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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
Last week I was surprised to hear those thoughts in my head. This week they feel part of me.
My husband tells me that in a million ways. I don't try hard enough. I don't do enough. He feels irritation and contempt for me. Not that he says so, of course.
And he's right. I thought, I really thought, that if I devoted my entire time and attention to work that I could be the person I once was. But it's not working out that way. I still can work only about the same number of hours.
So much of my self worth was based on the fact that I've always been very good at certain things. Not social things, not fitting in, not looking pretty. But being smart, being the best at school, being the amazing wunderkind at work. Being quick in thought, coming up with effective ways of doing things, being quick and good at what I do. I know that sounds insufferable. And it is.
Yet it's always been what's made me think I was worth putting up with.
And now... Well, it's not that I'm not good at what I do. But I just can't seem to manage to do it. I am afraid of losing my benefits. I'm afraid of not being worth the trouble. Because I am high maintenance. I always have been. I need to be worth it.
And overall I feel utterly worthless. If I don't have this, the one thing I've always been able to count on, what do I have?
I hate myself. I hate my body and brain for letting me down. I hate myself for letting my brain and body let me down. I should be able to will myself past that.
Posted by Racer on September 29, 2006, at 11:14:13
In reply to I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
I don't know what to tell you, Dinah. I can certainly empathize, because I feel beyond worthless -- and trapped, I'm also feeling trapped right now -- but I don't know that it helps to know that you're not alone.
Any chance you've got anything non-work related that might increase your worth? Like, I don't know, loving your family? Or caring about your life? Or maybe just making an effort, no matter how pathetic? (yeah, OK, I'm being a little sarcastic there. My point is that you really do have a lot of other things going for you. I have never seen you, so I don't know what your body has done for you lately; and I don't know what sort of work you do, so I can't tell you anything there... I only know that the Dinah I have seen has a lot of good qualities that I value. I can't believe I've made those up...)
Take care, Worthwhile Dinah.
Posted by Phillipa on September 29, 2006, at 13:11:42
In reply to I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
Dinah I haven't read Racer's answer yet which I know will be full of good insight and good answers. But my self-esteem was always tired up in my work too. So I feel the same. But what you have that I don't have is that you're working and that's a feat. And I'm sure you judging yourself too harshly. Otherwise why would they still have you working there. Love Phillipa
Posted by Poet on September 29, 2006, at 15:31:42
In reply to I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
Hi Dinah,
I don't know how to get you past the my self worth is tied in my job, how well I do in school, etc. because mine is in the same tight knot.
Look at my current, dare I say it, happiness that is based on getting a job. Sorry, as Racer said you need advice, not company.
I don't know how much freetime you have, but if I could I would volunteer at a homeless cat shelter. Maybe when I'm done with school I will actually get myself to do it. Would you have a few hours a week to devote to homeless dogs? I know the hard part is not being able to take them all home, but the good part is helping them find good homes. I realize that you are probably too busy with work and family, but it's something to think about. Something you'd be good at and where you'd be wanted.
Poet
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 29, 2006, at 18:02:38
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » Dinah, posted by Poet on September 29, 2006, at 15:31:42
Wow Dinah!
I think you are precious. I don't employ you, unfortunately.Sounds like you are engaging in what my monk called "comparative thinking" (the source of much human misery). Can you resist the temptation to compare yourself to how well you worked a year ago, or 10 years ago, or whenever? Back at that time, you probably wanted to do a better job too. Or maybe your work life was great, but some other priorities were unsatisfactory.
My point is-- if you want to be dissatisfied, all you have to do is compare yourself.
Instead, try to live each day within the frame of who you are that day. I actually have to write a dumb to-do list. Every morning, I get up, and I assess what my mental/physical status is (today it includes a lot of chest phlegm- yuck!) and plan accordingly. Somedays your goals are very simple, and other days you are up for a lot of complicated, elaborate work and free-time arrangements.
Worst case scenario- you can no longer work. What happens then? Is your life over? I hope not! what will your kids and your doggies and your husband do? I'm sure they'd rather have an unemployed Dinah than no Dinah. The trick is that if you end up unemployed, you could trick yourself into eternal misery by merely equating your "Self" with your "employment". By comparing your unemployed self to your working self, you can perpetuate the misery ad nauseum.
Dinah, even if you are overwhelmed with duties and cognitive fuzziness and disorganization right now, you are no less important or worthy than when you "had it ALL together" (whenever THAT was!). You just need a little extra help and support. Time to reassess- simplify. Cut out things that aren't crucial. Things you did that were once satisfying or necessary but are now just routine. You are more than the sum of your parts. Your self-worth would be intact even if you could do nothing and were completely immobilized and incapacitated.
So... you may disappoint some people. As long as you have a good reason for it, most people will handle it okay, and they may even *gasp!* understand in the long run. Those people that refuse to be reasonable are not people that you need to have around you, anyways.
