Posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 18:13:37
I have learnt quite a bit about boundaries in the last 2 years or so.... I still have some struggles though, although strangely, it seems, mainly with only two or sometimes 3 different people. Some other people have crossed my boundaries, of course, and I am learning to deal with that more kindly and effectively. Although in some cases I have wanted to shout at them.. and more....
I have mentioned some of my feelings about "intent" several times. I feel it's very important to interactions of all types, and not always easy to guage accurately. Several people have said I am intuitive, however.
What I am trying to say is that I have never crossed anyone's boundaries intentionally. When I have done so, it has been because I was badly triggered, together with a misunderstanding re. words/meanings/nature of friendship etc.
re. words............. eg filter used to mean something totally different to block to me. I thought filter meant to filter out certain words. I know that sounds stupid. I guess it shows how much I was triggered and possibly unaware........... and "I can't be around much" used to mean something totally different to "do not write to me"..........Those examples perhaps show gaps in my life skills which I am not proud of. I would rather have gaps in skills than be habitually selfish though. I do not believe I am a selfish person, just very sensitive and perhaps easily confused. Yes, this is old stuff I am writing about. I would have liked to communicate this in a different way, or just let it go completely, a long time ago, but for various reasons, I have not done so. I KNOW I am far from alone in struggling to let certain things go. I know I am far from alone in bearing "grudges". Although I generally forgive quite easily, until I realise the other person still bears a grudge. This is exactly what happened in my childhood with my parents. UGH>
Now, however, I have learnt to look harder for subtelties in communication that I sometimes used to miss.
Someone said I "live in the past". That is not a fun place to be and one I am sure everyone would like to get out of. Why would I choose to live in the past any more than I would choose to disrespect anyone??? It is not in my nature. My former T did say "we are products of our past"......Living in the past, to me sounds like a judgement. I wonder if there are other ways of expressing that or the conditions/disorders/illnesses that cause people to be overwhelmed by or to dwell on pain from the past at times.... hurt, in pain, triggered, confused, angry, tired of bottling things up or ignoring/avoiding things and finding that doesn't help..........
I do, however, feel that some people make conscious choices to disrespect others, often in very subtle ways. Some people make conscious choices to violate other people's boundaries, in subtle or not so subtle ways, instead of communicating more directly, and with more respect, when they have the skills and experience to do so. I am not sure I understand that sort of behaviour. Maybe it is a sort of revenge. I do not know. Maybe it is to make a point (I have done that one although I didn't think it was a serious crossing of boundaries... my bad) or because ways of interaction are "limited" (sigh) But maybe it would be better to direct energies elsewhere if one finds oneself repeating such behaviour. I am thinking about my patterns too. And ways to get out of patterns.
I am rambling a lot here. I hope this post is not seen as uncivil, but as I am taking a break anyway, a week's block would not hurt me too much, apart from the sense of shame it might induce.
This is stuff I would have dealt with in therapy if I had the funds. I am not the only person in the UK who has found that people from some other countries don't understand why we are not currently in therapy, or who project (?) their own opinions as to why this is....A few of you know that I was intending to go back into full time therapy a while ago. There are many reasons why that didn't happen. Many things changed, and some of them changed suddenly.
I do find typing stuff out here therapeutic, I think. I know that therapy would be more productive though. I do believe that very soon I will be seeing a full time therapist, or probably a counsellor :(.... due to the ridiculous cost of therapists here. I think maybe it was a form of arrogance in me, thinking I could get "better"/heal without more therapy. I am far from an arrogant person. Or maybe it was just denial :( But whatever, I am convinced now that therapy/counselling is the best and only real route to true healing. Supplemented, of course, with self help etc.
I do not have time to proof read this. I hope my rambling, spelling, grammer etc does not offend anyone :(
One final thought and something which bugs me no end. I can only control or change my own behaviour. However much I rant, argue, type to myself here etc etc :( And this is true of everyone no matter what their dx or IQ. Kinda sucks (growl)
I do not like this post. I wish I had time to change it. Part of me wants to delete it. I hope that in a year from now I will look again at this post and smile at how much I have progressed....I hope.
I haven't shared much about my life here. Part of that is my trust issues, in fact most of it is. People can speculate all they wish about me, but I do not believe that any one of you here really knows me. Maybe one day that might change. If it does, maybe it will show I have made progress.
I have enjoyed getting to know people here. Thank you for allowing me to share with you what I have done, especially those I have IMd and emailed/PMd with. Sorry for this long post (ugh!!)
butterfly
poster:rainbutterfly
thread:694823
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060921/msgs/694823.html