood, my thoughts, my anxiety and some of my behavour patterns.

I wish I had seen a full time T a year ago now, or before, but I don't have a time machine....

My intention is to be mostly quiet here (and not read much either, I don't have time).... at least until I am in therapy again.

rainbutterfly


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.