I like you Dinah, you're going to be okay. I'm pretty sure you're letting the Big D take over a bit too much of your mental real-estate. Give that Depression an eviction notice.
hugs?
-Li
Posted by mair on September 29, 2006, at 20:03:05
In reply to I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
You're so much more than the person who tries to keep up at work or the person who tries to keep up at home. I definitely feel like you do so much of the time but sometimes I can see that I've started to obsess about all of the things that I've done poorly, or, more critically, that I think others don't like about me. It's like the negatives start to totally define me. Bask in the love of your son and allow yourself for a moment anyway to shut the negative voices out.
fondly
Mair
Posted by Phillipa on September 29, 2006, at 20:14:09
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Lindenblüte on September 29, 2006, at 18:02:38
Well written and it struck home. I defined myself on work and not working feel worthless. And I've cooked, cleaned for too many years it's time to smell flowers. Thanks Love Phillipa
Posted by annierose on September 29, 2006, at 22:05:49
In reply to I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
you mean a great deal to me.
i value you and your ideas and kindness and acts of kindness.
unfortunately, when our brains get caught in this worthless trap, it takes some doing to pull away from the negative thinking. i hope your t will help you on sunday.
look at your son sleeping tonight. he loves you, all of you, just the way you are.
Posted by sleepygirl on September 29, 2006, at 23:11:33
In reply to I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
you are certainly not a worthless piece of....
you do sound like you're really down on yourself
"willing" yourself eh?
mmmmm...sounds painful :-(sometimes even moments and seconds feel too hard...
going up a hill that's steepI'm sorry you're feeling crappy
I wish I could help you, like you helped me
sounds like an uncomfortable place to be...where you areyou're wonderful...always
love,
sg
Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2006, at 10:29:37
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » Dinah, posted by sleepygirl on September 29, 2006, at 23:11:33
My therapist had me sobbing by the end of the session. He started out by telling me that I get in these moods where I'm down on myself and nothing I'm saying makes any sense. And that it was crazy of me to listen to my internal negative thoughts. Then ended up telling me if I was going to be working I needed to act like a grownup and do what I needed to do to put in the hours. (I'm probably distorting a bit here.)
Great, so now I feel worthless and "bad" for not trying hard enough.
Arrrggghhh.
I should have known to come to you guys instead. :) You understand that it does make sense, yet also know what to say to make me feel a smidge better.
I *know* it's wrong of me to put so much emphasis on being smart and good at what I do. I certainly don't think less of those who aren't top in the class or brilliant at their jobs. Why do I insist on that in myself in order to be worthwhile? It's probably got something to do with those years where absolutely nothing was going right in my life except my grades. I guess I said something to myself like "Well, everyone at school thinks I'm a laughable misfit, and my parents like my new little brother better than me, but at least I get great grades and most of the teachers are impressed." And then of course there was that whole symbiotic relationship with my father where I got compensated emotionally for making his life better at work.
I honestly thought that if I put my whole effort into it again, I could repeat my success.
Darn body. Migraines, lack of stamina and concentration, alternating intense anxiety and grogginess, are all doing in my best intentions.
Ok, I'll concentrate on just getting in enough hours to keep my benefits, and try to quit trying to be the person I once was. That's an achievable goal.
But...
Why can't I be who I once was?
Sigh. My therapist tells me to exercise, and maybe that would help long term, but how do I pay the short term cost in terms of time and energy?
Thanks everyone.
(Mair, it's great to see you on the boards again. I've thought about you often, especially lately.)
Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2006, at 10:32:31
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » sleepygirl, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2006, at 10:29:37
Posted by Racer on September 30, 2006, at 13:32:30
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » Dinah, posted by Poet on September 29, 2006, at 15:31:42
>
> I don't know how much freetime you have, but if I could I would volunteer at a homeless cat shelter. Would you have a few hours a week to devote to homeless dogs? I know the hard part is not being able to take them all home, but ...
Here's some "been there, done that" unsolicited advice about volunteering with dogs: If you can't risk taking the dogs home with you -- it *is* tempting -- I strongly advise driving for a breed rescue. They often need drivers to take dogs here or there. A dog comes in, and someone needs to pick it up and take it to a foster family, or a vet, or even a kennel. That's a safe way to be with a dog, do something useful, and NOT take the dog home.I also warn against fostering -- it's too easy to become the adoptive home, rather than the foster home...
(I always volunteered for BIG breed rescues, since I knew I couldn't handle having a BIG dog in my *tiny* apartment...)
Posted by annierose on September 30, 2006, at 16:39:48
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » sleepygirl, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2006, at 10:29:37
Just a quick comment re: exercise. It's a natural "feel good" drug inducer. The time is minimal - 30 minutes, and the cost can be free - walking outside. I do find exercise always, and I do mean ALWAYS puts me in a good mood even if I didn't start out feeling good.
I like to go for walks and then add a yoga class to my exercise regimine. The walks are meditative since I usually go alone and the yoga classes push me farther (since it's a group activity). If you find what you like to do you are more adapt to stay with it, even on days when you feel like skipping exercise.
Posted by Jost on September 30, 2006, at 23:13:16
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » Dinah, posted by Poet on September 29, 2006, at 15:31:42
Hey, none of that, Poet! Getting a job is a terrific accomplishment, one you've earned. Of course you're happy. You deserve to be.
That isn't to say that a job is everything, and that it you're not a smashing success at it, that you're nothing. But work is important-- even Freud said that, although people focus on the sex is important part.I"m not sure why Dinah is suddenly feeling so worthless. But I suspect it's something other than work. Often, when I have doubts, they attach themselves to everything that comes up. Not because the things that come up are evoking the doubts, or self-hatred, but because those emotions tend to adhere, and then pretend that they're caused by the thing they've adhered to.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling that way, Dinah. But you are, of course, a very worthwhile person in my mind-- which doesn't help you, I know-- but maybe if you look at what's going on, some trigger for bad feelings will come into view.
Hope you feel better, Dinah. :(
Jost
Posted by Jost on September 30, 2006, at 23:20:24
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » sleepygirl, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2006, at 10:29:37
>
> I *know* it's wrong of me to put so much emphasis on being smart and good at what I do. I certainly don't think less of those who aren't top in the class or brilliant at their jobs. Why do I insist on that in myself in order to be worthwhile? It's probably got something to do with those years where absolutely nothing was going right in my life except my grades. I guess I said something to myself like "Well, everyone at school thinks I'm a laughable misfit, and my parents like my new little brother better than me, but at least I get great grades and most of the teachers are impressed." And then of course there was that whole symbiotic relationship with my father where I got compensated emotionally for making his life better at work.
>
>Gee, Dinah. Been there, done that, myself. I was the most unpopular person by far in my sixth grade class. Not fun. And it seemed like the only things that made the kids treat me any better was that I was smart. Kinda like they had to give me a little respect. It didn't help much-- but was better than nothing.
Then it's hard later, because you have these ideas about how great you have to be, not to be so hated again. (At least, I did.)
I dealt with it by a lot of failure, so I wouldn't have to worry about failure-- and losing whatever I had. One of those "nothing means you've got nothing left to lose" approaches to life. Not useful, but felt a little safer, I guess.
I'm sure that your powers will be stronger, and give you more support and courage later. Right now it isn't the best, but it won't last forever. It really won't.
Jost
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2006, at 10:37:08
In reply to Unsolicited advice about this..., posted by Racer on September 30, 2006, at 13:32:30
Sigh. My husband is a bit of a germaphobe. He once threatened to divorce me over using a lead I keep in the car to help a blind elderly cocker spaniel off the middle of a busy street and help find her owners.
He won't let me volunteer with dogs for fear I'll bring germs home to my dogs. And after once volunteering at the local shelter, I'd have to say he's not totally off base. There were a lot of sick dogs there. And I have dogs who aren't very robust.
But at any rate, I'm barely keeping my head above water. The goal is to cut down on my nonwork activities that don't involve my son. :(
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2006, at 10:40:02
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » Dinah, posted by annierose on September 30, 2006, at 16:39:48
I laugh about this sometimes. I was, at one time, a pretty regular exerciser. And it had a soporific effect on me. I'd exercise and then go to sleep.
Long term, it probably helped my stamina. But short term, it put me out like a light. :)
I am considering riding the exercise bike while we are together as a family instead of sitting on a comfortable chair. That might work without tiring me too much or exposing me to the dreaded fresh air that puts me straight to sleep. lol.
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2006, at 10:52:49
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of...., posted by Jost on September 30, 2006, at 23:20:24
I think a bit of failure at an earlier age might have been good for my soul.
I left the first forty years or so of my life thinking that I could do anything I set my mind to do, in the work or student realm. Then the next four or so years thinking I was being lazy. The reason I'm triggered right now is that I'm totally aware that (at least until last night) I was putting everything I had into my work, and still not managing to put in forty hours a week. And still not being able to focus and concentrate. It's not made any difference at all in my work abilities. So the last four years, I wasn't lazy. I was just worthless.
My therapist assured me that you can't lose being smart. But I think he's wrong. I think years on psych meds have made me stupid and unable to focus. And not useful. And I don't think I can bear being not useful. Not if I try to be useful and fail.
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 10:41:13
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » Jost, posted by Dinah on October 1, 2006, at 10:52:49
And I also think I'm choosing not to try very hard, because it hurts worse to know I tried my hardest and still failed.
Long term I suppose I need some energy enhancing stategies. But right now I need to get through October 31 for a horrendous, horrendous deadline. Then through December 31 to get in the hours I need to get my benefits.
I hate myself.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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